To think getting over this relationship while married is impossible?

[Crushed1982]

I’m married but fell hard for a married colleague last year. I believe that I love him but I accept that we’ll never be together because of his duty to his wife and children. I don’t want to tear my own family apart either. How can I get over this man I love when I can’t grieve for him? I have to keep my feelings secret. It’s very difficult to let go.

20 years ago I fell in love, went out with someone for 3 years and he broke up with me. I buried my feelings and didn’t face it at the time. Now just talking about my ex still makes me cry, 20 years later. I know that’s because I didn’t process it properly or grieve properly. How can I grieve this but grieve secretly? It hurts so much.

P.S. this is not a crush or limerence, both of which I understand and am familiar with. I love this man (and yes I do know him very well).

Agree with @FirmlyRooted

The reason why I’m so sad is because he’s saying it’s too much and we have to stay apart to ensure nothing happens

I'd say he was trying to let you down gently, after realising that you were taking a mild flirtation too seriously. I know that really hurts, I've been there. But it does wear off.

You need to focus on your family.

Do you want to stay married to your DH? Do you love him? It is really unfair of you to keep him as a 'back up' option.

Forget B, he doesn't want you. He has made his decision.

How you feel about him is irrelevant, he isn't an option.

I feel sorry for B’s wife. I am sure she would love to know that her husband has been hugging another woman and is so in lust with her he needs to stay away .

Are you all very young?

B’s wife deserves to know. So does your husband.

Thanks everyone.

I haven’t told anyone about B in real life and haven’t posted about him before, to the person who asked.

He told me that he’s attracted to me but his children have to come first so nothing must happen. I understand that. He’s said things like he’s never felt this way before, so it’s not all in my head. The reason we haven’t kissed is because we’ve gone out of our way not to.

I don’t doubt that he loves his wife and children. This thread isn’t ‘how can I get B?’. It’s how can I get over him?

I do need to have some therapy to unpick what’s going on for me.

My husband is a good person. My plan is to try to fill the gaps in my relationship with friendships. So emotional support, stimulating conversation, fun, etc. I will get physical touch from my children. The only thing missing will have to be the sex, which I will learn to live without.

We’re not young. Aged 39.

My plan is to try to fill the gaps in my relationship with friendship

What's your plan when you keep falling in love with those friends?

B does not want to be with you. He's told you what he thought you needed to hear; maybe what he pondered in those moments. He may well be a lovely man and he may well have been taken by surprise by how things may have been different; but he is choosing his wife over you. You have to accept that and not dress it up as an honourable intention to be with his family even whilst he gazes after you... that's just giving yourself a way to still admire him, to believe that this was all meant to be.

Your greater problem is that you are going through life pining after other men because you've built a family with a man who you appear to have little emotion for. Now you're in a situation where to correct that, you'll hurt him.

Realistically, you can't fill the gaps with other people. History will repeat itself and you'll be stuck in a cycle of infatuation and rejection.

You can stay and throw yourself into your marriage. Try and fix the things that are missing. I don't know how successful that would be; I don't know what your husband or your relationship is missing and how incompatible you are. You'd need to realistically assess that.

You can talk to your husband about what's missing and see if he agrees, maybe find a compromise if he wants to. The likelihood of this probably depends on whether he is unhappy too.

Or you can leave, in the calmest, nicest way; split things fairly and start again. That leaves you to find someone else, but you will have to put effort in, B isn't going to appear and rescue you. He does not want to.

Be very careful with equating what you feel to things such as being widowed. That is very, very different to your situation, there are no comparisons to be drawn. It's bias at play; convincing you that what you feel is okay.

The thought of this:
History will repeat itself and you'll be stuck in a cycle of infatuation and rejection.
terrifies me.

39 IS young, it’s a long life ahead to live in a marriage without sex and affection.

I didn’t equate this to being widowed. If that’s what it sounded like then I’m sorry. What I was trying to explain is that you can have stronger feelings for a previous partner and I gave the example of a beloved first husband to make the point.

You sound completely messed up in the head. The fact you don't realise that this isn't normal, is frightening.

