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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think getting over this relationship while married is impossible?

115 replies

Crushed1982 · 01/04/2019 23:36

I’m married but fell hard for a married colleague last year. I believe that I love him but I accept that we’ll never be together because of his duty to his wife and children. I don’t want to tear my own family apart either. How can I get over this man I love when I can’t grieve for him? I have to keep my feelings secret. It’s very difficult to let go.

20 years ago I fell in love, went out with someone for 3 years and he broke up with me. I buried my feelings and didn’t face it at the time. Now just talking about my ex still makes me cry, 20 years later. I know that’s because I didn’t process it properly or grieve properly. How can I grieve this but grieve secretly? It hurts so much.

P.S. this is not a crush or limerence, both of which I understand and am familiar with. I love this man (and yes I do know him very well).

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:19

Honestly op. He was not the love of your life. You need to really look deeper.
People meet, love. Not end up together. It’s ok in the long run.

Unless you’re not happy in the long run.

And that’s what screams out from your posts

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:20

B is a friend and colleague. I’m not idolising him. He has many characteristics that don’t appeal to me! I still love him though.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:21

What I mean is. You are clearly not happy.
It’s nothing to do with B because of that.

If you were happy, B would have just been some guy you didn’t look twice at. People don’t meet the love of their life when their happy with someone else.

So that’s what you’ve got to look at.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough Flowers

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:22

So is each relationship better than the last?

What if someone was widowed and remarried? They might still call the first husband the love of their life (privately).

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 02/04/2019 00:22

You’re not a sociopath OP, or you wouldn’t care. I do feel very sorry for your husband though. Have you ever loved him? I think you’re right that Person B doesn’t love you.

I love my DP more than anything in the world but of course get sad about exes sometimes but that’s more about who I was at the time, not the fact that they’re a big lost love.

I think you need to see a therapist ASAP, try and work this out, or, if you don’t love your husband, try and have the most amincable split as you can because you both deserve someone who loves you to the full.

categed · 02/04/2019 00:22

Turning this on its head. Does you husband deserve to be stuck with someone who doesn't love him and is just passing time with him?
I think you need to be honest with your husband, let him decide if he is willing to carry on, if this is what you want to try. Emotional affairs can be far more damaging than physical ones. In this case i thinkyour husband is your stop gap to being alone and this isn't fair on either of you. You both only have one life to find happiness.

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:23

Thank you. You’re right. And I suspect it (the attraction to someone else) will happen again and again until someone actually wants me.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:24

@Crushed1982
You know that’s different! Being widowed is different altogether

Ok

Let’s just ask this.

WHAT DO YOU really WANT. simple question

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:26

I just don’t want to hurt my family unnecessarily.

If B was interested and available then I would be there.

But without B, to tear apart my family for nothing seems futile and pointless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:28

What do I really want?

I want to be married to B. I don’t want to be single or dating. I just want to be with him.

I want my DH to be happy too. I know that sounds unlikely. I don’t want anyone to be hurt.

I want to be with B.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:32

You need to break this down.
Into tiny little bits. Analyse every single aspect and separate them all.

Currently you want to be with B. He has shown no interest in being with you. But you love him.

Break it all down. And ask yourself again what you really want.

Willweeverfindout · 02/04/2019 00:33

Ack - fuck it. Go ahead and do it. If you do, all I’ll have for you is envy. Braver than me

pigsDOfly · 02/04/2019 00:35

I agree with pps re therapy.

You sound as if you're latching on to any man you can in order to have some sort of fantasy relationship that probably exists mainly in your head, because you don't get that sort of buzz with your husband.

You're being unfair to your husband. If you don't love him, you're just going to go on looking for that ideal, possibly non existent man, until you find some sort of version of him.

If you don't love your husband be honest with him and give him the chance to decide what he wants for his future.

categed · 02/04/2019 00:35

Corget B but give yourswlf the freedom to find the person for you. Yes your husband will be hurt, but less so than in a few more years time when c and d have cone and gone. It's an awful situation for you all and you need to be strong and do what is best for both yourself and your husband.

CardsforKittens · 02/04/2019 00:36

What could B give you that your husband isn’t giving you?

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:36

Well B has shown interest. I’m 99% sure we would be together if we were single. There’s a huge amount of chemistry, sexual tension, common ground, etc. The reason why I’m so sad is because he’s saying it’s too much and we have to stay apart to ensure nothing happens. So he has feelings for sure. But he’s not prioritising me. He’s prioritising his family. Understandably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:37

Do what Willweeverfindout?

OP posts:
CosISaid · 02/04/2019 00:37

Honey, it's unrequited love. He doesn't love you, isn't interested in you, is happily married and has a family. You're barking up the wrong tree.
You can't just decide that you 'love' someone and therefore they are yours or that they should be yours.

Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:39

Well you probably like him more for being a good man. (In as much as one can be in this situation)
But he doesn’t want to leave his family.

So again. What do you want. Because you’re not going to get a happy ever after with B. At best you’ll get an affair and then feel even more shit about yourself.

You need a threrapist ASAP. Genuinely,

Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:40

B could give me...

  • a sex life
  • physical touch
  • humour
  • he listens to me
  • he seems interested in me
  • we have a huge amount in common
  • similar interests
  • I think he’s beautiful
  • I want to touch him
I could go on for hours!
OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed1982 · 02/04/2019 00:41

I will look into the therapy options. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:42

Therapist now.

Meandwinealone · 02/04/2019 00:43

I get that feeling you have. But honestly. You go down this road it will end in more pain than you could even begin to imagine.
Trust me

MsPavlichenko · 02/04/2019 00:44

Maybe you should priorise your family? If you are unhappy with your DH then far better for you all if you separate and let him get on with his life.

And the OM sounds like a chancer. At best.

Stargazer888 · 02/04/2019 00:45

You have no clue about the sex life...

It sounds to me like you are unhappy and scared to be alone. You'd leave your dh if B wanted you but otherwise you'll stay.

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