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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of giving birth alone without DP

113 replies

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:24

We have extremely limited (absolutely no) hands on support and whilst my DM volunteered to be our emergency contact and look after the toddler so DP can be present at the birth, she has become unreliable and can't be depended upon to arrive and remain sober.

We don't really know the neighbours well enough to ask, have limited friends locally and don't have the money to be paying for professional emergency childcare (one income household) and there's always the chance baby may arrive in the middle of the night or I could be labouring for a long time etc. You never know.

I've been fretting about this for weeks but am resigning myself to the fact I may have to just go it alone, as scary as that is for me. MW has asked me to write up a birth plan and we'll go over it next week when I'm 37/38 weeks.

I'm really nervous about being on my own incase something goes wrong. It has become a huge source of anxiety as I approach my due date. AIB ridiculous? Has anybody else given birth alone? (Besides the hospital staff ofc)

OP posts:

formerbabe · 02/04/2019 20:26

have limited friends locally

But you do have some? Honestly, ask them. Even if you were a casual acquaintance, I'd help you out in such a situation.

pansydansy · 02/04/2019 20:27

Have you not got a friend who could go with you or look after your other child?

Palominoo · 02/04/2019 20:28

I have birth to my daughter without my partner as I went into labour at 3.00 am and he had to stay at home with our 2 and a half year old son.

Then when in hospital, they were very busy and I had an old Irish midwife who was on the same wavelength as me about my giving birth naturally with no fuss and she let me get on with it and kept popping back in to see me and then staying with me for the last fifteen minutes when baby came out.

You'll be fine.

hellosis · 02/04/2019 20:28

Have you considered a home birth? Could be a possibility

hellosis · 02/04/2019 20:30

Also, even my neighbours - who I literally barely know, I'd help them out in this situation.

People will be a lot more willing to help than you think!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/04/2019 20:30

I second pp, even an acquaintance I'd help out in this situation, you're not asking for long term after school care it's a one off for an out of the ordinary circumstance.

Kungfupanda67 · 02/04/2019 20:31

Have you considered a home birth? Obviously might not be an option, but I had my third at home overnight and the other two slept through it. We did have emergency childcare to phones in case they woke up, but according to my midwife most kids don’t wake if it’s night time.
During the day is much easier, echo previous poster, ask any friends (even if you’re not close) from nursery pick ups or wherever, I have an Infant school child and a toddler and everyone I spoke to about having the new baby said if we needed help with the kids to give them a call. I think the vast majority of people would help you.
Good luck :)

MidsomerBurgers · 02/04/2019 20:31

I was also going to suggest a home birth.

HeyJude81 · 02/04/2019 20:31

I can understand why you’re feeling anxious. Of course, I’m an ideal world having ur DP there would be best but sometimes it just doesn’t work out like that. My exh had been sent home from the hospital because they didn’t think anything would happen (I had to stay on the maternity ward coz I have very quick labours and DS was a BIG baby) so I went to sleep....woke up 8cm dialated and gave birth 18 minutes later. Exh was called and arrived about 20 mins after DS was born. I understand I had a very quick and easy labour and not everyone’s would be like that but I didn’t feel alone at all. The midwife knew the situation and all the staff were great and reassuring me and making me comfortable. Hopefully you’ll work something out before your DC is born but try not to worry too much 💐 xx

hellosis · 02/04/2019 20:32

Does your older child go to a nursery?
Would a member of the staff there be willing to stay at your house with your little one?

This can be abit awkward for regular babysitting but as a one off!?

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 02/04/2019 20:33

Someone I didn’t know well asked me to look after their child while they gave birth. Genuinely just an acquaintance. I was really honoured (and childishly excited). I also had mum and the toddler round for play dates twice beforehand, showed him his bed etc. People might surprise you!

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 02/04/2019 20:34

But if that doesn’t work, I’m sure midwives would take particular care of women with no other support.

Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 02/04/2019 20:34

I am in pretty much your exact situation. We have decided to have a home birth as my husband doesn't want to miss the birth and my 3 year old would quite happily be there. But I still have fears and concerns about being at home but less so than going it alone :(. Hope you find a solution for your family x

TillyTheTiger · 02/04/2019 20:36

How do you feel about home birth? It's not too late to request one, and chances of complications/transfer to hospital are much lower with a 2nd birth (about 12% if I remember correctly).

edwinbear · 02/04/2019 20:36

I had DC2 alone whilst DH stayed at home with DC1. It was absolutely fine, I could focus on giving birth, without worrying about DC1, (nor DH who didn’t much enjoy our first experience), the midwives were brilliant support and given the choice, I would choose to deliver without DH if I ever had to do it again.

