Resentful at dh’s Family

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Dh is financially successful and a very kind, generous person. He’s very close to his dm and siblings. The problem is, they are constantly asking him for money for things, and I get the feeling they genuinely feel entitled.

One of his siblings struggles financially and he puts a generous sum in her account monthly, but it’s never enough. I have tactfully tried to put it to dh that she needs to watch her spending but he seems to think it’s his duty.

I know I can’t change dh. But how do I work on my resentment not about the money but about their sense of entitlement? He loves them but I hate that they take advantage of him.

RomanyQueen1 yes there’s a couple of older threads from the OP regarding her DH and him lending/giving money to SIL and exFIL.

That’s why people get way more joy from giving than receiving presents.

Speak for yourself!

I think you need to get a job and er stop moaning that other people are milking your cash cow dry. I will never be financially dependent on a man again. I did it and left because of a fb have had to toil with absolutely no money as a singal mum and move my dd from an air bed in my mums spare room to a house that was in furnished for months. I’m only just getting to a space where I am not embarrassed of my house and my life I’m a ta and starting my PGCE is September. Don’t think anything will last forever op your putting your self in a vulnerable position . How did you survive before marriage ?

5hey should be standing on their own two feet
Indeed but who is OP to say so when she isn't herself and live totally off his income herself!

Does the SiL support your DHs mother emotionally? You mention about the SiL taking their mother on holiday. If the SiL does not take her then I assume your MiL won't get to go on holidays? You mention that before he met you he used to go on holidays with his DM and DS.

A friend of mine gives her sister a monthly allowance, it's because my friend is too busy with work to look after her mum. Her sister does her shopping, takes her to hairdressers/doctors /dentists and brings her on holidays with her family. My friend feels the allowance she gives her sister is acknowledgement of the care she gives their mum. My friends sister lives next door to their mum and visits her every day.

Maybe you DH is doing the same. If he is working full time and does not see his DM , maybe this is his way of appeasing his conscience that at least he can provide financial support.

My brother is very similar, he is single though, has no children of his own and as a result he has said that he sees my children as his children. We are very lucky, I am severely disabled and my dh cares for me full time so we don’t have a lot of money. My brother buys my dc the things we can’t afford to. My dc never ask, he will buy what they need. My db calls me a lot, I’m not chasing him, he enjoys talking to the kids and as he works abroad it’s his way to stay in touch.

I know how lucky I am to have such a lovely brother, I know he would refuse to stop helping me if asked to by a partner. Purely because he is very stubborn and loyal. He often buys things for my dh ( his way of thanking my dh for looking after me and our dc- this is not needed but just something he does to show his appreciation) his love language is definitely giving gifts/ doing nice things for others. He also helps our elderly D.P. a lot. He earns a huge amount of money though. I always say we don’t need things and would rather see and spend time with him but he tells me to be quiet and let him treat his niece and nephew!

Chillyegg thank you so much for your concern but I am in no vulnerable position as I personally own half all our assists and dh’s business. I have no need to work non voluntarily to justify myself.

We have been married 10yrs+ bit together much longer. As it seems so important to some posters, dh made his money after we married; we were on pretty equal financial footing before that.

He is indeed a special person and I look up to him immensely; I am the first to admit he is a better person than me. I am on my way out now but appreciate and will reply later to the posters who have given an honest, non aggressive opinion.

Are you Ant from Ant and Decs new girlfriend 😀

Well I’m pleased you were more sensible than me op! However I’d say it’s a slight stretch to infer I’m being aggressive. I genuinely wouldn’t want anyone to have to do what I did and claw everything back. I’m young enough to start again. Wouldn’t do it again or wish it upon anyone. Maybe let the family thing go . Adress the phone thing.

OK OP now I think you have point

We have been married 10yrs+ bit together much longer. As it seems so important to some posters, dh made his money after we married; we were on pretty equal financial footing before that

I hope that's answered the more unpleasant posts

I don't think it is unpleasant, more realistic. If the OP owns half the business, and was there in whatever supporting role when it was made that makes it far more reasonable that she has a say.

I don't think it is unpleasant, more realistic. If the OP owns half the business and was there in whatever supporting role while the money was being made that is vastly different to a new wife feeling resentful.

Do you draw any dividends from the company OP? I mean, if the money has been earned since you were there I can understand you feeling like it is family money iyswim.

