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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think getting over this relationship while married is impossible?

115 replies

Crushed1982 · 01/04/2019 23:36

I’m married but fell hard for a married colleague last year. I believe that I love him but I accept that we’ll never be together because of his duty to his wife and children. I don’t want to tear my own family apart either. How can I get over this man I love when I can’t grieve for him? I have to keep my feelings secret. It’s very difficult to let go.

20 years ago I fell in love, went out with someone for 3 years and he broke up with me. I buried my feelings and didn’t face it at the time. Now just talking about my ex still makes me cry, 20 years later. I know that’s because I didn’t process it properly or grieve properly. How can I grieve this but grieve secretly? It hurts so much.

P.S. this is not a crush or limerence, both of which I understand and am familiar with. I love this man (and yes I do know him very well).

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/04/2019 23:44

You might love him but he doesn't love you, harsh I know, but if he really did he wouldn't be able to bit be with you. He can tell you it's because if his family etc but ultimately if he absolutely lived you need make it work. You need to be restock and unemotional about it, you're elevating it and him to a level where you won't move on, you'll just wallow. Your partner doesn't deserve any of this.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 01/04/2019 23:45

Typos sorry but hopefully you get the gist

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 01/04/2019 23:47

Thank you. You’re right. He obviously doesn’t love me or he’d not be able to bear being apart. I will keep focusing on that.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 23:51

Go see a therapist now. There is a reason you can’t let go of this. And it’s probably nothing to do with him. Honestly it will help. It might take a lot of work in your behalf

Singlenotsingle · 01/04/2019 23:52

There must be something missing in your life that makes you weepy and hanker after other men. Assuming you've got a nice DH and maybe dc, just be thankful for what you've got. You're in danger of throwing it all away.

Meandwinealone · 01/04/2019 23:54

Are they the same man? Because if they're not then the issue is much deeper

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 01/04/2019 23:54

You need a safe space to let it out, I think possibly a therapist as it sounds like you can't let it out in your day to day life.

QueenBeex · 01/04/2019 23:57

I think you should be honest & let your husband go find someone who doesn't love someone else. If you was happy in your marriage this wouldn't of happened. So accept you aren't happy with your husband, tell him you love someone else, then it'll be out in the open and you can grieve for your colleague however you wish. I've never found myself in this situation so I've got no other advice.

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 01/04/2019 23:58

Thanks everyone. I think a therapist would be a good idea.

Is this not normal then? I know that I do feel things very intensely but I thought it was still within the realms of normal feelings. Don’t other people get hurt over past relationships and feel sad about them if they think about lost loves?

OP posts:
BloodsportForAll · 01/04/2019 23:58

How far did it go with the colleague? I've found the further I've gone with someone, the harder it is to come back.

Can you look for another job?

I lost someone important once, it was the right thing that we split but even when I thought I had moved on and everything, I would get dreams about him.

And I sometimes get dreams I wake from in a real state of upset. Not a lot I can do about that.

Time and distance and reminding yourself of your partner and family and their importance to you. It happened. It shouldn't have but it did. Try to focus on what you and your partner want to work towards and bury your head into that.

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:01

QueenBeex I haven’t told my DH because we have young children and I don’t want to upset their lives for what? Waiting another 20 years to meet someone else I feel this way about?

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Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:03

It never became physical with my colleague beyond hugging. I think it might have been less intense if it had been physical in fact.

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Nowordsleft · 02/04/2019 00:04

Are you talking about two different men who are hung up on?

Nowordsleft · 02/04/2019 00:04

...You are hung up on sorry

Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:06

Are you actually happy in your marriage. If I take it right that’s 2 different men that you long for

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:07

I’m saying that I fell in love with A when I was in my early 20s. I’m 99% over him 20 years later but I sometimes cry if I talk about him because it was such a painful break up.

Person B is the man I’m asking about here. I want to get over B and not be tearing up about him in 20 years time.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:09

I have no interest in being with person A now.

Person B I love.

My husband, it’s complicated. I don’t feel about him the way I feel about B or the way I felt about A but he’s the father of my children and I don’t have a terrible life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:10

I wouldn’t say that I’m happily married but I was merrily ticking along until B entered my life like a rocket.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:11

Are you happy
Now

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:12

No I’m not happy. My world is falling apart because I want to be with B but I’m not with him.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:12

Because that’s the actual issue here. If you were happy now, you’re ex of 20 years ago wouldn’t even enter your head. You wouldn’t even think about feelings with someone else. Unless you were a sociopath

Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:13

This is nothing to do with B
TRUST ME

Hellywelly10 · 02/04/2019 00:13

Try reading the threads on here about women that fall hard for blokes at work, there are plenty. Your idealising these men op, do you fantasise about them alot?You could be in love with an idea in your head, not the reality of who they are.

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:15

My ex from 20 years ago broke my heart. He was my first true love. Maybe my only love. So I don’t think I 100% ever got over him or those emotions.

Maybe I am a sociopath. I do feel like there’s something wrong with me.

The feelings I have for B. Well I just felt alive again. I love the bones of him. But he’s married and is happy with his family.

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Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:19

Please can you explain Meandwinealone?

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