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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resentful at dh’s Family

130 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 13:12

Dh is financially successful and a very kind, generous person. He’s very close to his dm and siblings. The problem is, they are constantly asking him for money for things, and I get the feeling they genuinely feel entitled.

One of his siblings struggles financially and he puts a generous sum in her account monthly, but it’s never enough. I have tactfully tried to put it to dh that she needs to watch her spending but he seems to think it’s his duty.

I know I can’t change dh. But how do I work on my resentment not about the money but about their sense of entitlement? He loves them but I hate that they take advantage of him.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 03/04/2019 14:33

Was he already generous with them before he met you? It sounds like he is generous with you of you are under no pressure to work so why can't he give whatever he wants to his family?

I struggle to understand why you resent them for relying on him financially as you do yourself unless you think that being a wife gives you more entitlement.

If he enjoys being generous to his family and it doesnt impact on you, why does it bother you?

Drum2018 · 03/04/2019 14:35

While being generous (with a birthday gift for example) and nice to your family is a lovely trait, your situation would drive me mad. I could not standby and watch my Dh hand out our family money to such money grabbing relatives. As for face timing him while on holidays - why is he even answering her calls?

BlueSkiesLies · 03/04/2019 14:35

Sounds like a generous man. Generous to his sister. Generous to his wife (albeit you contribute with sex or cleaning/cooking or something I suppose)

Yabbers · 03/04/2019 14:38

As I said, we are extremely fortunate that it doesn’t impact on us financially but the issue I have isn’t with the money but the sense of entitlement.

It isn’t leaving you short of money, so presumably you think he should be keeping the money in the bank for you both to use? You live off his income but when he wants to share his financial success with his blood family, you think they are acting entitled?

Whether he’s spending it on you, or them, it’s up to him to choose to do that and it seems strange you would say they are acting entitled when you are acting the same way.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 14:40

Barren thanks for your honest opinion I do think you might be right; although I also think the fact I don’t get paid for my work is really none of their business.

Susanna30 that’s just shocking- no words.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2019 14:41

The relationship between adult brother and sister is totally different to spouses.

I knew someone would try and compare.

The sister has her own spouse.

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 14:41

I seem to remember you posting about this before, OP. As I recall the response by the majority was that it's his money and he can do what he likes with it. I said that and nothing's changed for me.

Oakmaiden · 03/04/2019 14:42

If it doesn't have an impact on your lifestyle, and he is happy to do it, then I can't really see the problem. I would love to be wealthy enough to help those I love to have extra nice things in their lives.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/04/2019 14:48

There is a poster who frequently posts on here how his DP (gay relationship but shouldn't make any difference) is always giving money to his sibling. The advice has always been a resounding not your money, not impacting on your finances so not your business.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 03/04/2019 14:49

Well, they might argue that the partner permanently studying is none of yours...and much like your choice to volunteer instead of earn? I do think on a second marriage, with no children, there is less case for considering all income 'family money' that you both have a say in.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 03/04/2019 14:49

I very rarely say this, but consider this with the roles reversed?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/04/2019 14:51

And yes the relationship between spouse and sibling is different but if the spouse is doing voluntary work then they really could be doing paid work and contributing to the family pot.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 03/04/2019 14:52

Sorry, posted too soon.

I meant to sat, imagine that you were a high earner who had a close relationship with family and helped then financially. Then you married someone who didn't work/earn, who took against this relationship? It was there before you, if you see what I mean.

How does he react when you discuss the level of contact etc?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 14:54

Thanks Bluntness that’s probably what I need to hear. Yes Swing, I do think being his wife gives me more entitlement as it is normal in my culture for people to support their spouse but not their wider family.

Alsohuman I have posted about this problem once before but with regards to another sibling who ‘borrowed’ an obscene amount of money from him which we never saw again.

Barren, why should it make a difference that this is a second marriage?

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 03/04/2019 14:54

Susanna30

That's terrible! What would have happened if you'd said you were as broke as your MIL and couldn't do it? (Sorry for derailing thread)

OP

I don't think you've got much of a leg to stand on as regards the money as you're not working yourself and, as mentioned above, you are "newer" to the family (but I do sympathise as it would irritate me too). But I would definitely be asking for holidays and especially mealtimes to be phone-free (you don't have to make it SIL specific). That's just plain rude on your DH's part.

TeaForDad · 03/04/2019 14:55

Blueskylies:
(albeit you contribute with sex or cleaning/cooking or something I suppose)
Hmm

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2019 14:58

The money part is really tricky.

I agree as a spouse you have a greater entitlement (in every sense of the word) than his sister.

Answering the phone to her throughout your holiday and at mealtimes is really bad manners. If you can't bring this up with him you have a problem.

I guess you don't have children together?

DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner · 03/04/2019 15:02

Do you answer your phone when you are together engaged in dinner etc. Does he not know what it feels like ? Get a mate to ring/FaceTime you, text a pre arranged password, then carry on like he does - sometimes people don’t get how rude it is until it happens to them.

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2019 15:02

Op if he is happy with this, and it doesn't impact your standard of living, then you need to let it be his decision, particularly as you don't work or financially contribute

This

Why don't you work (in a paid capacity)?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 15:06

Missed your post Blueskies, no I don’t contribute with the with the cleaning for your info!!

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 03/04/2019 15:07

I think the phone calls and intrusion are far more of an issue than money. If DH and I had more money, neither of us would blink at giving it away to our respective families if they needed it. And in the past, when we've had some extra cash, we've sent fairly large sums to his family (thing big birthdays/weddings/babies etc) And I'm the main breadwinner so you could argue (i wouldn't, but some would) that it was my money, not his.

But if his family are intruding to the point where you can't eat dinner on vacation without them muscling in, I'd have far more of an issue with that.

GreatDuckCookery · 03/04/2019 15:09

Missed your post Blueskies, no I don’t contribute with the with the cleaning for your info!!

How come? Is DH retired?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 15:10

LaurieMarlow If I worked it would not have any impact on our life, we travel a lot and with my voluntary work I can go when suits us.

OP posts:
MattFreisWeatherReport · 03/04/2019 15:15

I agree with what BlingLoving said above. I think you're in danger of absolving him of any responsibility for what's happening and characterising him as 'too nice for his own good'. But really, what kind of person repeatedly facetimes a family member during meals and walks with their partner while on holiday? And wouldn't take kindly to being asked not to? His sister sounds needy, perhaps even manipulative or grasping, but the real problem here, I think, is the extent to which your partner is sidelining you in his life. I think this is the real source of your resentment and won't go away until you tackle it head on.

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2019 15:15

If I worked it would not have any impact on our life

You’re being supported by him too then, seems a bit much to be complaining about others.