To think getting over this relationship while married is impossible?

[Crushed1982]

I’m married but fell hard for a married colleague last year. I believe that I love him but I accept that we’ll never be together because of his duty to his wife and children. I don’t want to tear my own family apart either. How can I get over this man I love when I can’t grieve for him? I have to keep my feelings secret. It’s very difficult to let go.

20 years ago I fell in love, went out with someone for 3 years and he broke up with me. I buried my feelings and didn’t face it at the time. Now just talking about my ex still makes me cry, 20 years later. I know that’s because I didn’t process it properly or grieve properly. How can I grieve this but grieve secretly? It hurts so much.

P.S. this is not a crush or limerence, both of which I understand and am familiar with. I love this man (and yes I do know him very well).

I felt the same way all through my marriage. After 20 years I ended it. No one else involved. 2.5 years later I’m in therapy. I wish I could have kept my marriage going for my children. I feel horribly guilty. The man I dated for 2 years since divorcing which has since ended was my ideal but turns out my ideal was not kind, caring and didn’t cherish me despite being hugely attractive to me and sexually compatible. I’m single again. Am I happy? No. Do I want my old life back? No, not all of it. do I have massive regrets? Yes. Think very carefully, as what you perceive to be your post divorce ‘perfect man’ and ‘perfect life’ will often be extremely different and there are harsh realities and hardships that you and your children will face.

I get what you are saying OP. Is it normal? I've never thought so. I've 'fallen hard' for men who have been toyed with me but never really made any sort of commitment. They have told me what I wanted to hear, without promoting I should add, and because I desperately wanted to hear it, I took what they said and filed it deep down. Then when they told me there was no future with me, I seem to be unable to reach down far enough to where I have filed their words, so the words remain and the thoughts remain and I wonder why was I never good enough for them.

For me I think I was/am trying to fill a void from my childhood where I didn't have much encouragement and never felt particularly wanted I suppose for want of a better word.

What I can tell you is that if your colleague wanted to be with you, he would be. He doesn't care for you in the way you care for him. He was/is probably flattered by you though and is perhaps giving you crumbs to keep the attention going in small amounts.

I think the only way you can help yourself is to tell yourself that he doesn't care or think about you. He does not want you. He simply doesn't. And keep telling yourself that. Yes you will feel sad at times, but that sadness is a mix of unhappiness and disappointment rather than loss because you cannot lose what you never had.

Focus instead on your family, your children. Don't think about throwing something away because you feel something is missing/because you are bored. Try instead to fill the void. Talk to somebody, a therapist if you can afford it.

And lastly I hope you feel happiness. What helps me is instead of focusing on what I don't have, I try to focus on what I do have. It takes practice to readjust your thinking but with time it gets easier.

So the issue is your sex life?

When you first got with your husband, did you have a good sex life? I'm guessing it was good enough to marry him at least.

Having small children makes it very difficult to have a good sex life, for many reasons. Have you actually sat down and had a think about how to improve things with your husband? Have you talked to him at all?

You talk a lot about wanting to be desired - have a look at love languages. You and DH probably have different primary ones and that's why you're feeling undesired. DH may well be able to redirect his efforts to make you feel loved, into more effective gestures that work for you. But you will have to actually discuss it with him to get to that point. Good luck.

Some things that will help:
Write in a diary every day. All those feelings of frustration and yearning write them down. Writing is a very logical analytical process so it does help ''bleach out' emotions, so you don't feel them so intensely. It can also help you process your emotions and work through them, just through the effort of putting feelings into words and seeing them on the page.

Also important - go do some fun things with your DH, both alone and with your kids. You need to spend time actively talking with your Husband every day (on enjoyable topics as well as mundane daily tasks) to keep that feeling of closeness alive. Just see what happens if you confine your longings for your coworker to just your diary times (trying distracting/redirecting your thoughts if you need to) and making more of an effort to do fun thning/spend time with your DH and kids and focusing on them.

Didn’t you post about this man before? The one you see socially with his wife and kids every few months?

What about your Husband though?.

You sound like you need a break from all relationships.

@SlipperOrchid I have rarely read a more articulate or resonating post on here - genuinely.

OP - I have a diagnosis of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) - it used to be known as Borderline Personality Disorder which you might have heard of.

What it takes to get such a diagnosis is a whole world of shit that you'd probably rather not read about. But what I can strongly identify with is feeling intense emotions. To an observer of sound mind, I might appear fickle, emotional, intense. But living being me and actually feeling the emotions is a very different kettle of fish. I fall hard, I fall fast and I fall deeply in love. The intensity of the emotions can be all consuming.

I suffered from very severe PND as I had never experienced the intensity of the feelings in my life, and I quite literally couldn't cope!

What helps me is exercise, work, not sitting idly thinking and counselling.

I'm not saying that that is what is up with you - rather that I understand intense emotions and I know how much you can feel (while observers like be like - What? - but you weren't even dating?????).

Do you work, exercise, distract yourself? Are you getting counselling in general? If not, you might benefit from trying to start to amuse yourself instead of dwelling on unhealthy thoughts.

I don't normally discuss my diagnosis on here because as sure as God's in heaven someone will Advance Search me and bring it up on an unrelated thread. So consider yourself a special case. I know how heartbreak feels.

Onwards and upwards my girl! That you still think about your first love is not an indicator of how you will deal with this loss btw. Our first always remains in our hearts I think.

