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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of giving birth alone without DP

113 replies

Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:24

We have extremely limited (absolutely no) hands on support and whilst my DM volunteered to be our emergency contact and look after the toddler so DP can be present at the birth, she has become unreliable and can't be depended upon to arrive and remain sober.

We don't really know the neighbours well enough to ask, have limited friends locally and don't have the money to be paying for professional emergency childcare (one income household) and there's always the chance baby may arrive in the middle of the night or I could be labouring for a long time etc. You never know.

I've been fretting about this for weeks but am resigning myself to the fact I may have to just go it alone, as scary as that is for me. MW has asked me to write up a birth plan and we'll go over it next week when I'm 37/38 weeks.

I'm really nervous about being on my own incase something goes wrong. It has become a huge source of anxiety as I approach my due date. AIB ridiculous? Has anybody else given birth alone? (Besides the hospital staff ofc)

OP posts:
stucknoue · 02/04/2019 20:50

How old is your elder child - done hospitals let you bring them with you, very common in the US (our rooms are smaller here though) especially if it's nighttime

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:52

What is the process for home births?

Would I need to buy a pool or do you 'rent' them from the maternity unit?

At what point do you call the midwives to come round?

Im absolutely clueless as I never looked into it past wondering whether it would be a good option.

The lack of space and DS being present put me off but I may be willing to reconsider if it meant DP not missing DD's birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 20:53

DS is 15 months

OP posts:
Missmonkeypenny · 02/04/2019 20:55

Oh, how stressful for you, the last thing you need when giving birth so soon. You can do this, it’s just sad that you might have to.

Is there a Mumsnetter local to you who you could get to know and have on standby maybe? I know I’d be happy to help out if you’re down south!

fieldofwheat · 02/04/2019 20:58

I was very recently in the same situation OP. DH had to look after 2.5 yr old and no close family or friends nearby/available, so was ready to go
It alone. My labour ended up being very fast and resulted in an emergency CS and so even if we had the option for someone to come and look after DS I don't think my DH would have made it to the hospital in time!

It might be worth asking your midwife if there are any student midwives who could attend the birth. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy a third year student saw me along with my regular midwife. She was due to be at the birth (but not enough to get there) and also saw me postpartum. Not sure if this happens in all areas but might be worth asking?

9nine · 02/04/2019 20:59

I was alone for the births of my last two children, my exH stayed at home with the children each time as it was easier and I was absolutely fine.
I had a midwife with me the whole time (apart from popping out for a min a couple of times) for both births, both were great experiences and I’d happily do it again.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 02/04/2019 21:00

My DH (now exh) went AWOL for 2 hours whilst I was in the final throes of labour and delivery was texting OW the bastard

He was tracked down by a very angry midwife after baby and I were clean and fresh And stitched back together

The entire team were amazing OP when they figured I'd be on my own, discuss with your mw about your concerns.

Cryalot2 · 02/04/2019 21:02

Just a thought, speak to your midwife and possibly sure start. They may be able to enlighten you or supply someone to be with you or know someone to help in a situation like that.
Don't worry and may fall work out.

Cryalot2 · 02/04/2019 21:03

Work out that should be. Sorry I have predictive text .

pastabest · 02/04/2019 21:06

A home birth wouldn't necessarily require a pool! You could labour in the bath though if you wanted to be in water.

If I have a third child I'm going to have a home birth because of the kerfuffle we had organising childcare for DC1 when DC2 was born.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:07

What an absolute @StrongerThanIThought76 I'm so sorry you had to endure such a shit of a man.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 02/04/2019 21:09

Don’t worry about it, it’s only been the last 20-30 odd years that men have been in the room , thinking back I would have been alright if my late husband hadn’t been at the birth

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:09

I'll definitely have a chat with my midwife about my concerns. I hadn't mentioned anything so far as I was pinning all my hopes on DM doing right by me for once. It would appear I have more chance of hell freezing over if recent events are anything to go by.

I didn't realise I could use my own bath for a home birth.. that would be quite lovely as I virtually live in there at the moment.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 21:10

Hi op. If you wanted a water birth you can hire pools. I used mermaid at heart.

I would recommend home birth. It was wonderful for me and it could really help you in your current situation.

I actually got out of the pool and pushed dd out on the sofa! The midwives just popped a pad underneath me. Things to buy would be towels (not black and not super fluffy as I learned!!) and if you're worried about furniture you can buy a cheap shower curtain to put down. Puppy pads are also good.

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 21:11

It was also good, because I had 2 midwives come round and they were only with me

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:12

In terms of the type of birth I wanted..

I was aiming for as natural as possible this time within reason (I had an epidural with DS but it kept failing and wasn't a nice experience)

I wanted the birthing pool, gas and air but whatever else I was able to have on standby if I felt i needed it later on.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 02/04/2019 21:12

What about a neighbour? My next door neighbour looked after the DCs from the other side of her. The woman went into labour really early and get mum who was meant to have the DCs was on holiday. My elderly neighbour saw the ambulance arrive (36 weeks, previous complications) and went out, even though they were barely on nodding terms, she ushered the DH into the ambulance too and went into their house to look after their DCs. She told me this when I was pregnant, we don't have any DCs but my husband works late sometimes and she said if you get so much as a twinge call me, I can't drive but I can come with you until your husband can get there, other than taking in parcels, and swapping veg over the fence I really don't know her very well, but she was chuffed she'd been able to help the other family and more than willing to help us. Maybe try and get chatting to some neighbours generally?

madcatladyforever · 02/04/2019 21:13

Yes me. I absolutely didn't want anyone at the birth. I don't enjoy being seen in that state and was far more comfortable with it just being me and the midwife tbh. I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 02/04/2019 21:14

How much was it to hire a pool if you don't mind me asking? @FrozenMargarita17

The living room isn't the biggest but I could make room for one if I shuffled things about a bit, alternatively I do like the idea of labouring in the bath then getting out to push..

Luckily my sofa is faux leather so I wouldn't need to worry about ruining it with blood stains.. would definitely need to shift the new rug though Grin

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 02/04/2019 21:20

Student doulas can often be very reasonable in what they charge, so it may be worth investigating that if a home birth isn't possible.

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 21:20

I think it was about £100 for 5 weeks. I'd just google hire birth pool and find somewhere that would be available to you as I'm not sure if they were everywhere!

MonsterRehab23 · 02/04/2019 21:21

I was pretty much alone for DD’s birth. I went into labour a week early, OH waited with DS until my mum came to babysit and walked in whilst crowning.

It was fine. I was pretty much focused on the pain etc to notice anyone else. If you decide to do it alone, it will be fine. If your pregnancy is straightforward you could also consider a homebirth

FrozenMargarita17 · 02/04/2019 21:24

Hypnobirthing is your friend for a calm birth. I did it with only a couple of puffs of gas and air when I wasn't allowed to push and it was painful to go against what my body wanted to do. But after that I gave it back because I didn't like it.

NCBabyBoy · 02/04/2019 21:26

Wish I could help... Where are you (roughly)?

JaneEyre07 · 02/04/2019 21:35

When I had our 2nd baby, DH was with me for quite a few hours but to be honest, he got on my nerves asking "can you feel it's doing something" every time I had a bloody contraction and "how much longer do you think it will be". He had the fidgets, kept coming back with noisy food like crisps and by 10pm, I told him to go home to bed and they'd ring him if anything changed. I felt so relaxed within minutes, and had a lovely student midwife to keep me company. I went into proper labour at about 4am and they rang DH at 6am, he got there literally as I started to push.

I don't get the whole need to have partners there, and he can come straight in with your other DC when you've given birth.