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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be scared of giving birth alone without DP

113 replies

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:24

We have extremely limited (absolutely no) hands on support and whilst my DM volunteered to be our emergency contact and look after the toddler so DP can be present at the birth, she has become unreliable and can't be depended upon to arrive and remain sober.

We don't really know the neighbours well enough to ask, have limited friends locally and don't have the money to be paying for professional emergency childcare (one income household) and there's always the chance baby may arrive in the middle of the night or I could be labouring for a long time etc. You never know.

I've been fretting about this for weeks but am resigning myself to the fact I may have to just go it alone, as scary as that is for me. MW has asked me to write up a birth plan and we'll go over it next week when I'm 37/38 weeks.

I'm really nervous about being on my own incase something goes wrong. It has become a huge source of anxiety as I approach my due date. AIB ridiculous? Has anybody else given birth alone? (Besides the hospital staff ofc)

OP posts:

ScarletBitch · 02/04/2019 21:40

Why on earth do you need your DP there? What can he possibly do that the midwives can't?

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/04/2019 21:42

She wants him there. There's no need to try and shame her for that, because you had a different feeling about it.

formerbabe · 02/04/2019 21:46

Why on earth do you need your DP there? What can he possibly do that the midwives can't?

My god, what an awful comment. Absolutely shameful to say such a thing.

Greenlegobox · 02/04/2019 21:51

My preference is overwhelmingly for my DP to be with me. Because I love him, its his baby too and his support is really important.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:52

I wanted him there because I found DS's birth quite traumatic so was reliant on him for emotional support.

He also wants to be there to cut the cord, as he didn't get the chance with DS. Its a little thing but means alot to him (and me)

OP posts:

GookledyGobb · 02/04/2019 21:53

I’ve not read the whole thread (sorry) but my four year old was there when I was in labour. I was totally oblivious to her (stupidly fast transition and second stage) and swearing and quite distressed. She didn’t blink an eyelid and my home birth midwives said kids don’t because they have no expectations of what labour should be so they don’t associate it with fear

If it was getting too much for your toddler your husband could take him out/away? You’d have two homebirh midwives with you and at least be in your own space? At least with a home birth there’s a chance of you giving birth with your husband there

Don’t worry about mess - midwives will protect everything well with plastic sheets and they’ll clear up afterwards

formerbabe · 02/04/2019 21:54

Most women want their partners/husbands to be there. No need to explain or justify yourself. It's perfectly normal.

GummyGoddess · 02/04/2019 21:56

You can hire a small birth pool, doesn't need to be massive. They tend to come with the pump, hose, tap connectors, ground sheet, sieve and thermometer.

I never got to give birth in the pool. DC1 I was made to get out and go up and down the stairs, then do lunges and squats before I then decided that I didn't fancy going back downstairs, then gave birth in the bathroom. DC2 I didn't even get near the pool, I shut myself in the bathroom and didn't realise how far along I was until it was too late. DH called the midwife but I gave birth in the bathroom (again) before anybody got there. It was all fine, they sent paramedics as a precaution to wait with me before the midwife got there but all they needed to do was bundle DC2 up with towels and sit with me as it all went well.

Would suggest getting some bed mats and leaving some in the bedroom and lounge. Also DP emptying the washing machine at the start of labour and then throwing all the towels in for a cold wash with vanish immediately afterwards.

Still have a hospital bag packed and by the front door ready to go. Even if it's going well and you suddenly want to go in for any reason at all, you can. You aren't tied to giving birth at home.

Original poster

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:58

Is it standard practice for mum and baby to be taken to the hospital for checks after giving birth at home?

I need to do some reading up and familiarise myself with the process before I rule it out entirely I think.

OP posts:

Sparklybanana · 02/04/2019 21:59

I did it. Accidentally mind A’s induction was definitely not going to really start labour for at least 12 hrs. Ds turned up 3 hrs later. It was fine. I was concentrating on other things. I considered trying to wait for my dh before pushing but I don’t think I even finished that thought when I decided definitely not. It was actually quite empowering compared to my first where I had two birth partners and tbh, they just pissed me off towards the end.

AuntMarch · 02/04/2019 22:03

I understand you would like him to be there, but nothing will go wrong just because he can't be (if that does end up being the case), you will be very well looked after!

My mum said if she were ever to to do it again she'd not want a man around as they don't cope very well/are an extra annoyance 😂 but I get that some people do like theirs.

