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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School policy on facial hair for 12yo

181 replies

3at42 · 04/04/2019 15:30

Just wondering if others have had similar experiences.
I have been in a back and forth discussion with my sons school on his (limited) facial hair. He is mixed ethnicity, a bit of an early developer puberty wise, and has a noticeable light moustache as well as some hair on his chin. Multiple teachers have asked him to shave but when I checked the school dress code there is no mention of facial hair.
School have told me it’s their policy and they can’t make exceptions.
I think it’s OTT for 12,13,14 year olds - they are just kids going through a perfectly natural process of development.
According to the school I am the only parent that has ever had an issue with this policy,

AIBU?

My son is of course completely oblivious and doesn’t know what the fuss is about - but he also doesn’t want to shave.

It’s a private school if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 18:16

Or not, what other battles do you want to fight

RomanyQueen1 · 04/04/2019 18:18

TheGrey

Some people believe in fighting for what's right.
The school are lying it isn't their policy, as OP said, it's not listed.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 18:18

M3ion Yes they could set that policy if they want and no girls would apply to go to that school.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 18:20

Are you sure he doesn't want to shave op? Is he scared?

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 18:21

Can his dad show him how?

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/04/2019 18:36

I’ll fight for what’s right anytime, anywhere. But this nonsense? Pah

ForalltheSaints · 04/04/2019 18:38

There is a difference between a 12 year old as the OP describes and a sad 20 something 'hipster' who has a full beard. School policy seems wrong to me.

TooManyPaws · 04/04/2019 18:50

If a policy affects one group of people more than another it may be indirectly discriminatory. This often seems to happen when a rule is based on the characteristics of one particular group. For example, the US Army has been accused of racism because its acceptable female hairstyles are difficult to achieve by black women. If this shaving rule affects more BAME boys than white boys because of their natural characteristics, it is indirectly racist and that is as illegal as direct racism in the UK.

Willow2017 · 04/04/2019 19:05

Again for people who cannot rtft.

It is not school policy..
None of the fair skinned kids with hair have been told to shave just ops child who is darker due to ethnicity.
This is teetering on the brink of discrimination and not a case of op not following rules as there are none in the first place.

School have admitted its not in the written policy which op 'signed up to when she sent her child there' but now they have individually (2 teachers) decided it is.
They have stated teachers are 'encouraged' to not have facial.hair yet some still have beards without consequence.

School needs to realise suddenly enforcing a non existent policy on one child is gonna be bad news for them if op.takes it further and if they try to.enforce shaving for 12yr olds there might be a whole lot of other parents who.tell.them.where to go too.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 19:11

Bumfluff is untidy whatever age

CurlyMango · 04/04/2019 21:47

My son started shaving at 13, as he didn’t want a beard. We got him an electric taser and he uses it every couple of weeks. He is happy, that’s the important thing. And if he didn’t want to that would be fine also.

SapphireSeptember · 04/04/2019 22:45

Clearly some of you were badly educated as your reading comprehension skills are lacking.

This rule seems to be in invisible (ie made up) and is nowhere to be found on the school policy.

But no, obey all the rules at all times! Even the ones that don't exist!

Fucking hell. I disputed a work 'rule' when I was told I wasn't allowed to wear make-up. Guess what, said 'rule' was nowhere to be found in our uniform policy so I ignore it.

Also that fact that school uniforms can discriminate against either girls or boys fracking pisses me off, and the rules about having to wear uniform to and from school. Why? I don't have to wear my uniform to and from work (I also often altered my uniform on the way home, back in the 00s when things seemed a lot less draconian than they do now.)

@ScreamingLadySutch Wow. I bet you're a riot at parties. Don't be such a snob, it's not a good look. Why should people have to obey rules that do NOT exist except in someone's feverish imagination?

I'm going to make up a rule, everyone has to dress up as a Goth on Wednesdays. Now you have to obey it. See how stupid that sounds?

mathanxiety · 05/04/2019 04:08

I thought we wore pink on Wednesdays...

mathanxiety · 05/04/2019 04:08

Why 'first time buyers' are despised and looked down on by other parents. Because they don't know the codes and they f things up. Fit in, or F Off.