You need serious counselling. And to let your poor husband go. I feel really sorry for him.

Have you talked to your husband about the lack of sex? Many marriages falter when one person becomes uninterested in sex.

So you merely tolerate your husband? You have kids and you 'don't have a terrible life'? YABVU. If you don't love your husband he deserves to know.

Oblomov19 that’s a bit harsh. I’m asking for advice on how to get over someone so I can continue in my marriage, keeping the family together.

No you're not. That's not what you are asking at all.
Read back what you've written.

B may well want to be with you too, but isn't prepared to jeopardize his involvement with his kids to upset the applecart.

Maybe don't do anything for a while but it's unfair to stay with your husband when you don't really think that much of him. You are only 39 and have your whole lives ahead of you. The 'kid' phase doesn't actually last that long and then what will life be like.

What am I asking Oblomov19? Genuine question.

You keep mentioning the no sex thing so its obviously what you want to talk about.
Whose idea is it on the no sex front?

Keeping your family together is the least of your problems. You can not love someone that you have had no real relationship with,you are infatuated not in love. What happens in 5 years when another b comes along and you do the same again. What about your husband? How is it fair to make him stay in a relationship with a woman who is hung up on 2 different men?
You need to forget relationships altogether and focus on yourself. Counselling will help. You have created a world where you could have this amazing fulfilling relationship with B but you are having difficulty separating this fantasy from the reality of the situation

I feel sorry for your husband, you are crying over a relationship that ended 20 years ago and now in "love" with a co-worker that you are not in a relationship with only because he won't leave his wife and kids, your husband must feel hugely rejected by a wife that is emotionally checked out of the marriage and only stays for convenience and out of fear. How much is you being emotionally and mentally invested in other men harming your sex life? You keep implying that it is non existent but is that because of your investment in other men?

Why would you stay in a marriage with no sex or affection?

This is just all about sex. You're not in love with B, you are lusting after him. There's a big difference.

You and your husband need some counselling and to get your sex life back on track. Not easy but you should at least try. If that doesn't work then you have to split. It's not fair.

And crying over a teenage breakup? 20 years down the line? Sorry but you really need to get a grip

And B doesn't feel the same. All that stuff he said was bullshit. Keeps you on side in case he decides he does want sex from you after all.

You're offering it up on a plate for him. He doesn't find that attractive! He's married and wants to stay there. Leave him alone.

It’s not love OP, it’s infatuation and nothing more.

The first step towards getting past this is to accept that you’re not in love with B, you’re infatuated obsessed, in love with the person you think he is and the amazing life you think you would have had together if only things had been different. But they’re not, and the reality is almost always completely separate from the fantasy.

And I’m going to go one further and say that B probably doesn’t feel any of the things he said he did. He probably just said those things to let you down gently, but it’s the old “it’s not you it’s me” speech, designed to soften the blow but the reality is that he was almost certainly put off by this over infatuation of yours given he feels none of the things that you say you do.

Have been there. I used to fall hard and fast for people. But I always used to take a step back and once you see those people for who they are in the main they’re just other people. Some turned out to be arseholes just because they were, some turned out to just be ordinary decent men just living their lives but looking back I can’t imagine ever actually ending up in fulfilling relationships with any of them. My fulfilment had to come from myself.

If you’re generally unhappy in your marriage then it’s possible that it’s some of this which drives your infatuations, because you’re wishing your own life was different. But an infatuation isn’t a reason to leave your marriage. If you’re unhappy then you should leave anyway, regardless of whether there is a B in the background.

I left my marriage after developing intense feelings for someone. That actually passed of its own accord, but I still ended my marriage because there were a lot of reasons why it wasn’t working. And I left in the knowledge that I would be single, and interestingly that turned out to be enough reason.

Now I am in a relationship, but my life is infinitely different, and I know now that I certainly don’t need a man to be fulfilled, I am who I am because of me, and that works for me.

You can do the same. Don’t go because you need somewhere to go, go because you need to not stay.

If there is a relationship in your future then it will happen, but it needs to happen because it’s meant to be not because you need to find an out from your current situation.