Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be scared of giving birth alone without DP

113 replies

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:24

We have extremely limited (absolutely no) hands on support and whilst my DM volunteered to be our emergency contact and look after the toddler so DP can be present at the birth, she has become unreliable and can't be depended upon to arrive and remain sober.

We don't really know the neighbours well enough to ask, have limited friends locally and don't have the money to be paying for professional emergency childcare (one income household) and there's always the chance baby may arrive in the middle of the night or I could be labouring for a long time etc. You never know.

I've been fretting about this for weeks but am resigning myself to the fact I may have to just go it alone, as scary as that is for me. MW has asked me to write up a birth plan and we'll go over it next week when I'm 37/38 weeks.

I'm really nervous about being on my own incase something goes wrong. It has become a huge source of anxiety as I approach my due date. AIB ridiculous? Has anybody else given birth alone? (Besides the hospital staff ofc)

OP posts:

mondaylisasmile · 02/04/2019 22:59

JaneEyre07 your partner sounds like he massively let you down tbh. I'm not sure I could look him in the eye without raging resentment and hostility for being so shit at one of the few such vulnerable and scary times in life as giving birth alone because he turned out to be fuck all support during the birth.

I'm also utterly flabbergasted at some of the comments here asking why on earth some mum's want their partners there - for advocating, support, practical assistance, transport, to input into urgent medical decisions about mum or baby if the mum is unsure or incapacitated or things escalate quickly, to keep a level head... Need I go on?! It's fine if some women would prefer alone (different things suit different women, that's np) but don't question another woman's preferred birth partner.. you haven't got her life experiences and I think it's astoundingly pompous to suggest women shouldn't be supported by whoever they think best for them during birth!

mondaylisasmile · 02/04/2019 23:00

Sorry, to answer the op.. I would ask any local woman I knew even casually in this situation.

Your mum has been a massive letdown (which honestly I couldn't forgive her for) but in this situation I'd step up to help a random neighbor, colleague, etc.. and I don't grant favours lightly at all..

hibbledibble · 02/04/2019 23:02

After a home birth you are not taken into hospital routinely for checks, no.

You don't need a birth pool for a home birth, but if you do want one then you can hire one, the hospital may lend you one, or a local home birth group may lend you one. If you bought a second hand one you could resell for similar to your purchase price.

If you want a homebirth just ask the midwives, you need to get a home check asap.

Purpleartichoke · 02/04/2019 23:09

I would watch a coworkers toddler for something like this. Even if we have never shared even a cup of coffee together. I know what it is like to be in a city on your own.

CountFosco · 02/04/2019 23:13

When I was pregnant with DD2 Dad was very ill and Mum didn't know if she'd be able to come and look after DD1. I asked some friends to help and they were really horrible and rounded on me at a lunch we were having and told me I was being incredibly selfish expecting them to help, I cried when we left the house I was so upset. It was such an awful time and I thought I'd have to give birth alone. Eventually I asked some mums that I didn't know well if they could help and they were so lovely and kind. That was 10 years ago and we are still friends (haven't seen the other 'friends' for years and no loss there). Nice people are willing to help in these situations, even people they don't know very well. And most people are nice.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/04/2019 00:13

I know money is an issue but could you consider a doula?

Oh honestly. How do you think she’s going to afford a doula if she can’t afford emergency childcare?

PregnantSea · 03/04/2019 01:38

I would honestly reach out to people who think you don't know well enough. If a neighbour I barely knew asked me to do this under the circumstances I absolutely would. I'm not even that "nice" and I don't often do stuff for people I don't know but this is something I would bend over backwards to accommodate.

And it might be the start of a nice little friendship :) you could use all the support you can get OP!

Surfingtheweb · 03/04/2019 02:08

I'd help anyone in this situation as previous posters have said. But knowing a midwife very well & her positive chat about home births I would 100% look at that too if I were you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/04/2019 02:17

You have had great advice on here so I wont weigh in other than to say.....

Out of my six births, my one home birth was the absolute best and most fulfilling and that DD tells anyone who comes to our home "I was born there" pointing to our sofa!

I would recommend it to any woman who doesnt need to be in hospital for medical reasons.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/04/2019 02:20

Oh honestly. How do you think she’s going to afford a doula if she can’t afford emergency childcare?

Quite.

I have noticed though that some on here really dont understand that "We dont have much money" means that there isnt much money and not "We dont have much money as we cant do Florida this year and might have to take a few K out of the savings....".

Ok101 · 03/04/2019 03:44

Hi op. Same situation here. 4th dc on their way soon. Dh has never been with me for the birth. He missed the first by 1 hour. Second i made him wait outside. 3rd no child care so he stated downstaia and i birthed at home uostairs and plan to do the same.

To be honest you will be concentrating on getting baby out you wont give a flyjng monkeys about his wishes or if he sees baby being born. Hopefully it will be straightforward and out the same day!

Good luck

FrozenMargarita17 · 03/04/2019 08:16

My dh was invaluable. He made me food even though I couldn't eat. He helped with counter pressure on my back. He encouraged me when I got tired and started to lose my focus. And he cleaned up after me. I wouldn't do it without him at all.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/04/2019 08:29

DD2 was born while DH was in Afghanistan. I had a home birth. Up until the day before I gave birth the plan was for my Mum to look after toddler DD1 if she was awake- but my neighbor found out and took her for the afternoon so I had my mum's support giving birth. But I also had two midwives plus a nearly qualified student midwife, so if my Mum had been concentrating on toddler instead, it would have been ok.

Lots of people I know have said that the baby's father has to be there to allow them to bond... DD 2 is 6 years old now and she's definitely Daddy's girl!

