To think that this is what a ‘ beard’ is ?

[Soundsgoodtome]

This term seems commonplace lately but I wondered what it was . For example a close family member is asexual , his partner is heterosexual . He doesn’t like sex and won’t have it. She likes sex but accepts that he doesn’t . He wants a partner and a baby. She is desperate to be in a relationship and wants a baby too. He likes her very much and she loves him. He treats her only average. She worships him and allows him to treat her whatever way he wants to . He treats her as a casual partner . She drops everything and runs at his whims . Is this what a beard is . Somebody who knowingly acts as a partner even if they have a different sexuality and know that as a sexual person who craves sex, will not be sexually fulfilled but fulfilled in a different way? . Help me get my head round it.

How is asexuality a sexuality at all though - it is lack of sexuality. Atheism isn’t a religion.

she has money, fame and a lifestyle she never would have had otherwise so there's a lot in it for her

I think you need to read up on Amal's success pre-George.

She was already extremely successful in her field and if you read some of the cases she was involved in as a human rights lawyer and was also an international lawyer at the Hague.

No doubt being married to GC has given her lots of philanthropic opportunities she may not have had, but she was highly successful in her own right, which is what made them a good match.

But I do think she is a beard.

How are they going to have a baby together if he won't have sex? IVF? It sounds like a terrible relationship and he sounds like an arsehole. It's just abuse of a different kind if he's treating her as a lesser person.

My ex-h decided he was asexual after we'd been together for years (in reality I think his health problems seriously effected his libido) but as he refused to discuss it or go to the doctor it became one of the reasons I left him. I'd rather be single and frustrated than in a relationship and frustrated.

I don’t know how they will
Conceive . He does really value her but I hethink he is afraid of it t all going wrong so he seems to be keeping his distance and taking it all incredibly slowly . He doesn’t think he treats her badly but the rest of the family does . She on the other hand is absolutely besotted . I don’t have much respect for her if I’m to be honest . She is nice and kind but it’s a pity to watch her all over him and him lapping it up. The other piece of me is happy for him as he has met a woman who puts no pressure on him after years of bad relationships and pressure . They will figure out having a baby I’m sure. I worry though that she will leave him after she has her much desired baby , due to frustration, and that would break him. . Can you really set aside your sexual needs and wants for the rest of your life? I doubt it . I would not be able to do that I don’t think .

I suppose I was a beard in the 90s. Great friend gay working for a very traditional company. Lots of socialising, employers were expected to bring spouses or boy/girlfriends. Singles were kind of relegated to the 'kids' table. People in relationships progressed faster. I loved going to the social events, which were lavish and expensive and friend would pay for a dress which I could never afford. We never pretended to live together or anything - they just assumed we were couple. And he wasnt seeing anyone special at the time. I remember it being great fun.

I think that sounds like the worst kind of relationship to bring a child into. You may not like the girl but please have a word - she must have zilch self esteem and needs saving. It must be pretty bad if his family this k he is treating her badly, usually they stick up for their own. he sounds like self absorbed wanker ..... Hardly daddy material.

So he treats her badly, you're happy for him, but you have no respect for her...gosh.

I think he is taking advantage of her low self-esteem, he knows that the only kind of woman who would put up with being in a relationship with him is one who sees him as a good choice because she's been treated so badly by other people

She is easy prey because she's been pre-victimised

From what I could gather a ‘beard’ is someone who gains from the relationship in some way too- increased profile etc and helps disguise the partners sexualitt. The description you give just sounds like a recipe for misery.

Women can have beards too - Taylor Swift, for example, has frequently been alleged to have been in a long-term relationship with Karlie Kloss whilst publicly dating a string of men. Rumours around Kendall Jenner as well. I feel really sorry for them, it must be tough having to hide such a big part of who you are, but the pressure from film studios/record labels etc. etc. to present as 'normal' is immense.

I find that hard to believe hearhere. He is a kind and loving person but who certainly has his own demons. I don’t thonk he would actively choose her due to her low self edteem, although her self esteem is on the floor , but from what I can see, there is nothing there beyween them , to the public eye at least . He has never lit up, spoken passionately about her , given any hint of excitement when he speaks of her but he is warm on her and sometimes speaks about her like he pities her . For a personality like is , which is chatty, outgoing and passionate , it is clear there something missing. Hard to put my finger on it

"he is getting a partner who will go along with his wants and needs and she is getting a partner who doesn’t abuse/ humiliate/treat her like rubbish, which is what she has had all through her dating years ."
No, she really isn't. He absolutely is treating her like rubbish.

