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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resentful at dh’s Family

130 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 03/04/2019 13:12

Dh is financially successful and a very kind, generous person. He’s very close to his dm and siblings. The problem is, they are constantly asking him for money for things, and I get the feeling they genuinely feel entitled.

One of his siblings struggles financially and he puts a generous sum in her account monthly, but it’s never enough. I have tactfully tried to put it to dh that she needs to watch her spending but he seems to think it’s his duty.

I know I can’t change dh. But how do I work on my resentment not about the money but about their sense of entitlement? He loves them but I hate that they take advantage of him.

OP posts:
Roussette · 03/04/2019 16:14

Grin Not sure I need calming?!!!

Just my opinion, as you have yours.

BorisBadunov · 03/04/2019 16:16

I’m not sure if I’ve got this right, but my understanding is that :

  • DH made lots of money before you were in the picture
  • the money is his, not yours
  • you don’t have children together
  • you don’t have paid employment and you do not perform domestic/household services (cleaning etc) for DH
  • you basically live a life of leisure, travelling all the time with DH
  • DH has always been very generous to his family; this pattern of behaviour predates you being in the picture.

I’m really struggling to understand your resentment. You just sound plain mean. It’s his money, not yours; his family, not yours; you benefit greatly from his generosity towards you, but you resent his family members also benefiting from it. Why? So you can inherit more when he passes away?

I’m afraid unless my facts wrong, I think YABU and petty.

ssd · 03/04/2019 16:19

The issue here isn't whether the op earns or has beeb married for 5 minutes, the fact is they are husband and wife and are sharing a life, and whilst her dh is very generous with money they can afford, his extended family are taking the piss and standing with their hands out and a woeful expression on their faces, namely his sister who is old enough to know better. The op sees this and it annoys her and it would annoy anyone.
Whether the op earns or not has fuck all relevance here.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/04/2019 16:20

If he is happy with giving his sister hand outs thats his choice as well @Rousette. It is his money. Its a 2nd marriage with no children involved. There is absolutely no reason why the OP cant contribute to the money pot other than choice so she cannot dictate how he spends it.

ssd · 03/04/2019 16:22

Questioning the op on whether they have children together or not etc etc is well out of order, she is in the same pos9as someone married 30 years with a bunch of kids, she's a wife and has every right to feel as she feels.

ssd · 03/04/2019 16:22

Position

TwinMummy1510 · 03/04/2019 16:24

You say it doesn't affect your lifestyle now but how about when you reach retirement age? Will you have enough money to have the lifestyle you want without having to budget and compromise?

Assuming that's not an issue, I don't think the problem is actually about the money. I think there's underlying resentment on both sides. She feels displaced by you. As she can't claim as much time as she used to, she's compensating by making darn sure that he gives in money what he can't do in time. It's about her claiming her stake in him rather than just the money per se - and I think you see that, and it's that which aggravates you.

The constant harping for sympathy, digs and lack of respect for your personal time with your husband are the real issues here. I suspect that if she was really lovely, supportive and non-judgemental about your voluntary work you really wouldn't begrudge the money.

She sounds annoying, and difficult. And it sounds like your DH is used to pandering to her. Doubt it will change, but I totally get why you feel niggled by her.

As for those comparing a wife's financial relationship with her husband, with the one that he has with his adult, married sister, give your heads a wobble. It's not the same thing at all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/04/2019 16:25

If the wife was earning all the money and the husband was not earning or doing the household chores just enjoying a life of luxury at her expense then you would all be calling him a cocklodger. She might not lije him spending his money on his sister but it is his money his choice

MattFreisWeatherReport · 03/04/2019 16:32

Exactly what I think, TwinMummy but you put it much better than me.

Roussette · 03/04/2019 16:32

Sweeney it's the principle AFAIC

Huskylover1 · 03/04/2019 16:35

I'm confused. How do you pay for all of your travel, and your own upkeep, if you don't work?