LadyRannaldini · 02/04/2019 22:06

I know I'll get shot down, not following the MN manual, but I can't fathom this thing about 'support', to be honest were I to start again knowing what I do I would far prefer it to be just me and the medical people. It may be that it's just because I am happy to be on my own and don't find the need to constantly be with someone.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/04/2019 22:11

What a stupid thing for your mum to say @AuntMarch. Men are all different, and cope differently, fgs.

My DP was invaluable in both my births, which both ended up as EMCSs with poorly babies. Both times he went to SCBU with the baby whilst I was in post op from the c section and unable to be with them. He had to make instant decisions about their treatment and in the case of DS1 spent a day and a half doing all the cares in SCBU as I was unwell.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 02/04/2019 22:12

Husbands weren't allowed in when I had mine. To be honest I didn't give it a second thought, I managed perfectly well on my own.

GummyGoddess · 02/04/2019 22:14

No, even after delivery without a midwife she just came and checked me and baby over and we stayed home. You get another visit the same day or very early the next day to make sure you're both doing well.

You may need to go to the hospital for newborn checks if they do not have a qualified midwife on duty to come and do them for you, but we had them come to us both times.

Our local home birth team are lovely, they are happy for you to email with all your questions and they will get back to you to help you decide what to do.

With our team, all of the later appointments are at home. I had one midwife to go to the surgery for appointments and then the home birth midwives came to my house on a rotational basis. They send different ones in the hope that when you have the baby you've met one of the midwives delivering them. It's usual appointments, they measure you, check baby's heartbeat and position and get you to pee on a stick. They'll also do a sweep at home if you want (although I said no).

Definitely ask to be put in touch with your team so they can answer any questions for you. I found that the home birth midwives were nicer than the normal ones and listened to me more before and during birth. Perhaps because I was their only patient, they didn't have to rush around doing anything else except take care of me.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/04/2019 22:15

There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner there.

Childbirth has inherent risks to mother and baby, from minor issues up to a much less likely risk of serious injury and death. It is therefore unsurprising that many women will want their partner with them. And some don't. Which is fine. Whatever you prefer. One is not superior to the other.

O4FS · 02/04/2019 22:17

You aren’t being ridiculous. Not at all.

Saying that, I preferred to give birth alone.

I had three homebirths and the other DC were around. Is a home birth an option for you?

O4FS · 02/04/2019 22:18

MW will come to you for newborn checks after a HB. No hospital visit required.

GummyGoddess · 02/04/2019 22:23

@AuntMarch Your mum would love this photo. The lady has just given birth and is laughing her head off as her partner fainted!

user1474894224 · 02/04/2019 22:28

I had a traumatic long labour ending in csec with DS1. DD2 popped out while OH was dropping DS1 at GMs house. I had a lovely labour and a really nice midwife. It was so peaceful. My favourite birth. OH was there for DS3 ....and said he could have lived without ever seeing that happen. 😂. He didn't love DD2 any less for not being there. I didn't resent him. It was what it was.

keepforgettingmyusername · 02/04/2019 22:36

You could get your mum to go to hospital with you?

Stompythedinosaur · 02/04/2019 22:40

Is there anyone you know from a playgroup or toddler group you could ask? I find other parent's who you only know a little will step up in this situation. I remember another mum offering to have dd1 when I was pregnant if I got stuck.

Islands81 · 02/04/2019 22:48

When I had dd2 I had a trainee doula who was basically free, I just had to pay her travel expenses. Worth looking into to see if there’s any local trainees for you? I knew he father would be as much use as a chocolate teapot so I wanted some backup.

If you do have to go it alone, it might not be so bad. With both my labours I was so in my own world that I wouldn’t have cared who was/wasn’t in the room. I don’t recall getting any useful support from either of the fathers of my children. Disclaimer - both of mine were quick and straightforward.

ChipSandwich · 02/04/2019 22:54

I had dd2 in hospital while his and looked after toddler at home. We had no other support. I didn't really mind, you have to do what you have to do. It was fine, I can't say I even missed him for the duration.

Neighneigh · 02/04/2019 22:57

My clever plan for going into labour fell to shit when Ds2 was two weeks early and no-one, absolutely no-one, was where they said they'd be. Eventually a neighbour from seven doors down was found and came to sit with ds1 (fortunately asleep, and oblivious) until the proper planned person arrived. Turns out it was the neighbours birthday and we scuppered her plans for the evening but she said it was more important that I didn't give birth in her driveway! Ahem. OP, do investigate a home birth, and do ask other parents you know as back up. You'll be surprised that people would make themselves available, it's one of those times where people really will help.

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