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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not the same , he's not married.

142 replies

smallereveryday · 02/04/2019 08:25

Had a bit of a falling out with a close friend as she is having an affair. It's difficult because she is a really close friend a god mother to two of our children. Someone whose morals and judgment I've held in high esteem for 30+ years.
Friend is separated. Very amicable ,Ex- Husband lives in Annex attaches to house and on-Hand for kids should he be required. (Mid/late teens)..

She started this affair 2 yrs ago and was the catalyst to end her long dead marriage.
I have made my feelings very clear in the matter and have told her not to discuss it with me unless she wants a row. We try to spend time together avoiding the subject but inevitably it spills over.

Friend believes she is doing nothing wrong as she is separated (mid divorce Nisi received etc) and Affair partner never married. This, to my friends mind makes all the difference. She maintains that she can only commit adultery with a married man.. and he isn't. ! This has been fuelled by AP now proposing . He maintains he is free to do so despite currently living with his partner because he has 'never loved her enough to marry her' (yet still managed to make two kids with her). Now - loves middle-aged dream has changed all that Hmm).

He has just put a hefty deposit down for a new home for both of them , so am pretty sure this is all happening. Obviously I don't know all the gory details as TRY not to get in to it.

AIBU to say that it makes no bloody difference if he's married or not. This does not excuse this behaviour. He is in a relationship with children. Friend maintains that I'm talking nonsense. He has never legally committed to his partner so it's her fault for agreeing to have children without legal safeguards. Unbelievably of the 4 other couples who know about this ALL the husbands and 3 of the Wives agree that as he isn't married , there isn't an issue and he is free to do as he pleases. Am I really that out of step ?

Im so disappointed. This man seems to have changed my normally sensible, kind thoughtful and above all moral friend into someone so willing to compromise her beliefs in such a selfish way.

OP posts:
trendyfood · 02/04/2019 09:11

You are sure that the partner of the man she is planning to move in with doesn't know?

I don't really understand - so, she is saying that if you are in a relationship and not married then it is automatically an open relationship simply because you aren't married?? So she would be fine if the man she was planning to move in with was also carrying on with a third woman because she isn't married to him?

It all sounds a bit loopy.

DeaflySilence · 02/04/2019 09:11

Does the affair man's partner (or their children) know of the affair?

I would be so tempted to tell her (although I don't know if I actually would/could), simply so she has enough time to try to bleed him white financially protect herself.

tisonlymeagain · 02/04/2019 09:12

I've found myself being disappointed in my friends and their behaviour in the past but at the end of the day, they are my friends and like me, they are human and we tend to err (or make monumental cock-ups). I don't always agree with my friends and I'll let it be known if necessary but I do love them and I am there for them, even if their moral compass points in a different direction to my own.

You have a longstanding relationship with this woman, I guess it's up to you to decide whether you can get past and retain that friendship or whether this is far too much of a big issue for you. Don't be outraged on the AP's partners behalf, this should be about your relationship with your friend.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 02/04/2019 09:12

Well you know what? I stand in judgement of folk like this as well, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

YANBU OP, your friend is trying to justify her awful behaviour as is the boyfriend. They’re both reprehensible.

So idiotic as well, it sounds like she broke up her own marriage for this guy - I assume her children wouldn’t have been arsed in the slightest if their parents weren’t married?!

DantesInferno · 02/04/2019 09:19

Unbelievably of the 4 other couples who know about this ALL the husbands and 3 of the Wives agree that as he isn't married , there isn't an issue and he is free to do as he pleases. Am I really that out of step

no, but you need to find some new friends, if 7 out of 8 people think its ok to have sex with a man who lives with a partner he has dc with. If you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas

SoHotADragonRetired · 02/04/2019 09:21

I've got to admit, I would be very tempted to make the point a bit meanly by telling her I was going to set up her boyfriend with your youngest and most attractive single friend. Because after all, he and she aren't married. So that wouldn't be cheating.

Singlenotsingle · 02/04/2019 09:21

Not really any of your business is it, OP? And nothing you can say will undo what she's done, or intends to do. Her DH seems to have accepted the situation (maybe he's quite pleased). Hopefully the OM's partner will be looked after and the dc provided for financially. That's the measure of a decent man. I wonder if the friend will insist on marrying the OM...

Cinnamonhazelnut · 02/04/2019 09:21

its actually nothing to do with you.
if she is happy - let her be happy.
people are different and have different personalities and morals - you wont always like them but that's life.
just let her get on with it and just be her friend. you aired your views - its up to her now.
and if it all goes wrong, just be the shoulder she needs to cry on. you can even say i told you so if it makes you feel better.

Happyspud · 02/04/2019 09:24

Judge away. She should be ashamed of herself.

AnneOfCleanTables · 02/04/2019 09:27

I agree that it's an affair but I have met people who differentiate as your friend does ie if they're not married then it can't be an affair. I wonder if it's an age/class/area approach. The people I know who share it are mid-50s, English, middle class.
It's also about semantics. I don't think your friend thinks she is doing nothing wrong. Otherwise, she would have told everyone about it including her new partner's family. She just doesn't think it's adultery (because it isn't) or an affair (because she thinks affair means the party has to be married).
You're arguing about terminology rather than morals.

sewingismyhobby · 02/04/2019 09:34

I'd cool your relationship with your friend for a bit and wait for the shit to hit the fan.
This is textbook affair scenario where the star crossed lovers are currently living in fantasy land.