Did you stay at home because you had children together, and it just wasn't worth going back to work, because he earns loads and you would be on a low salary, so it wasn't worth it?

If he dumped you tomorrow, could you survive financially?

I could be wrong, but I'm getting the vibe that you sponge off him just as much as his family. Unless you did have his children, as per the above?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/04/2019 16:36

I don't think he's actually helping his sister much by encouraging her to depend so much on him. But it is a difficult situation to manage without seeming grasping and mean (which I don't think you are).
It won't solve the whole problem, but haven't you been desperate to visit a couple of very remote places without mobile signals or wifi? It might break the habit a bit if communication wasn't possible.

mrscampbellblackagain · 03/04/2019 16:40

I think it makes a big difference if you have been married for 30 years and have children or if you have been married for 6 months. Pretty sure the courts would also see a difference if there were a divorce.

If OP is enjoying a lovely life and her DH can afford to be generous to everyone then I don't see the problem.

Maybe the DH sees it as his money and has protected 'his' money. Wouldn't be the first man in a second marriage to do so.

mrscampbellblackagain · 03/04/2019 16:41

Not that I am suggesting OP is getting divorced at all! But doesn't sound like her DH has a problem with his family so I would be wary in OP's position of creating one.

user1486131602 · 03/04/2019 16:45

Report her before she does it to someone else.

swingofthings · 03/04/2019 16:49

Yes Swing, I do think being his wife gives me more entitlement as it is normal in my culture for people to support their spouse but not their wider family
Well he clearly sees it differently. This is both your second marriage. He had established a standard of helping his famy before he married you.

You sound very materialialistic, if I was your oh, I'd wonder of you married for his money rather than him.

ssd · 03/04/2019 16:52

Christ you sound bitter husky

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 16:56

She doesn’t sound bitter at all. She’s saying the same as the rest of us a bit more bluntly.

NameChange92 · 03/04/2019 16:56

You sound like a massive hypocrite to me.

Roussette · 03/04/2019 17:00

She’s saying the same as the rest of us a bit more bluntly

No, not everyone. Not me.

Huskylover1 · 03/04/2019 17:00

Can't see why that sounds bitter?

Op is moaning that her DH is too generous with family. Then admits that she earns ZERO and lives off his income. It also sounds like it's a short lived marriage, rather than her having raised his children.

Half of marriages end in divorce. She could be dumped by her DH at any point, and her CV will be full of holes, and she won't have a home or an income. It's monumentally stupid, in my opinion.

On top of this, she's nagging him about who else he's generous with, whilst still taking his money for herself??

RomanyQueen1 · 03/04/2019 17:03

Have you posted about this before, I recognise the mil widow and the sil being entitled.
I don't think I could be with a man who was so easily manipulated by his family.

Roussette · 03/04/2019 17:04

Plenty of assumptions there Husky!

It sounds like a 2nd marriage for both of them, maybe she put in a lot of money from her first marriage into where they live now, maybe she's had a high flying career and they're now trying for children, maybe anything, we don't know. You say it sounds like a short lived marriage but we don't know that either.

BorisBadunov · 03/04/2019 17:05

One more thought on this : generosity- by which I mean the act of giving to others - is one of the most potent ‘feel good’ actions. That’s why people get way more joy from giving than receiving presents.

It is entirely possible that your DH’s charity towards his family is essential to his happiness. I would be careful about disrupting that.

I wouldn’t count myself as exceptionally generous, far from it, but I certainly recognise that when I give to my friends, family members or others in need, it makes me feel bloody good about myself.

No selfless good deeds and all that.

Petalflowers · 03/04/2019 17:07

I feel a little barked that the siblings were using dh as their personnel bank and expecting the money. 5hey should be standing on their own two feet.

Regarding the constan5 phonecalls, dh needs to learn not to be a5 5heir neck and call. He doesn’t have to answer thei4 call, respond to their text etc. Maybe get him to leave his phone at h9me when you go out, and see what happens.

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