Oh my.

What ridiculous willy waving.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2019 04:13

Why 'first time buyers' are despised and looked down on by other parents. Because they don't know the codes and they f things up. Fit in, or F Off.

And we wonder why there is a bullying problem in British schools.

And why there was (and maybe still is) an environment where sexual assault of students by other students and by teachers was (is?) the norm.

Yes, God forbid that some uppity non U mother should challenge what the Establishment has always done (i.e. make up the rules as they go along/one rule for some, one rule for others) or expect some semblance of fairness and transparent processes from an administration whose salaries she subsidises.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2019 04:21

It's irrelevant whether they'd ask a girl to shave her legs/arm pits because they are not asking the boys to shave their legs or arm pits. Whether they would ask a girl to shave her facial hair is the only relevant comparison

No, it's relevant.

It's relevant because in both cases students are being asked to alter their natural appearance (not tone down an unnatural appearance) on grounds of subjective opinion. Neither facial nor leg hair are a health hazard.

The question of how much modification of natural appearance a school can require is at play here.

HoppingPavlova · 05/04/2019 04:21

My son went to a private school, not UK though. Clean shaven for boys was in the policy. However, they were relaxed about the younger boys and those going through puberty. So you did see a few boys with bumfluff on their faces, shadow moustaches etc in the junior/middle year’s. It can be hard for some boys with what’s happening to their bodies to put shaving/grooming on top of that. Once they were in the senior years though there was no slack given, clean shaven and well groomed were tightly enforced.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2019 04:32

prh47

You missed my point about policies that have the end result of discriminating against certain racial or ethnic groups by requiring modifications/styles that make appearance conform to a Caucasian norm.

www.elle.com/beauty/hair/a26405870/new-york-city-natural-hair-discrimination-ban/

Everydayimhuffling · 05/04/2019 05:09

I would just say to them, "it's not a policy if it isn't written down. If you change the rules for uniform next year then he will follow those new rules. Until then, you can "discourage" facial hair like with male teachers. Consider us discouraged. If the Head wishes to discuss it, he can phone me.' Honestly, I wouldn't even bother to write. It is not a current policy.

PregnantSea · 05/04/2019 05:46

I'm surprised that you are the first parent who has raised this. I would probably have at least asked the question, even if I didn't argue against it. Seems odd to me. I vividly remember in my early high school years a lot of the boys had whispy, patchy facial hair. It's part of puberty, in the same way that acne and their voices breaking is..?

TheSerenDipitY · 05/04/2019 06:06

just go back in and take copies of the policy and keep copies of all emails and tell them as it is not a written rule or policy , he wont be removing it and if they change the policy just so they can force the issue then you will take them to the human rights commission ( or what ever its called in the UK) because they allow "white" children to keep their emerging bumfluff but want to force the "brown" child to remove his... play the card!

Ellenborough · 05/04/2019 06:29

I'd love to know how they'd handle this if they had a girl with a noticeable facial hair issue due to her ethnicity or to a hormonal issue. If they demanded she shave or wax it there would be absolute UPROAR.

Whatsername7 · 05/04/2019 06:48

Im head of yr11. Lots of my boys are currently growing their cute little first beards. Some of the girls have blue/pink/purple hair. Last year, our gcse results were in the top 4% for state schools. A little self expression makes no difference to learning, the school are being ridiculous.

Oblomov19 · 05/04/2019 06:54

Tricky. It's not yet the school rules though, is it. There is no policy, currently.
But, I suspect it soon will be. Easily done, to add a sentence in.

Rezie · 05/04/2019 08:02

I'm relatively new to the UK and I don't have kids yet but planning maybe in a few years. Whenever I read these topics I'm always so shocked on how much rules (written and not written) schools have regarding students appearance. And they don't really make sense to me and I really don't think they should just be accepted.