Your friend isn't fooling anyone but herself in this scenario.
At the moment, she's living in denial that because he isn't legally married, it makes everything ok and they're about to embark on a wonderful new life together.

I don't think the fact that their dad wasn't married to their mum will make a jot of difference to the damage the affair will cause to his children.
Your friend is going to get a very rude awakening when his kids start to stay over in the new love nest and treat her like shit because they will blame her 100% for splitting up the family and for the suffering their mum is going through. Her wonderful lover (who is clearly a DICKhead) will be torn by not wanting to be seen as a bad guy, so he's just as likely to pretend the kids are not being nasty to his new love interest and try to smooth things between them.

EarlyWarning · 02/04/2019 09:35

She has been committing adultery. All this time she has been married, and still is until the Absolute comes through. How come that doesn't bother her?

Casmama · 02/04/2019 09:35

I would apologise for saying she is having an affair as technically she is not. I would point out that it's really semantics as she was having an affair and that morally I did not think it was acceptable to have a relationship with someone in a committed relationship who was deceiving their partner.
Playing with language does not make her behaviour morally defensible.

Actually I probably wouldn't say most of that but I would think it- people are capable of justifying all sorts of things to themselves.

Blinkingblimey · 02/04/2019 09:36

FudgeBrownie2019 ‘s first paragraph - I completely agree. If we all go round ignoring others people’s utterly shocking behaviour and never calling them out or defending the wronged what sort of society does that make us?!

Doghorsechicken · 02/04/2019 09:38

I agree OP, they are behaving awfully! I am no longer in contact with my best friend of 15 years because she chose to run off with a married man. I was disgusted and shocked and I can’t be friends with someone that thinks that is ok. He had 4 children with his wife, an entire family ripped apart because of a mid-life crisis prick and my desperate friend. I lost any respect or trust in her so there was no friendship left to salvage in my eyes.

LeesPostersAreInFrames · 02/04/2019 09:38

Some people need to cushion themselves from their own low/non-existent ethics, because they'd never be able to sleep at night. I suspect (or maybe just hope) that deep down she absolutely knows that this is morally bankrupt, but she feels she has to kid herself because otherwise she'll notice the shiny fairytale ending is built on stolen land by grubby glue-sniffing fairies.

I've had friends who have had affairs. I'm not friends with them any more, but not because of their affairs, but in general because of the mismatch of ideas and ethics. I don't know what to suggest to you. Maybe just get some distance while it all shakes down, to begin with.

Daisymay2 · 02/04/2019 09:40

I'm with you OP and I agree with Friar Tuck about being judgemental. I feel so sad for the APs partber and her children, particularly if they are unaware of his plans. Your friend is deluding herself. He may not be committing adultery but he is being unfaithful. What a basis for their future together .

BloodsportForAll · 02/04/2019 09:43

Her behaviour is disgusting and if the shoe was on the other foot, she would be devastated her partner was running off on her and their kids.

Doghorsechicken · 02/04/2019 09:43

I’d ask her if she thinks it hurts less if the couple aren’t binded by a piece of paper. I’d ask her if the children will take it better because their parents aren’t married. She’s justifying her appalling behaviour.

gairytoes · 02/04/2019 09:43

Well, clearly it doesn't make a difference if they are married or not, except for logistically.

I'd be inclined to continue not to discuss it. It's her choice, and people make poor decisions in the pursuit of love. Her lover's partner may end up an awkward footnote on the story of their relationship, and this really might be the real deal. You also aren't privy to the history of his partnership, or how this relationship is being dissolved. If she's otherwise a great friend then you owe her to agree to disagree and move on.

Ragnarthe · 02/04/2019 09:48

I wouldn't ask her anything about it.
You sound superior and friend and cheating man sound like knobs.
If it riles you up so much then don't be friends with her.

CharlyAngelic · 02/04/2019 09:48

30 years a friend and now this .
Sounds like she is dead to you now so walk away from the friendship , and tell her why .
Good luck .

IdaBWells · 02/04/2019 09:51

This thread is a good illustration of why so many MNeters encourage women to marry the father of their children. To protect themselves and their children in this kind of scenario.

This couple clearly are putting the needs of the children dead last and I agree with the summation of sewingismyhobby.

However OP you seem very overinvested in all of this. It really is none of your business and if it’s driving you crazy to be around your friend while she is in this relationship, maybe the friendship has run it’s course.

NCforthis2019 · 02/04/2019 09:54

You’re overinvested in this OP - step back and let her make her own mistakes. I would also cool the friendship as I think you cannot get past what she has done - this will change the dynamics of the friendship. Let it go.

DarkElf · 02/04/2019 09:58

He's a dick and she's a fool, at the least, if she thinks he won't treat her just as badly one day. He's showing her clearly who he is.
Mind you, sounds like she deserves him.

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