The more I read, the more I wonder if this is not a 'close family member' but yourself that you are describing, because I cannot understand how you can describe him the way you do, but simultaneously not see him for what he is. Look at what you've posted:

"He doesn’t think he treats her badly but the rest of the family does ."
I agree with the rest of the family.

"She on the other hand is absolutely besotted . I don’t have much respect for her if I’m to be honest . She is nice and kind but it’s a pity to watch her all over him and him lapping it up."
Most people (and the rest of your family) will view her in this scenario as nice, and him nasty. 'Lapping it up'. Selfishly taking and not giving (affection, emotion). And YOU don't respect HER? FFS, why do you not disrespect HIM for his appalling behaviour? That poor woman! Hang your head in shame for that comment!

"The other piece of me is happy for him as he has met a woman who puts no pressure on him after years of bad relationships and pressure ."
If he's so sodding asexual, maybe he shouldn't be having any relationships, since they are guaranteed to go bad because he's only in them for his own convenience, not because he cares for the other person?

"They will figure out having a baby I’m sure."

"I worry though that she will leave him after she has her much desired baby , due to frustration, and that would break him."
I worry she won't, and instead descends into depression and ever-diminishing self esteem as it is constantly reinforced that she doesn't matter at all to him.

Your 'close family member' is a total shit. He's taken someone who sounds very vulnerable and is manipulating her. And you sound perfectly happy to witness him in this. Give your head a wobble, and support this poor woman in getting out of his clutches.

Oh, and you find Hearhere's comments hard to believe?

Have a read, then.

www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

I have never heard that term and think it's revolting

He is my brother. I never thought of him like this ever

This term gets mentioned in Blind Gossip all the time. I didn't know that it was at first either. Seems to be a lot of them in the entertainment industry

Well maybe you need to start seeing him like this. As he is. A user.

This is what the phrase '"can't see the wood for the trees" means. You are close, you're standing next to the tree and your view is obscured by shared history, emotions, your own assumptions.

“They will figure out having a baby I’m sure. I worry though that she will leave him after she has her much desired baby , due to frustration, and that would break him.”

I would be more worried that she stays with him and she and her child get even deeper into this hideously disfunctional relationship. What a self absorbed little snowflake he is - treating her “only average” but accepting her devotion as his right............

"he is getting a partner who will go along with his wants and needs and she is getting a partner who doesn’t abuse/ humiliate/treat her like rubbish."

Try googling Maxine Aston and her work on Affective Deprivation Disorder. It is a a relational disorder resulting from the emotional deprivation experienced by the partner of person with a low emotional/empathic quotient. This poor woman can look forward to a life of emotional rejection from your brother leading to low self esteem, depression and anxiety, loss of self/depersonalisation and maybe even eventually a breakdown.

She will dance in ever increasing circles trying to gain his love and approval, walk on eggshells trying to please him and all that time be filled with self doubt and thoughts that she is simply not good enough but if she just tried harder she could make it work because She is the problem, after all "She comes from a tough life with no stability, money , education and she wants this for herself and future children" and you have the gall to pity her for how she loves you brother, you are watching slow motion emotional abuse in action and think she is to be pitied for loving him, while he is "lapping it up"

Wake up to yourself and the type of man your brother is, he is using and abusing this woman, tell him to let her go to find a man who will truly love her cherish her.

I’m really shocked t think that some of you think he is an emotional abuser but reading your replies has upset me very much and worries me . His opinion on him wanting to take things super slow is that he wants to be sure if her and know that this is who he is and that he can’t xhange. He seems to really like her when they are in company. Attentive, kind , generous but their dates are at his convenience . He said that this was because he lives away from her during the week and there would be an hour round trip for them to meet and then at weekends he is involved with different hobbies and commuters and likes to spend time with friends etc . X on the other hand lives locally, works locally , doesn’t seem to have many hobbies and is free to meet him .i really did not think this was abuse. I thought it was mismatched couple who presented to the world as a loving couple when together but for sure, he is not as invested as she is . I feel terribly sad for her now that my eyes have been opened to what was in front of me . i thought he was protecting himself with a willing girlfriend . I think i believed that they both got their needs met in a different way in the relationship but when I heard the term beard, I thought that this is what it meant .thank you . A huge wake up call

You have mentioned her name in that post OP, you might want to report it to MN so they can take the name out.

Oh gosh ! Ok thank you

How do I do this. I can’t seem
To figure it out . Thanks

I've reported it for you. If you look above the text of your posts, there's a 'header' with your username and date/time of your post. On that line at the far right, 'Report' is an option.

Thanks a lot