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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School policy on facial hair for 12yo

181 replies

3at42 · 04/04/2019 15:30

Just wondering if others have had similar experiences.
I have been in a back and forth discussion with my sons school on his (limited) facial hair. He is mixed ethnicity, a bit of an early developer puberty wise, and has a noticeable light moustache as well as some hair on his chin. Multiple teachers have asked him to shave but when I checked the school dress code there is no mention of facial hair.
School have told me it’s their policy and they can’t make exceptions.
I think it’s OTT for 12,13,14 year olds - they are just kids going through a perfectly natural process of development.
According to the school I am the only parent that has ever had an issue with this policy,

AIBU?

My son is of course completely oblivious and doesn’t know what the fuss is about - but he also doesn’t want to shave.

It’s a private school if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 04/04/2019 16:12

this is awful

I had a female friend at school who had a major moustache by 13 and her parents wouldn't let her remove it! Eventually she went off and did it without their approval.

but generally "no facial hair" is a mad policy. I find it really sad that crazy school rules haven't changed since I was at school - but equally my mum was really pissed off that I couldn't wear trousers at school.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/04/2019 16:12

I think a key factor here is who exactly the "they" is that you've been communicating with so far. If it's the teaching staff, as suggested by the proposal to escalate to the HT, I would write a polite letter to the board of governors.

Out of interest, do the teaching staff have to comply with a "no facial hair" policy? Worth a thought.

whippetwoman · 04/04/2019 16:15

My 15 year old is 6ft 1 and has a full red beard, as in a big old proper beard. He has been this way since he was 14. He looks older than my 17 year old, in fact he could easily pass for early 20s. School have said nothing but I did check their regs as it’s very full on.
They should let your son crack on and not have to shave.

Original poster
3at42 · 04/04/2019 16:17

@TooGoodToBeTrue I’ve been dealing with the form tutor then escalated to the deputy head.

Some of the male teaching staff have facial hair - when I pointed this out I was told that facial hair for staff was ‘discouraged’

I think they are very confused!

I would have no objection to a ‘neat facial hair’ policy which would deal with the older boys desire to make a statement.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 04/04/2019 16:20

My DD's school does have a policy - they can have facial hair but only if it's a proper beard/tach and either have to grow over holidays or get a pass from the office that's a month long - if it's still "bitty" after then they are asked to shave it off. They follow the same rules as the military.

Original poster
3at42 · 04/04/2019 16:22

Thanks for all your replies - I was beginning to doubt myself.

I am trying to raise a good global citizen at the end of the day and feel strongly that if I sit back and accept the request for him to shave then I am going against much of what I have tried to instill in him about tolerance and human rights.
I don’t want it to become a huge dispute with the school but at the same time I need to set the right example and expectations with my kids.

A lot of what’s wrong with society won’t change unless old fashioned views like this are challenged.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 04/04/2019 16:24

I was capable of growing a full beard from the age of 14, facial hair is completely natural and it’s removal etc should always be a personal choice.

NicoAndTheNiners · 04/04/2019 16:25

I'm amazed that facial hair for male staff is "discouraged". I'd say they're not in the army but the army actually allow beards.

I believe that Even the RAF allow beards now.

They don't have a policy if it isn't written but could probably get it added in pretty quickly. But it does seem very petty. And wouldn't be enforceable for some religions?

NicoAndTheNiners · 04/04/2019 16:27

Oh looks like I'm wrong about the army, they're not allowed beards.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 16:27

This is such awful BS.

how dare they force a child to shave.

I was in a school the other day and there was plenty of facial hair on display. Absolutely no problem.

It can't possibly be legal.

MockerstheFeManist · 04/04/2019 16:31

Beards in the military are a problem when it comes to gas masks etc.

The Navy, which allows 'Full-Set' beards but bans moustaches, uses anti-flash hoods rather than masks.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2019 16:33

I work in a State secondary school with quite a strict uniform policy but there are boys with full beards (and some with weedy straggly ones) and waist length hair.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/04/2019 16:36

Oh looks like I'm wrong about the army, they're not allowed beards.

They're not allowed beards because it prevents a proper air-tight seal when wearing a respirator, at least that was the rationale when I was in. Unless the school in question is expecting a biological or chemical attack that really shouldn't be an issue.

DGRossetti · 04/04/2019 16:37

Can't he self identify as a Sikh for the school day ?

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 16:37

He might want to neaten up his facial hair, is this your argument though op?

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 16:38

Shouldn't this be your son"s argument not yours?

Reastie · 04/04/2019 16:41

How ridiculous, and how ridiculous for staff to be discouraged to have facial hair too! So long as student is smart and presentable in proper uniform I don’t see it shoukd be an issue. I work in a private school. The old head was old school and the rule for boys hair (as in head hair) was it was not to be longer than collar length, and I saw a fair few boys told their hair was too long and they had to have it cut (this is in the last 10 years). Currently head is far more tolerant and the rule is now boys can have hair as long as they like but it must be tied back for school if long enough (same rule as for girls). He’s even said before he’s happy for boys to come in the girls skirt if they wish (many girls already wear trousers).

Reastie · 04/04/2019 16:42

Op is the school owned by a larger company or run by governors? I would go above the head and see what their opinion is.

Rottencooking · 04/04/2019 16:42

This is beyond ridiculous. I'd fight it all the way.

Walkaround · 04/04/2019 16:42

Ds is very proud of his burgeoning moustache... School haven't mentioned it. Not a private school, though.

Bowerbird5 · 04/04/2019 16:42

Is it an Academy because some do have a policy for staff as well as pupils?

I hope it doesn’t affect his self esteem but you could point this out 😬
to staff. I bet there is a new written policy in place by next term!

youarenotkiddingme · 04/04/2019 16:43

That's awful. I hope they aren't pointing this out in front of his peers too?

My ds is 14. Also autistic. He has had hairs growing under his chin for 6 months. He just pulls them out (because that's his choice).
The hair on his top lip is starting to change colour. Not noticeable unless you are actually on top of him!

I would be really cross if school decided to tell him he needed to shave before they even spoke to me first. I would of course explain to them I've given him the option of he'd like to but he'd rather wait until it's absolutely necessary.

I would put ball in schools court and ask them why it's necessary and how it's affecting his learning or the learning of others.

Rottencooking · 04/04/2019 16:43

@HoraceCope Shouldn't this be your son"s argument not yours?

Are you for real? He's 12. Hmm

ArabellaDoreenFig · 04/04/2019 16:44

I am trying to raise a good global citizen at the end of the day and feel strongly that if I sit back and accept the request for him to shave then I am going against much of what I have tried to instill in him about tolerance and human rights

That’s an admirable way to raise a child. How does being asked to shave infringe upon your sons human rights ?

mathanxiety · 04/04/2019 16:45

My DCs' RC elementary school in the US had a hair length policy for boys but there was no mention of facial hair. Kids attended to age 13/14 so there was definitely a bit of fuzz or even more going on by the time they left for HS. High school doesn't have a problem with hair at all - it can be shaved off, grown long (man buns v popular) coloured, spiked, braided, dreads, fades, etc. Beards and moustaches are also all over the place. The only exception to the completely relaxed approach was for one young man who grew a Hitler moustache and hairstyle.

I think your DS's school are way out of order here on several grounds, and I think the ethnic aspect is very worrying.

Coming to you to say their sudden idea is policy when there is nothing written down makes them look ridiculous.

I would actually start looking around for a different school if I were you, as this one seems very unlike the school you thought it was.