Skyzalimit · 03/04/2019 08:34

We had a similar issue. We were also worried that our DS1 would need to feel loved and nurtured during thus big change event. We set up three options and in the end a good friend was available but we also asked 2 neighbours, both of whom were lovely and would have been fine (computer games, kids to play with, mums who made great kid food). We made friends with those neighbours. It's goid to have local friends- you might need a local babysitter again too.

OP, where are you based? As others have said, maybe MN can come together and find some local support for you? Even if just to make local friends for the future. Wr are everywhere! x

OneDayillSleep · 03/04/2019 08:42

If your other child is only 15 months old I’d probably try a home birth, at that age he’ll have no idea what is going on. I have 18 months between my children and laboured at home for hours with my second, my daughter just played happily unaware.

Failing that I’d ask a neighbour. I’d happily help someone out in this situation even if they went into labour at 3am.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 03/04/2019 09:26

My second was alone because DH was with DS. It was fine. I suspect it happens quite often.

Unclebuck3 · 03/04/2019 09:40

Hi Op, have a look at this, it’s information on the Doula Access Fund for those on low incomes.

doula.org.uk/doula-access-fund/

I had my first alone as she was born in a country that doesn’t allow men in the delivery room. She was then left with ‘a friend of a friend’ when ds was born as he decided to arrive on the one day my friend had to be out of town 🤦‍♀️

For all those saying just ask a neighbour, it’s not so easy to leave your child with a stranger, no matter how nice and responsible they may seem. I worried the whole time about dd as she was my precious first born and had never been away from me then was suddenly left in a strange home. (She was fine and the wonderful lady sent me hourly photo updates once she saw how neurotic I was )

formerbabe · 03/04/2019 09:47

I honestly don't see why the op should get a doula. She wants her partner there. She needs a babysitter.

I think your best bet is for your husband to ask one of his football friends who has a family. If mrformerbabe came home and said, "oh, you know Pete from football, his wife is about to give birth and they have no family locally, so I said we would watch their toddler for a few hours, just during the time she's in labour", I'd be totally fine with it.

Ihatehashtags · 03/04/2019 09:48

I actually found my partner more annoying than helpful. They can’t do anything much to help. I preferred to be left alone in peace until it was time to actually push the baby out.

DerbyRacer · 03/04/2019 09:59

I gave birth to my DC alone. It ended up being an emergency c section. The hospital phoned my parents to let them know when I was going in for the operation so they could be there for when I came out of operation with baby. I was fine doing it alone but nice to have someone there the see me once baby had arrived.

TwoShades1 · 03/04/2019 10:08

I’m not a generally “favour giving” type person. But I would happily help out even an acquaintance in this type of scenario. It’s an important time and a unique “one off” type thing. I would rather do a one off important thing like this than be bothered frequently for small trivial things. Do any of your DH friends have children themselves, particularly younger ones. I think most mums would be happy to help out even if they don’t know you/your child very well.

CuckooSings · 03/04/2019 10:13

Two suggestions - i had a student doula with dd2 (ex was emotionally and finically abusive and i wanted support) who was free. She was lovely and advocated for me and actually gave me the courage to leave my ex. I had to fill out some forms but it wasn't too ardous and allow her to use my birth story.

Secondly i once cared for a neighbours child in this situation. She knew i was a Church Warden and therefore DBS checked. I had her toddler for two playdates before. In that case the birth was 8 hrs and said tot was asleep for most of it! Neighbour moved away after giving birth so we never built a relationship. But i was happy to help. It might be worth approaching your local Church. Sunday school leaders etc are DBS checked and might just help.

Brainfogmcfogface · 03/04/2019 10:29

I gave birth on my own with no birth partner a month ago and it was brilliant! Seriously! I recommend it now.
I was scared like you but I was taken extra care of by the staff, I always had someone with me, and when it did go wrong and I ended up having an emergency section, the hospital staff were amazing, they comforted me, reassured me, they were so kind and even let me take my phone into theatre and they took tons of pictures for me. I now see how having a birth partner wouldn’t be that helpful, I was in to much pain to talk anyway, and actually the times when I was alone I enjoyed the silence.
I know how scary it seems now OP, really I do, I was shit scared, but it really turned out to be a wonderful experience even with the section.
I was really looked after, and it I ever had another child, I’d do it alone again.
The staff will take extra time to check on you and make sure you’re ok, and you can get on with the job at hand without worrying about your other little one.
Feel free to inbox me if you have any questions, like I say, my experience was really lovely, despite it going wrong.

Bogonoggin · 03/04/2019 10:36

Hey Februaryblooms, you're certainly not being ridiculous. Childbirth is a very stressful time as it is without this added worry. I can understand why it's playing on your mind. Our families are up north and not in good enough health to travel down. In the end they weren't needed and DP was at the birth but it was a worry with our little one. You're doing the right thing in tackling some of the practical things like getting a bag packed etc. It's a psychological boost to look at your bag and know that that is one thing taken care of if needed. I think I just googled a list on line (eg www.stuff4tots.com/emergency-labor-what-to-do-if-you-have-to-give-birth-alone/) and put a few things together. It made me feel a bit more in control lol .

The other advice is right too. Even if you don't know your neighbours that well people would have to be pretty heartless not to take in a little toddler under the circumstances. I'm pretty shy myself so I understand you not wanted to approach them. What's the worst that can happen though? And you never know this could be the start of a better relationship with people in your local area.

Best of luck anyway xx

mondaylisasmile · 03/04/2019 10:52

she was born in a country that doesn’t allow men in the delivery room

Wow Which country is this?

Isn't it a massive breach of women's rights/bodily autonomy as the patient (barring any infection risk etc concerns)?!?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5