Alsohuman, I take 'the rest of us' from your above post tome with a pinch of salt.

Yes I take dividends but it’s not important as we have joint access to money. I however am very careful not to spend too much and take advantage as I am under no illusion that it’s anything else but dh’s capability alone whatever supporting role I played, that gave us our lifestyle.

Sil had a similar kind of life till her dh went bust and she left him, then met her current partner. I don’t think he treats her well and we have tried to speak to her so many times but it falls on deaf ears.

I will re-read all the posts on here as I really value impartial advice. Thank you all again.

The fact that you own half the business does change things. Maybe a better strategy would be to take the share you are entitled to as a business partner as does he. You the both pay into a joint account for bills, travel etc. What is then left is split between you. If you feel he deserves more because he is the main reason hou have this money that is your choice. He then guves his sister money from his share if he so wishes and you get to do what you want with your share.

Sweeney although I own half the business on paper I feel 100% that it is his alone, although I do appreciate being included in large financial decisions- which he does. This really is so not about money though- but about people he genuinely loves using manipulation to take advantage of him.

I would loathe that. Sorry. If he made the money after you got together then even if it's just the fact that he bounced ideas off you or you whatever means you have an absolute right to feel the way you do. You supported him and were part of the process of making the money. And as a PP said, what happens if something goes wrong/retirement or if for some reason the income stops. What then?

Indeed, on a practical note, do you have savings in your name? It's both more tax efficient (especially If you have 50% of the business on paper as you should get dividends) and also means that in this, least you would know it would genuinely not affect you.

My DB is much richer than us (like more money than could ever ever be spent by him, us... you get the picture) and I would not expect (or ever get) a bean. In turn, we are richer than DH's family and to me the people who benefit from that are my DC. DH's family would much more have a sharing culture (of course) having made implications and comments. In the nicest possible way they got short shrift, and will continue to do so.

It isn’t leaving you short of money, so presumably you think he should be keeping the money in the bank for you both to use? You live off his income but when he wants to share his financial success with his blood family, you think they are acting entitled?

Some very odd conceptions of marriage on this thread, it's supposed to be a partnership so money is part of that, as are financial decisions. Also you provide things in the relationship that are not monetised, emotional support, household organisation etc all of this is a form of labour, all of it is part of what enables your husband to function.

I have sometimes earned more than my husband, sometimes less, regardless we share what we have and we make decisions about our finances together, including what amount we each have to spend at our sole discretion. If people ask for money from either of us, we discuss this and make a decision together about what we will won't do for others, including charity donations etc...

OP ignore the ridiculous comments about wallet wives; a regular financial commitment of any kind should be a shared decision, also what happens if your husband is incapacitated or pre-deceases you? Would you be expected to continue supporting his sibling? Would his relatives demand a share of the estate? These things need to be considered, you can't really know why his relatives do what they do, only what you and your husband decide to do about their demands/needs; what you both think is/isn't reasonable.

Dottierichardson Like you I also believe that decisions including financial should be made jointly as that’s what I saw in my parent’s marriage.

You’re right this thread has thrown up two very different ways of thinking. I still feel that if my brother was financially successful I would not expect to be a part of that at all- let alone on equal footing to my sil!

What pisses me off most in my situation is sil making dh feel bad about anything he enjoys- he gives her plenty of money.

If my dh pre-deceases me, as I understand it, the many family members he supports could contest his will for ‘reasonable provision’ as there are direct debits into their accounts.

One of the things this thread has thrown up is that many people here can't get over the fact that the op doesn't work and that it is a perfectly valid decision in her situation.

I suspect there's some jealousy from many here. Hence the feeling that she shouldn't have a say or opinion in their finances.

Personally I think that when you commit to marriage these decisions should be made jointly. Regardless of if one person earns more (Or all ) money. The op is not a lesser partner in the relationship. They have come to this arrangement mutually.

If the decision OP’s husband has made had an impact on their quality of life I’d agree with her but, by her own admission, there’s a huge amount of money sloshing about here. Would she resent the same sum donated to charity? If not, why is this so different?

Because the sister isn't a charity of course. She's a healthy adult.

But also because the issue the op has is the pressure/entitlement coming from the sister.

The result would be precisely the same as a charity donation. Charity begins at home.