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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School policy on facial hair for 12yo

181 replies

3at42 · 04/04/2019 15:30

Just wondering if others have had similar experiences.
I have been in a back and forth discussion with my sons school on his (limited) facial hair. He is mixed ethnicity, a bit of an early developer puberty wise, and has a noticeable light moustache as well as some hair on his chin. Multiple teachers have asked him to shave but when I checked the school dress code there is no mention of facial hair.
School have told me it’s their policy and they can’t make exceptions.
I think it’s OTT for 12,13,14 year olds - they are just kids going through a perfectly natural process of development.
According to the school I am the only parent that has ever had an issue with this policy,

AIBU?

My son is of course completely oblivious and doesn’t know what the fuss is about - but he also doesn’t want to shave.

It’s a private school if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:10

ScreamingLadySutch
Private school background here too.

Back when my dad was in school, beatings and sexual abuse of the boys came under the category of 'universal values'. Parents shrugged (if they ever heard about it, though those parents who had survived such an environment themselves knew the ropes) and did not challenge the school for exactly the reasons you put forward - discipline is always a good thing/it's best to let the school be in charge, the school offers a good education in return for forfeiting your individuality/rights.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:12

Rottencooking
So why tell us all that her DH has an opinion?

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:12

Surely none of the bleating about the dress code is relevant given the published dress code makes no mention of facial hair.

If you've put your kid in a school on the basis of such a code, then it would be monstrously unfair to change the code on them part way through their education to something substantially more authoritarian with no consultation period and no dispensation for existing students.

MachinicianMagician · 04/04/2019 17:12

Just saying, most of my guy friends find pictures of themselves with their pubescent moustaches/beards pretty embarrassing.

Ultimately, I think these sort of decisions are best left to the kids themselves but with gentle encouragement from the parents.

Fighting this pro-beard argument against the school isn't really in the kid's favour overall, especially since the kid is probably eventually not going to benefit from it longterm.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/04/2019 17:12

Many moons ago she was turned down for the army as he had a shaving rash and was on antibiotics and it was the policy back then in the dark ages that you couldn't apply if you were on medication. Nice to hear things have changed . He also wears a very short beard wondering

JemSynergy · 04/04/2019 17:13

My 11 year old is in year 7. The whole of year 7 were told on their first day during assembly that they were not allowed to have any facial hair and their hair has to be short with no lines for partings! I remember when I was at school boys were allowed to have facial hair. I don't see why they shouldn't be allowed to? My son is already starting to get a dark shadow above his top lip and I don't want him feeling embarrassed about it!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/04/2019 17:14

Everyone finds their school photos/ teen photos embarrassing regardless of facial hair!

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 17:16

Whether or not they'll look back on photos of themselves with a tache and find it embarrassing most teenage fashion choices are moderately embarrassing in hindsight. No adult minds a few embarrassing teenage photis existing. It's not in the dress code so they can't randomly invent the policy now. I wouldn't want a 12 year old to shave if he doesn't want to.

MachinicianMagician · 04/04/2019 17:17

I only mentioned DH's opinion because I'm not a man and (other than my own fine lady moustache which I've been dealing with since childhood) haven't shared the same experience as him. Only felt natural to include his opinion as well as his own - I don't hold his opinion in higher esteem than a woman's Smile

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 17:18

jem that haircut policy is ridiculous. Why shouldn't a boy get to choose his own hair style as long as it's clean and tidy. I'd have serious issues with that level of expected conformity and would complain.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:18

It's not a pro-beard argument.

It's an argument against being required to alter one's natural bodily appearance. Can a school require that girls shave legs or arms?

It's also an argument based on the fact that the boy's ethnicity makes his facial hair more visible than the facial hair of others, and he has been singled out with the instruction to shave.

howabout · 04/04/2019 17:20

screaming one of the many many reasons why my DC go to the local comp despite having excellent affordable private schools on our doorstep.

My Father spent his whole adult life in rebellion at the rules forced on him by his private school. My Fil, also privately educated, chose not to impose it on his own DC for similar reasons. Mind you ongoing teenage rebellion is a factor in entrepreneurial success.

Maybe the current behaviour in the Houses of Parliament is just one massive ex - public school rebellion. Grin

quizqueen · 04/04/2019 17:20

It's the school's rules. Go somewhere else if you don't like them. Why should your child, or you, get to decide what the school enforces and what it doesn't. Too much self entitlement in this world.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:20

Fair enough, Machin.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:21

Buy him a bic, bumfluff is awkward

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:22

A girl shaving her legs is totally irrelevant and argumentative

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:22

It's not the school's rules quizqueen. They have approached the OP with this, despite the fact it is not in the official policy and despite the fact that others who also have facial hair have not been asked to shave. The other hair is a lighter colour. It is a 'rule' that only applies to her DS.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 17:23

It's not irrelevant, HoraceCope.

If the school can't require that girls' legs be shaved then they can't require that boys' faces (or any other part) be shaved either.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:25

horace how so? Why is it irrelevant to consider whether girls can also be forced to shave by a school?

Either schools have power of people's body hair or they don't. Unless you think its okay for schools to have sexist rules? Only one sex loses their right to bodily autonomy...not both?

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:25

You know that is a rubbish argument math, just repeating it doesn't make it better

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2019 17:26

"They’ve said that although it’s not written in their uniform code it is their policy - just not written down!"
If it's not in writing, it's not policy; it's the preference of the person talking.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:26

What would you do as a parent?

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:27

A private school in particular cannot take a fuck load of your money on the basis of a published uniform and dress code and then start applying arbitrary other rules a some point later in the day...and only to people with dark hair/skin.

I mean what the fuck sort of contract would that be?

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/04/2019 17:28

"I think it’s OTT for 12,13,14 year olds - they are just kids going through a perfectly natural process of development". ... - who cares what you think? When you applied to the school, you entered into a contract with that school, and you 'should' be supporting their ethos. That contract has one term's duration.

"According to the school I am the only parent that has ever had an issue with this policy," ... That really should be telling you something. Why are you making trouble for your lovely son? He is NOT special and different and he must do what is required of him. What are you trying to prove?

Why 'first time buyers' are despised and looked down on by other parents. Because they don't know the codes and they f things up. Fit in, or F Off.

AIBU? - YABVVU.

Warning you that they are called 'independent schools' for a reason, you are threatening their cohesiveness and authority and they don't take kindly to this, you might be asked to leave.

fluffiphlox · 04/04/2019 17:29

I wonder what their policy is for male members of staff?