To think getting over this relationship while married is impossible?

[Crushed1982]

I’m married but fell hard for a married colleague last year. I believe that I love him but I accept that we’ll never be together because of his duty to his wife and children. I don’t want to tear my own family apart either. How can I get over this man I love when I can’t grieve for him? I have to keep my feelings secret. It’s very difficult to let go.

20 years ago I fell in love, went out with someone for 3 years and he broke up with me. I buried my feelings and didn’t face it at the time. Now just talking about my ex still makes me cry, 20 years later. I know that’s because I didn’t process it properly or grieve properly. How can I grieve this but grieve secretly? It hurts so much.

P.S. this is not a crush or limerence, both of which I understand and am familiar with. I love this man (and yes I do know him very well).

What whitesoxx said. Leave other peoples' marriages alone.

OP: I really agree with everyone who has said that you need therapy.

You do also really need to tell your husband that you do not love him and very seriously consider ending your relationship.

You are framing this as a competition between something impossible you want (B, who is being a shit to his wife no matter how noble you are imagining him to be) and the status quo (your husband, who you don't actually want or love). But actually, it's not about B at all (or A, your teenage boyfriend). It's about how dissatisfied you are in your marriage. You cannot 'fill the gaps' in it - you have to have a proper, frank conversation with your husband.

Honestly, I think having therapy will help you to see what is obvious to everyone on here: that you should probably just be single right now. Ending a relationship that makes you unhappy (to the point that you imagine yourself as embroiled in grand stories of true love thwarted by duty) and figuring out how to be happy as a single parent might be the best thing for you. Only once you are able to be happy in and of yourself can you consider finding a relationship that actually makes you happy.

And, please, please, recognise that B is a classic EA mindfucker. All this 'I want you so much, but I can't have you and must martyr myself for my wife and children' is absolutely classic bullshit. Honestly, it's so classic that you'd reject the dialogue as cliched if you were editing a novel about this.

The thought of this:
History will repeat itself and you'll be stuck in a cycle of infatuation and rejection.
terrifies me.

Then it might be time to make a plan that doesn't encourage that. Take your head out of the sand. It's not going to be easy but neither is continuing on like this forever.

In answer to your question, I don't think it is normal to cry over breaking up with someone 20 years ago, no. I have a friend who does this and she is regarded as being odd by everyone else!

I think proper therapy would help you get over both men. By proper I mean 6 months of weekly sessions. I have done it, and it totally worked for me. I got over someone I thought I loved. When the realization happened (in therapy) my feelings turned off like a tap.

I have a B.

But in my case we have taken it further and I will leave my DH.

I won't live half a life anymore with no affection. Life is too short.

@VirtuallyConfused what you waiting for then?

So you don’t get stimulating conversation, fun, physical tough or sex from your husband? So why are you with him? And don’t say ‘the children’, as they will grow up knowing you’re in an unhappy marriage.

*physical touch

Waiting for a couple of months until the children will be through a couple of big things

You really do need therapy, OP. None of this is normal or healthy. You sound similar in one way to my DB, who still, even now, hankers after his ex over 25 years since they broke up. He is more extreme than you are; he has serious MH issues and I'm glad he doesn't know where his ex is, otherwise he would very likely stalk her, as he feel there is 'unfinished business'.

My reason for mentioning this is that I don't think my DB would be hung up on his ex if he were happy in himself. He isn't, he's probably the unhappiest person I know. He therefore has rose-coloured glasses when remembering the past. Obviously this is because his ex isn't around anymore so he remembers only the best bits. (Their relationship was in reality pretty toxic.)

Similarly, you're remembering the best bits about your relationship with your ex because he isn't in your life now; if he were, you would remember the reason why it didn't work out.

Is the problem partly that you want things you can't have? This colleague has told you that nothing can happen between you, and that makes him irresistibly attractive to you. This is something you should explore with a therapist.

I have a similar personality to you OP and find it difficult to move on from some relationships.

My parents didn't want me and therefore I have absolutely no idea of what feeling 'wanted' might feel like [apart from in a sexual sense] and I'm in danger of forever subconsciously picking men who are unable to commit.

It's painful. Both in and out of relationships and I've spent a lot of time working myself out and accepting the way I am. I've been single now for more than 3 years because its easier. Painful still - but easier.

I need to learn that I am good enough. That whatever anyone else does or thinks none of that is dependent on how good or not I am. Some days I know this - other days I can't see it so well.

Reading the first part of 'from stress to stillness' by gina lake helps a lot because a thought is just simply a thought [even the thought of love] and can be changed in an instant. Thoughts are not always the truth either - they are only what I choose to believe.

Love yourself the way you believe this particular man would because we all deserve love.

Virtually and the man you are having an affair with has left his family has he?

My husband is a good person. My plan is to try to fill the gaps in my relationship with friendships. So emotional support, stimulating conversation, fun, etc. I will get physical touch from my children.

So you are saying that you get NONE of these things from your husband? Is he offering them, but you are not willing to accept any of these things from him because you don’t fancy him? Or is he not behaving like a loving and supportive husband?

The answer to your question about how you get over B is clear- you need to sort out your marriage, either accept it is over and go your separate ways, or make it better. Glossing over the inadequacies in your relationship by seeking elsewhere what it is lacking is a recipe for disaster.

Crustaceans- what do you mean that it is a classic line re I want you desp but can’t have you? Are you saying that this is a common line trotted out by some men? Why would they bother to say they desp want the affair partner? I haven’t heard of it before and am interested in your rationale for saying it is such a cliche

It’s a whole classic ‘doomed romance’ trope. I want you so much. This is our great love. But we must put our duties before ourselves, etc, etc. It’s classic EA bullshit really.

It makes him sound ever so noble while, at the same time, he’s being a total shit. The OP can delude herself that he’s just such a good man because he’s putting his wife and kids before his own feelings. But a good man would never have cultivated any of it in the first place. Even if he fancied her, he’d have kept quiet about it and minimised contact until it passed.