To be scared of giving birth alone without DP

[Februaryblooms]

We have extremely limited (absolutely no) hands on support and whilst my DM volunteered to be our emergency contact and look after the toddler so DP can be present at the birth, she has become unreliable and can't be depended upon to arrive and remain sober.

We don't really know the neighbours well enough to ask, have limited friends locally and don't have the money to be paying for professional emergency childcare (one income household) and there's always the chance baby may arrive in the middle of the night or I could be labouring for a long time etc. You never know.

I've been fretting about this for weeks but am resigning myself to the fact I may have to just go it alone, as scary as that is for me. MW has asked me to write up a birth plan and we'll go over it next week when I'm 37/38 weeks.

I'm really nervous about being on my own incase something goes wrong. It has become a huge source of anxiety as I approach my due date. AIB ridiculous? Has anybody else given birth alone? (Besides the hospital staff ofc)

I would ask your friends. My family live far away. I had 6 different friends ready to look after my 18 month old when I went into labour. My son arrived a week early at a weekend. All my friends were out without their phones ( this was 12 years ago). My husband asked a neighbour who was happy to look after my daughter.

*she was born in a country that doesn’t allow men in the delivery room

Wow Which country is this?

Isn't it a massive breach of women's rights/bodily autonomy as the patient (barring any infection risk etc concerns)?!?*

It was like this in the UK up until the seventies. My DGM had a stillbirth with her first delivery and they just whisked the baby away, neither her nor my DGF saw the baby at all. Horrible. I’m glad things have changed but yeah, not so long ago birth was for women only...

Anyway, a home birth might be your best shout. If anything goes wrong they blue light you to hospital and obviously if that happens, you won’t care who is with you. You don’t need a pool at all, just sit in your bath for a while if it helps. I laboured at home with DC2 and 3 until I was 9cm, it was fine.

Home birth! My DS1 was 18 months old when I was in labour with DS2. I spent some time on my hands and knees in the garden (it was August!), DS1 was so adorable, stroking my back and saying, "poor mummy" but knew his brother was coming along so he was very excited too! Now they're 18 and 20, oh good lord...!! Do consider it, OP. My birth would have been a CSec in hospital but was natural at home, and with my exDH and my DS1, it was hard work but perfect. Congratulations and I know I'm not the only one waiting to hear the news of your new arrival!

Thank you all for the kind comments and sharing your experiences and reassurance

I'm definitely considering the practicalities of having a home birth after reading your comments and doing my own research last night. I'll go over this with the midwife.

DP has a few reservations about whether DS will find it upsetting so we'll have to talk about it more before I reach a decision.

He's suggested asking his DF to be an emergency contact and I'm more than happy with that, the problem is he works long hours and often doesn't finish until 9pm at night by which point he's worked 12-14 hours. He's in his 60's so I don't know whether it would be too much for him, he's an hour away but it's worth an ask I suppose. He can only say no, not that I think he would.

The idea of labouring in my own bath and being at home seems quite lovely, home comforts and all that. I'm doing some reading up about what I'll need to buy in preparation if we do go down that route.

More importantly I'm calming down somewhat about the possibility that I may have to go it alone as nothing is ever fool proof and I may need to be in hospital if anything goes wrong or I don't progress. Its reassuring to know that people who've been in that position didn't find it awful.

I second the poster who recommends hypnobirthing. I’m due to have my first soon and I have bought the Positive Birth Companies hypnobirthing videos (£35). It has given me so much confidence that it will all be ok even if the labour doesn’t go to plan.

There are a few people who say birth goes quicker without a male partner present.

Trainee doulas are about £200, well worth considering.

Somehow labouring at home with the DCs around was all very manageable. I wonder if some ‘mind over matter’ came into play? I managed somehow to wait until they were out of the way to give birth.

DC1 was in bed.
DC1 & 2 woke up, I told them what was going on. DH sat them in front of the TV, I had the baby (hearing Thomas the Tank Engine ‘peep-peeping’ takes me right back there).
Got DC1, 2 and 3 into bed whilst in labour. Had DC4 shortly afterwards.

There’s less going on at home. The MWs tend to stay in the background making notes, there’s no one coming in and out. Space to pace is helpful.

There was a time when hypnoborthing CDs were doing the rounds on MN. We’d use it, and send it on to the next woman.

But I digress. I also found it incredibly helpful.

I had DS while DH was in the waiting area with DD. I had just arrived and was being examined, no one realised how far along I was and I had DS while they were outside.

However, DH would have gone home with DD and left me at the hospital until his parents arrived (3hrs away). It was just what we needed to do as we didn't really know anyone to ask (moved to a new area). The midwives were lovely and let DH and DD in to see me when I was transferred to the labour ward. It was quiet so no one screaming (otherwise I wouldn't have told them not to), so they both got to see DS and then DH went home until visiting in the morning. The staff were really nice though and I got DH to pop a mars bar within reach before he left

I expect it's fairly common, not everyone lives in their home town now.

Do you go to toddler groups? Because honestly if someone was in your position then actually people would be more than happy to help. But you do need to ask.

I have 5 DCs, 3 of whom were born without anyond except medical staff present. It was fine and quite liberating not to have to worry about anyone else.

I was alone the second time. To be honest I didn’t notice the difference.

I gave birth to my first on my own - the father was a waste of space and would rather have stayed at work, then go up the pub, before bothering to come and see his son, family 250 miles away, I had friends I could have asked but didn't feel comfortable asking. I found it a relief, I knew I had to do this on my own and despite having a very difficult birth I got through it fine.