AIBU to think this is an odd request from a new work colleague?

[Jellyhater]

I work in residential care and have just employed a new member of staff. We discussed sleep-ins and she said that she would be able to do one a month on average but would try to be as flexible as possible.

She is now saying that sleep-ins are going to be a problem for her as the other member of staff on duty for that shift is male. He will be in another bedroom at the other end of the house if he is sleeping in, or will be working in the office/ laundry area if he is doing a waking night shift.

She has asked that I facilitate her husband being able to meet this particular member of staff to alleviate his anxieties about her being away from home. There are other men that work in the home, so any of them could cover this shift at any point - does the husband want to vet the whole staff team?!

I want to be a sarky cow and remind her that she had many weeks to tell me that this is going to cause problems but has chosen not to. I am feeling a bit frustrated that she thinks she can manipulate the roster to her benefit and that she is implying that the male staff are not trustworthy. I absolutely will not be arranging any meetings for the husband. A tiny part of me is concerned that this might be some kind of DV issue.

I've not been able to discuss this with anyone at work but AIBU to think she is probably going to be more trouble than she is worth?

DA is frighteningly common.

OP has already said she won’t be facilitating such a meeting.

In your shoes OP, I would email back that the request is inappropriate and you can’t accommodate it, and that sleep ins are a requirement of the role.
Keep it factual and to the point.

Then speak to the employee face to face and express concern. Ask if there’s anything you can help with.

As a pp said, how you respond to this will speak volumes about you. If she’s taking the piss, that will become clear. Either way, you have established how inappropriate the request is.

I would speak to the male staff member (who she would most regularly work with) and ask him if he would be open to meeting her and her husband. If everyone is agreeable then why not facilitate it this once?

Because it's completely inappropriate!

OP I would email her a reply (best to have a record in writing in case she's intending to be difficult) simply stating that you are unable to facilitate such a meeting as this would be inappropriate. I would then remind her that sleep ins are a requirement of the role, as discussed at interview, and something she agreed to when she accepted the post. Whether it's DA or she just doesn't want to work nights, the request is bizarre and totally inappropriate either way.

Just to agree with pp. I think you need to reply to keep everything in written backed up form. Keep it factual. Stick the fact that this was all agreed in the interview etc.

Personally it does feel a bit like she’s trying to wriggle out of overnights by making it as awkward as possible but I don’t think you can rule out dv or coercive relationships.

*I would speak to the male staff member (who she would most regularly work with) and ask him if he would be open to meeting her and her husband. If everyone is agreeable then why not facilitate it this once?
Ludicrous!
Suppose the OP agrees but the Male worker says no way. What's the new employee and husband going to do then?
What if the husband doesn't like him?
What if that colleague leaves or goes off long term sick, is the OP going to do it for every Male worker the lady has to work with?

You dont open the floodgates to ridiculous demands.

Unbelievable. Does he control every step of his wife?

Echo Idontlikeyoudonaldtrump - email back, so it is highly inappropriate, and she was well aware this was a requirement of the job.

If she has changed her mind about being able to perform the role, then she can hand her notice in.

Does he control every step of his wife?
My £ says that either he doesn't know anything about her request or that she's said to him 'I'm going to pretend you're not happy because I don't fancy it' and he's said 'okay' because he wants a quiet life!

Unbelievable. Does he control every step of his wife?

There are numerous men and women controlling their partners' lives to this extent every day. It is horrifically common and a ridiculously high number end up murdering their victims. It happens so much that it often isn't considered newsworthy.

I knew a woman who was in a really bad relationship. A mutual friend told me that she went the friend's town and asked her to meet for lunch. Friend declined saying she had no money. Other friend offered to pay, so friend accepted but said she needed to send a photo of herself to her husband. Friend told me, she posed for a nice photo and emailed it to them. In the end the husband took the bus into town with her, then went home, then came back in on the bus to travel back with her. Friend paid for her bus fare but said she was buggered if she was paying for his too. I was like 😮 when she was telling me all this. Friend did eventually leave him and returned to her home country. There were loads of other things too, but just that story shocked me so much.

If I was the male member of staff I wouldn't be agreeing to this. Is every male she will come into contact with to be vetted by the spouse also, and if there are staff changes?
It's not the job for her.

It would be a firm 'no' from me.

Please do not fall for the stereotype of a victim of domestic violence. So many victims themselves do not even recognise the severity of their abuse, because of these stereotypes.

When a work colleague asked about my black eye, and I said my partner had punched me, she laughed. She genuinely thought I was joking, and was mortified when I said, 'no, I'm serious.'

In work I was confident, I was capable, I was the person people came to with their problems. I was also a victim of domestic violence because I didn't see myself as a battered woman, I saw myself as a strong woman in love with a damaged man - and only I could help him (all credit to Leslie Steiner for this description).

This is a no to this request. It might even bring home to her the gravity of her situation. As I was declining her request, I would tell her why.

This is not a cultural thing at all - I know of no culture that requires husbands to vet workplaces like this.

Culture is a red herring and an insult to the male employed.
I think she is trying to manipulate the situation knowing you will not fulfill her (husband’s?) request and therefore can’t work nights.
Can you discreetly arrange for it to not be a male and see her reaction. That would be telling.

As a one off.

I would refuse this meeting. It’s insulting to the male staff - what does the husband want to get out of it? Is he going to sit there and instruct the staff member not to make a pass at his wife? Or set his mind at rest that the man isn’t excessively good looking or something? In the opposite situation I would absolutely refuse to meet a male colleagues wife, I would find it totally weird, mortifying and insulting that anyone would think this necessary or appropriate.

Mmm yeah maybe she's trying to get out of nights

You have waking and sleeping shifts? So can she do only waking shifts? Or is that an issue too?

There may be a huge backstory that the OP doesn't know. Like the husband doesn't trust her as she's had an affair. Either way of course it is ridiculous for her husband to "vet" male staff. She and her husband either accept it, or she leaves.

Clearly she is in an abusive relationship. I would not collude with the abuse by allowing the perpetrator to conduct his own little interviews and screening of his partner's colleagues.

Also, I hate the way that 'it's cultural' is sometimes used to minimise abuse.

I think she is trying to manipulate the situation too.

I wonder what the proposed ‘vetting’ involves? A Q&A session, visual check up, examination of teeth, body size, age, marital status?
It’s ridiculous and insulting to any man to be ‘examined’ by some random husband. Imagine setting that precedent in a workplace! (What fun an employment tribunal would have with that)

Why would she completely embarrass herself by making this situation up as an excuse not to work night shifts? Surely she would make up something less embarrassing, eg health problems, child care issues.

I lost a couple of jobs because of a jealous ex. He beat me a few times for being “over friendly” with other staff. Do her a favour and tell her you can’t facilitate what she (her partner) wants so she needs to find alternative work. Hopefully she’ll soon realise it’s ridiculous and get out.

I agree wholeheartedly with @Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump and @HilarytheGnome and other PPs.

IdontlikeDT's advice is spot on !!

You can't agree to it.

If she's trying to get out of overnight shifts, this will stop that.

If she's in an abusive relationship with a controlling partner, maybe she'll start to recognise she needs to get out.

But you can't agree to this.

My dh does this job. I ran it by him and he said "no, why should I? There may be male residents, does the husband want to vet them? She knew what the job entailed, she doesn't want to fulfil the role she interviewed for, tough" They've had people after accepting the job say they can't do Sundays, evenings, school holidays. It's not the company's role to police dv, and in my husband's shoes (or the male worker) I wouldn't fancy potentially being thought of as a sexual or romantic threat by some violent spouse.