He also much preferred coming to see us when everyone had been cleaned up!

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:39

My own friends are back in my hometown 250 miles away (I'm not from round here and haven't made the effort to make new ones - I know I know)

It wouldn't be practical for any of them to travel down this far with no notice and they may not arrive in time. We don't have the space to host an extended visit on the off chance that one could stay a few days in the run up to my DD and my friends all have children themselves

DP's friends are primarily from work and football and he wouldn't feel comfortable asking them as they're not overly close. He's not the most social outside of work and his weekend hobby.

Our son is 15 months and not yet in nursery so we don't have the option of asking staff/other mums.

Glad to hear it wasn't a bad experience for the PP's who ended up alone when the baby arrived, that does reassure me somewhat.

I had briefly considered enquiring about a home birth the problem is we have limited space and I'd be worried about DS getting distressed if I wasn't coping too well.

OP posts:

Greenlegobox · 02/04/2019 20:41

I'm facing the same thing. Parents live 2hrs away so prob won't be here in time if baby comes early. I've just decided to go with it. If it happens, it happens. I'll deal with it. I was worried about loads of things with my last labour, worried about the birth plan etc, etc. When it happened, I just got on with it. Worrying doesn't help and it might not happen anyway.

Sunshinegirl82 · 02/04/2019 20:42

I know money is an issue but could you consider a doula? Then dp can stay with DS but you'd have support?

SwappitySwap · 02/04/2019 20:43

YANBU but seriously ask people that you feel would be trustworthy (nurseryworkers/nannies etc a good start).

I know if an aquaintance asked me (I’m older) I’d step in easily and be happy to help as having small children can be tough!

Try not to worry and to think of maybe a teacher or neighbour you trust who could help

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 02/04/2019 20:44

My DH was looking after our firstborn when I had our second. It wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t alone, I had a midwife with me all the time. There were complications but DH and DD were blissfully unaware until all sorted. He wouldn’t have been of any us to me so no need really.

Wowzel · 02/04/2019 20:45

If she were to hire a doula she may as well hire a babysitter through one of the childcare websites - it would probably be cheaper and her DP could be at the birth

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:45

I'm trying to rationalise that giving birth alone won't be the worst thing in the world and the hospital staff were lovely when I was in with DS (DP present at that point)

I've packed magazines, a book, my tablet with headphones and made a meditation playlist. All this providing it's not a quick in and out, of course.

I had planned to make use of the birthing centre this time all going well and was really looking forward to what I hoped would be an amazing experience compared to DS's slightly gruesome and not the nicest of births.

I'm livid at my mother for not being reliable during the one time I need her to be, but it comes with the territory of having a shit parent I guess

OP posts:

formerbabe · 02/04/2019 20:45

DP's friends are primarily from work and football and he wouldn't feel comfortable asking them as they're not overly close

Ok, I'm going to sound really sexist here and probably get flamed, but if any of his football/work mates are family men and have nice wives/partners, I'd bet those women would be willing to help.

GummyGoddess · 02/04/2019 20:47

If you do have a home birth and he gets stressed, your DP can always take him out, or you can go to hospital at that point and give birth alone as per the current plan?

I asked my midwife about 19 month old DC1 being present, she said that toddlers do not seem to care about labour noises and just get on with things. I couldn't tell you if that was true as DC2 was born while DC1 was at nursery.

rachelfrost · 02/04/2019 20:50

Depends on what kind of birth you are aiming for. I think if you’re going for full pain relief and have a really clear birth plan then you’ll be fine.

If you or your partner are sentimental about it or are trying for no pain relief I’d try and find some childcare. Like others are saying, ask someone you trust, you don’t have to be close to them. People want to help. The worst that can happen is they say no. You’re not going to give birth often so risk some rejection.

You could call up some local doulas and ask if they do free births for low income mothers, sometimes they do.

I gave birth alone- well in public so not alone, but with no one medically trained or whom I knew. It’s not how I did it the next time round but it was fine.

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