You've got issues. How could you possibly be in love with a colleague who you've never done more than hug? That is farcical. You sound like a child.

I feel sorry for your husband. He deserves someone who loves him and puts him first.

And crying over someone you split up with 20 years ago?? You need some sort of therapy. This must all be indicative of a bigger problem. This is not at all normal.

I think the issue is you are not happy with yourself or your life. There's a sense of wanting to be rescued by someone from your posts, and you need to address this. Keep burying it, and it'll keep happening and eventually some man will bite and string you along, leaving you more unhappy than ever.

Please get therapy.

Self indulgent and self centred clap trap. It’s not love, it’s infatuation. You sound like a teenager with an unrequited crush.
What about consideration of your husband and children’s needs? They deserve better. Perhaps stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of the potential impact of your behaviour on others.
I suspect B not only doesn’t love you but he doesn’t interpret the situation as anything other than a wierd colleague who had a wierd obsession.

Therapy - pronto.
And if you still see B at work consider changing jobs

What seems to be lacking is someone telling you that you are displaying an utter lack of self-control.

You can choose to indulge fantasy, including holding on to the past in an utterly inappropriate way. Or you can decide instead to spot those silly, unhelpful thoughts and tell yourself to stop it, and deliberately turn you mind elsewhere every single time.

A self-centred thread like this probably stokes the unhealthy thought patterns. So what else can you be getting on with instead?

They say lust is the nearest thing to madness most of us will get, and this just lust. It’s not love, you barely know him. After a while he’d be doing lots of irritating things and you’d start to see him as a normal person - not on this pedestal you’ve put him on.

If you’re not happy with your husband, leave. It’s blatantly obvious you shouldn’t be staying with him. It doesn’t mean the other man is right for you though.

You are only in love with an idea of this man, regardless of how well you know him. I’m sure you already know that the dynamics when you’re in a relationship are different to when you’re just friends with someone...you absolutely can’t know that this would be some kind of perfect relationship!

Honestly, it might be kindest to take a step back and really focus on your feelings about your marriage for a while. Do you want to stay with your husband? If you don’t, you’d do better to leave and be single for a while rather than hopping from one relationship to the next. If you want to make it work, you need to take steps to distance yourself from the man you’re so infatuated with.

Whatever happens please get some therapy. It sounds like you’re stuck in some really unhealthy patterns.

Thanks, alice, I’m sure the OP is emailing your miracle-working witchdoctor as we speak.

OP, I think you need to rethink your language around this, and stop insisting this is ‘love’, not a crush, as I don’t think it’s possible to distinguish them at the stage you’re at, and with someone you don’t, when it comes down to it, know all that well. And I don’t think the fact that you’re occasionally tearful about a bad breakup a long time ago makes you unusually sensitive or deep feeling, either. I think this is a safe fantasy for you, as B has made his position very clear, and has not so much as kissed you.

You sound a little immature about love, marriage and relationships. Concentrate on working on your relationship with the father of your children.

I'm sorry but your thread has limerance screaming out at me. Has B actually the conversation with you saying " l love you and am desperate to be with you but you know the wife and kids innit". What would happen with your own children if you did leave your dh?

I think you need to leave DH. It sounds like you are with him purely because it is more convenient for you. The second something new comes along you will be off.

If at all possible I would in your situation leave your DH and spend time in therapy working on what you are really looking for when you obsess about these men.

This is one of the harshest threads I've read in a long time. OP, fwiw posters are being very tough on you.

Is it normal to be unhappy in your marriage? Yes
Is it normal to love someone else? Yes, it happens
Is it normal to wish you were with your love? Yes
Is it normal to stay in an unfulfilling relationship? Yes

Don't beat yourself up about this, you can't help your feelings and you have been very restrained not acting on them. Seeing a therapist is good advice. And considering your marriage on its own terms

I really don’t think it’s normal to be unhappy in a marriage, not for a long period of time anyway. And it’s not normal to be in love with someone else!

But then I’ve been in 3 very long term relationships / married twice so what do I know... I’d rather be alone than be with someone I didn’t feel 100% all in with.

You sound delusional. You’ve only ever hugged this man yet you love him and he could give you a sex life. You have no idea what a sex life would be Iike with him or how compatible your drives are. You seem to envisage that if only you were with B you’d be listened to, have an amazing sex life, be appreciated etc when in reality you’d both be dealing with divorces, childcare, single parenting etc. It seems like are projecting everything onto this man - even how you describe him ‘understandably prioritizing his family’. What is actually happening is that he is choosing to be with his wife and family rather than be with you - to spell it out - he WANTS to be with them he DOESNT want to be with you. I second calls for therapy.

If you know you'd leave your husband if someone else wanted you, then leave. Which would be better for your children - a separation because you're not in love but can focus on making it as smooth as possible for them, or a separation because you're in love with someone else with all the extra emotions on both sides? Which us more likely to lead to a future where they accept any new partner you have?

But be sure. Love in a long term relationship can't compare in emotional intensity to new romance, especially forbidden or doomed romance but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

You should look at changing jobs, for your own sanity.

You say you have young children with your husband. Don’t you feel any warmth and love towards him in his role as their father and part of your family unit? Perhaps you are feeling a bit ground down by years of raising toddlers while workkng and your mind has associated work with personal specs and sent you on this flight of fancy. You say that B wants to prioritise his family but you are oddly silent about what you picture for your own children if you were to be “with” B.
Please try to mend your own relationship. Good luck.

Personal space, not specs.