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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School policy on facial hair for 12yo

181 replies

3at42 · 04/04/2019 15:30

Just wondering if others have had similar experiences.
I have been in a back and forth discussion with my sons school on his (limited) facial hair. He is mixed ethnicity, a bit of an early developer puberty wise, and has a noticeable light moustache as well as some hair on his chin. Multiple teachers have asked him to shave but when I checked the school dress code there is no mention of facial hair.
School have told me it’s their policy and they can’t make exceptions.
I think it’s OTT for 12,13,14 year olds - they are just kids going through a perfectly natural process of development.
According to the school I am the only parent that has ever had an issue with this policy,

AIBU?

My son is of course completely oblivious and doesn’t know what the fuss is about - but he also doesn’t want to shave.

It’s a private school if that makes a difference?

OP posts:
M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:30

I'd do exactly what the OP has done. Point out its not in their published policy and ignore them.

If they then alter their policy I;d be saying, good luck excluding him for non-compliancy with a policy you just changed to suit yourselves on a whim, I've already got the Daily Mail on speed dial and pictures of the white kids with their 'acceptable' bum fluff ready to hit the presses.

Then I'd be saying I'll have all my money back then please...because you've changed the conditions of this transaction after I paid, without my consent.

clairemcnam · 04/04/2019 17:30

You do know that policies can be different for staff and kids?
I doubt very much that teachers are wearing school uniform.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:32

Don't make it an issue op, he needs to conform, how do know he is the only or first one to be asked?

wonderingsoul · 04/04/2019 17:33

Since when is arguing stupid rules self entitlement?

I dont see how being forced to shave at a young age is any way beneficial especially when it could cause skin irritation or self esteem issues.

And it's not even in the schools policy.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:33

screaming she sure did enter into a contract with the school...on the basis of a dress code that did not and does not mention facial hair.

Someone's fucking this whole contract system up and its not the OP.

If you are going to have stupid pointless dick waving authoritarian jizz fest rules at your school then the very least you can do is warn people up front what they actually are!

bmbonanza · 04/04/2019 17:33

"At the very least in your son’s case it’s racial discrimination"
What rubbish - they arent saying because of his race it has to go, it is their alleged policy . NOT racially motivated.

Ask for the policy - if not them go to the Governing Body and ask for the policy.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:35

horace who the fuck are you, with your CONFORM or else message?

Did you come from the 1930's to warn us that those that won't/can't conform will end up in concentration camps?

No thanks. Free democratic society flourishes on people challenging dumb stupid rules. And I rather live in a free society than a dictatorship. So off you fuck dear.

MockerstheFeManist · 04/04/2019 17:35

All the school policies should be on the website.

greenpop21 · 04/04/2019 17:38

I cannot believe a school would ask a boy to shave, that is outrageous!

ScreamingLadySutch · 04/04/2019 17:38

Love your post, howabout! Where is the 'like' button. Hope both your fathers rock on with their bad selves!

What quizqueen says. It's the school's rules. Go somewhere else if you don't like them. Why should your child, or you, get to decide what the school enforces and what it doesn't. Too much self entitlement in this world.

Grow up, 3at42 and just accept your boy is changing. He isn't the first and won't be the last. Don't cause trouble for him. He doesn't want you to.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:38

OP has checked the policy, it says nothing about facial hair.

They have admitted that this is an informal policy that they have not written down anywhere.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:40

screaming do you have a reading problem? It is NOT in the school rules.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:40

What are you doing about your ds m3lon when he has issues with the school?

greenpop21 · 04/04/2019 17:40

What if he wanted to grow a moustache or beard? Is that not allowed? There is no justifiable reason for him to need to shave.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:42

horace I would never send my child to a school that compromised their bodily autonomy for arbitrary non-safety related reasons.

If a school said they wouldn't do that and took a tonne of money off me on that basis, then changed their mind and broke their contract, then I would take my child out of the school and sue them for breach of contract.

MockerstheFeManist · 04/04/2019 17:43

In the words of Sam Goldwyn, An informal policy is not worth the paper it is written on.

And if they are picking on the BAME kid while the white kids are left alone, they are in deep doodoo.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:44

And what about his s education m3lon? You would compromise that in your Battle?

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:47

tbh I think the majority of time spent in school is actually teaching kids to conform...whether its peer pressure or pressure from the power structure in the school.

Its a good job that the future economy of the country is going to depend heavily on us having a load of uneducated obedient sheeple to work drudgery jobs involving no creativity or independent thought....oh wait...that's the opposite of the way the world is going...

Well that's a shame then isn't it!

MitziK · 04/04/2019 17:49

If he showers daily, I don't see a problem with facial hair. If, however, he's in the subset of Teenage Soap Dodgers, having a rule about shaving at least ensures that they wash half their face and neck regularly. I'm sure your DS is one of those who keeps clean and this isn't a subtle attempt to tell him he needs to wash without the embarrassment of having to spell it out and then deal with an angry Mum who says her little boy doesn't smell even though she just hasn't noticed the olfactory evidence of puberty.

It's getting to that time of year when some 11, 12 and 13 year olds can be tracked across the school site by their particular odours. Thankfully, even the worst offenders usually get the idea once they start looking at girls/other boys as potential romantic partners - the second half of Year 9, usually - and start showering/washing daily instead of stinking or attempting to cover up their stale, unwashed sweat stench by using half a can of Lynx a day.

What I have noticed is that in the years between the expected bath/hairwash once a week (I caught the tail end of that, much to my disgust) and now, there are far fewer kids suffering from severe acne. Despite all the claims that it was never anything to do with hygiene, the fact that there will now only be a handful of teenagers with anything more than a couple of spots tells me that improved standards and expectations around cleanliness have reduced the incidence of acne to a few unfortunates and some soap dodgers.

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:51

If the school can't find a way to teach people with facial hair then they really aren't up to much are they?

Compromising his education implies he would be learning something other than how to fit in and respond robotically to preset questions with pre-prepared answers....not much evidence to support that.

I went into a school the other day to do some outreach. I was telling the students about my scientific research...you know what happened? Their teacher told me it was great...but please could I not use certain words the next time I gave the talk...because while what I was saying was obviously right, it might encourage them to answer questions in a way that won't get them the marks. He then gave me a list of ways I could refer to the concepts I was discussing, all of which were of course less accurate than what I was saying but would score more marks at GCSE.

Yay the education system though...I mean it would be a total disaster for that BS to get interrupted....

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:52

that was in reply to horace btw.

SoupDragon · 04/04/2019 17:54

It's irrelevant whether they'd ask a girl to shave her legs/arm pits because they are not asking the boys to shave their legs or arm pits. Whether they would ask a girl to shave her facial hair is the only relevant comparison.

HoraceCope · 04/04/2019 17:55

We don't need no education kind of response then?

M3lon · 04/04/2019 17:58

I don't need my child being taught that 'the state' has the right to tell them to shave.

That's very important to me.

Academic subjects are easy. Learning to stand up for yourself when the world tries to tell you your worthless...that's harder.

prh47bridge · 04/04/2019 18:01

Is personal appearance (i.e. one's bodily appearance) the same as a uniform though?

A uniform code can cover body hair, hairstyles, etc. - anything to do with the pupil's appearance. It doesn't have to just be about clothes.

Can a school ban afros? Afros beyond a certain size/length? Can a school insist on straightened hair for all? Can a school ban a traditional ethnic style like dreadlocks or braiding/cornrows/beading?

It depends at what point a uniform code becomes unreasonable. Schools have successfully enforced rules about hair length (both minimum and maximum lengths) which may have the effect of banning some hairstyles.