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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resentful at dh’s Family

130 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 13:12

Dh is financially successful and a very kind, generous person. He’s very close to his dm and siblings. The problem is, they are constantly asking him for money for things, and I get the feeling they genuinely feel entitled.

One of his siblings struggles financially and he puts a generous sum in her account monthly, but it’s never enough. I have tactfully tried to put it to dh that she needs to watch her spending but he seems to think it’s his duty.

I know I can’t change dh. But how do I work on my resentment not about the money but about their sense of entitlement? He loves them but I hate that they take advantage of him.

OP posts:
strathmore · 03/04/2019 15:21

It’s our second marriage, my work is voluntary so I don’t get paid.

Pot. Kettle. Black

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/04/2019 15:24

Well if you dont wish to do paid work because it would interfer with your travelling (which presumably DH pays for) then I think other than calling whilst you are at dinner you have absolutely nothing to complain about.

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 15:33

Obviously OP has staff, Duck.

Orangecookie · 03/04/2019 15:39

It’s a bit weird. Constantly taking and FaceTiming? She’s treating him like a husband. Siblings should be independent unless there’s a genuine need like illness.

CardsforKittens · 03/04/2019 15:41

What happens if your DH says no to something? Do they accept it? Or is he under pressure to give them whatever they ask for?

steff13 · 03/04/2019 15:46

Does this arrangement predate his marriage to you? If so, and it's not causing you financial hardship, I'd probably try to let it go.

Supersimpkin · 03/04/2019 15:46

Awful lot of wallet wives on this thread. Sibling relationships are the longest relationships you'll have in life - way longer than marriage, naturally. Even longer than a marriage that lasts, which most of them don't.

Orangecookie · 03/04/2019 15:50

Yes but sibling relationships are supposed to be independent!

This is creepy. I find it weird.

I also find it a bit weird when people go on about sibling relationships being longer than marriage. As if it’s a competition. Our primary relationship is our partner surely?

ssd · 03/04/2019 15:52

I think this would annoy me too, no matter how much we had. Its the sheer cheek of the sister and the martyr syndrome she seems to enjoy. I couldn't be arsed with that.
Also, of course its the ops business, she is a couple and what one does affects the other.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 15:52

MattFreisWeatherReport you have a point, but I guess that if we’re together 100% of the time I can hardly complain if his sister call him while we’re walking, although I have told him it’s a no no if we’re sitting down for dinner.

OP posts:
Orangecookie · 03/04/2019 15:54

Interesting that it’s his sister. Even more creepy tbh.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/04/2019 15:55

OP I had/have a similar thing with my son...he is 28 and with his long term partner..my husband and I have a young daughter and my son totally supports his sister,Now the reason he does this be it clothes,shoes ,days out,weekends away,dance lessons..is not because we can;t its because he wants to.Time and time again I have argued this is so not necessary and time and time again he says I love her,its my money ,I work for it and I will do as I please with it...I even tried to ration it out as maybe its because there is a huge age difference between them and he is gay that maybe he sees himself more as a father figure than a brother and he may never have children himself but alas no..he just wants to do it,to share his everything with her,,,,in one way its lovely but I feel he could put the money to better use for himself but nope and I get told to ssshhhh mum ..so I do.I just wanted him to understand he was so not obliged to do any of it but he continues,My daughter his sister is a very lucky little girl.I dont know how his mind works but he said right from her being tiny that he knew it would be nearly impossible for me and my husband to pay for her school fees like I did for him so he is paying for hers from when she is 11 yrs old ,,,he was right we really wont be able to do it again but its not important to me but he wants her to have the same,....I just feel blessed to have him ..he is just kind and very special....maybe your partner feels the same ...your guy sounds amazing to me just like my son ....its never expected here,,never asked for its purely what he wants to do...

BlueSkiesLies · 03/04/2019 15:58

it is normal in my culture for people to support their spouse but not their wider family

What 'culture' is that then? The goldigger/sugar daddy culture?

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2019 15:59

sally that's lovely. But totally different. A small child is nothing like a married adult woman.

And even if he continues to treat her now and then throughout her life, i bet she never rings demanding holiday funds!

Roussette · 03/04/2019 15:59

Hang on a minute... those that say it's not your business, nothing to do with you, it's his money... the OP is married to this man! Of course it's her business! If the marriage was breaking up (I know it's not), it would be totally her business!

It would really piss me off. And the Sister is in her fifties with a husband who does bugger all? Double pissed off I would be.. Of course he can up to a point do what he wants with his money but he is being taken advantage of!

I knew someone in her 40s, highly intelligent, no health issues, perfectly capable of working, she just didn't want to, . So she coerced her not wealthy parents into giving her an allowance and sponged off her brother too.

It's not the money, it's the principle.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 16:00

Orangecookie Dh rarely if ever says no to anything. Before I came along they used to tag along on holidays but I don’t want to spend my holidays with her. No wonder she’s resentful. But the way I see it, she wouldn’t chose to spend hers with me either if it wasn’t for dh paying.

When I couldn’t afford luxuries, much as I love my brother I just wouldn’t expect him to be responsible for my life. I’d have no problem being paid for my work- dh has a problem with it only in that it would impact on our freedom.

OP posts:
HoustonBess · 03/04/2019 16:00

I can see your point but if you're entirely financially dependent on him too (no judgment, whatever suits), you're just going to be stirring up a bees' nest.

Zero chance his family wouldn't pick up on this and think you're the baddie here, and there are more of them than of you.

Just be grateful you can afford to help family as well as you not earning, it's a lucky situation to be in.

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2019 16:01

blueskies this culture in this country. And it's reflected in our laws and tax system too.

Daenerys77 · 03/04/2019 16:02

Can't he just turn his phone off when you are supposed to be having a romantic walk/meal/time together?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/04/2019 16:04

Gabriella ...I would hope not! at 7 she often refuses most things from her brother saying please no I dont want anything ,,,she is very grounded and doesnt ever ask for anything,

Roussette · 03/04/2019 16:04

But the OP is his wife! If he is happy with her not working and doing voluntary work, that is something agreed within a marriage. If it was Elton John and his sister, he's a multi millionaire... fine, but it seems like she's sponging off her brother to me.

no idea if EJ has a sister!

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 16:09

Do you know what? Even if dh was EJ yes it would be lovely of him to help but if I was his sister I would not think I was entitled to it!

OP posts:
MattFreisWeatherReport · 03/04/2019 16:10

Before I came along they used to tag along on holidays but I don’t want to spend my holidays with her. No wonder she’s resentful.

Well, there's your problem. You've displaced her and she's pushing back. No wonder you feel resentful - she's actively trying to come between you and your dh. It all sounds very unhealthy. The challenge is to get your dh to see the problem, and good luck with that. You may need to just smile and ignore - at the end of the day you're the one who's married to him and she's the one who has to suck it up.

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 16:11

@Rousette, calm down. Being a dependent wife puts you in a very tenuous position when financial decisions are made. That's why women are advised to be financially independent.

mrscampbellblackagain · 03/04/2019 16:14

Have you been married a long time/do you have children?

Sounds like your DH is a super high earner/very wealthy so if it doesn't impact you then I don't see the problem.

I guess if you had been together for 30 years and both contributed to the marital pot of money (by bringing up children etc) then I would see more of an issue.

I would tread carefully with your DH over this as you could look like you are being very selfish.

It sounds like you have a great life so just enjoy it.

Out of interest - what would happen regarding wills? Do the family have an expectation of being taken care of in the event of your DH's death? That could get very difficult.

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