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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not warn DH it is my birthday this Friday!!

364 replies

Gradiva · 01/04/2019 22:05

This is my first ever thread!

Feels like the time to post here as I have a small dilemma and can’t ask friends in real life as they may warn him! I think DH (7 years together) has forgotten it is my Birthday this week. I always usually remind him or organise something because he is “always so busy” and I can usually tell a few days before it has slipped his mind. I remind him because I don’t want to have to see he has forgotten. As I have always reminded him I have never been able to prove if his has actually forgotten. He always claims to have known but I’m not sure. (Presents usually come after the day/as a promise to spend some money on me/ or flowers from Waitrose on way home etc!) I’m considering saying nothing. Becsuse how will he ever learn unless I let him forget? I won’t get angry at him, but I will show him I am disappointed Grin. Because it is just a bit disappointing. I don’t get (or expect) much on the day, unfortunately that’s how I’ve let us become, but I would like him to remember! He is crap at the small things (never bringing me cups or tea even though I always do for him and tell him how much it means to me, mothers’ days cards made at lunchtime after reminding etc) but I think they are important. AIBU to not remind him? He will accuse me of “setting him a trap”. I kind of am... but it might be a good lesson?!

I have friends whose husbands really go to town organising nice surprises. So AI-also-BU and shallow to wish I had a romantic thoughtful husband too or are some men just not that way and never will be?

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 03/04/2019 11:23

My husband is rubbish at remembering dates but has never forgotten my birthday. I hope you get the result you want OP but I think I would be marking up the calendar, telling the kids and throwing hints out left right and centre as I would be upset if he forgot and it's horrible to be upset on your birthday.

petalsinthegarden · 03/04/2019 13:38

I'd be upset if he forgot, and wouldn't want to be upset on my birthday.. so remind him!

Also, happy birthday for Friday. You share the same birthday as my mum!

curious86 · 03/04/2019 13:45

I understand how you feel, my DH remembers my birthday but just doesn't bother. This year he gave me £10 in the morning and told me to get myself a nice coffee.
As much as it sounds harsh I wouldn't remind him and then he nay realise what you do, but you also need to understand you can't change him if he's not a romantic person he probably never will be

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/04/2019 13:53

This isn't "Should I remind my husband of my birthday or should he remember by himself?".

It's; I want to play a game that makes me feel more in control because my marriage is horrendous and I don't want to accept that.

Feel free to distract yourself intercepting cards, hiding presents and thinking up passive-aggressive ways to make sure he eventually realised he fucked up without actually telling him.

You're not changing anything though. And if he's forgotten every year and your marriage is now in this state, I'd be somewhat surprised if he cares that he forgot.

curious86 · 03/04/2019 14:02

OMG, the more I read on here the more I can feel my blood boiling. I really think some people have missed the point and then targeted OP as having a shit marriage.
The way I've took it is OP wants more sentimental "happy birthday instead of just presents. I don't see a problem with that at all, I'm sure if she woke up and DH said happy birthday that would make her day.
I really do hope that happens and I do hope you have a great birthday

YoYoYumYum · 03/04/2019 14:12

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. If your friends' DHs are wonderful with birthdays, then good for them. I'm sure your DH is great in many ways that their husbands aren't.

Life's too short. Be grateful. Tell your DH about your birthday. Spell it out to him. Don't not remind him otherwise you could spend your birthday arguing. Remind yourself how brilliant it is to have your DH (even if he can be annoying!).

I remind my DP. I just haven't got the patience and cannot be arsed waiting to see if he's forgotten.

I hope you have a lovely birthday full of cake!

CostanzaG · 03/04/2019 14:16

Are we really counting remembering your spouses birthday as a strength??

Some people set their bar way too low.

YoYoYumYum · 03/04/2019 14:19

Re what Fucket said, is true but to a certain extent only. Teach your sons and daughters to be considerate (and one considerate thing, for example, is to remember your closest friends' and relatives' birthdays) but teaching your own kids on how to be a good person is completely separate, independent and different to 'teaching' your own DH.

FriarTuck · 03/04/2019 14:57

FriarTuck -- I think birthdays are a pretty well-known tradition in this country, and in fact the whole world.
And if you read Mumsnet you'd know that half the posters think they should be treated as royalty and half don't give a shiny sh*t about them and can't see the problem.

CostanzaG · 03/04/2019 14:59

And if you read Mumsnet you'd know that half the posters think they should be treated as royalty and half don't give a shiny sht about them and can't see the problem.*
And the reality is something in between .....people want to be acknowledged by their loved ones.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 03/04/2019 16:05

^I also have a brother who I just adore but have to remind him about our parents’ birthdays/Mothering Sunday etc. I suppose I am more forgiving of him (I was mean to him as a child so feel I owe him extra kindness now).

I also have little boys so I am aware there will be no one to remind them about getting mummy a card - err..except for mummy^

By doing this you are reinforcing their ineptitude and contributing to the next generations menfolk being as hapless/inconsiderate as your DH.

woolduvet · 03/04/2019 20:25

If you say it's a gift he'll say great, you've got a present and feel let off the hook (speaks from experience)

Meandwinealone · 03/04/2019 20:38

@YoYoYumYum
I think it’s quite clear from ops post that he isn’t great and she is unhappy generally. otherwise she wouldn’t be asking on here!

YoYoYumYum · 03/04/2019 21:04

@Meandwinealone
Herd mentality

Italiangreyhound · 03/04/2019 21:09

FriarTuck 'People aren't mind-readers, they're human.' All humans have a birthday and it seems a bit odd the OP's dh cannot remember hers. Or his own mother's. He doesn't need to be a mind reader to know their birthdays.

FriarTuck · 03/04/2019 21:25

He doesn't need to be a mind reader to know their birthdays.
No, but if you want a fuss making, or a particular gift, or to be taken out for dinner or whatever then actually communicate that fact to them instead of complaining afterwards that they got it wrong. It's pretty simple. Basic communication. If you're capable of expressing your displeasure afterwards then you're capable of being an adult before and saying what you'd like to happen. And to be honest, if you can't do that then you really shouldn't have got married in the first place.

BitOfANameChange · 03/04/2019 21:40

I left my ex for so many reasons, most related to his abusive nature.

Birthdays and Christmas I stopped expecting much as he never, ever did cards, and I'd get a last minute hurried present. If I got anything that is.

It wasn't forgetfulness, it was that He.Could.Not.Be.Bothered. It went with those other acts of not giving a toss, eg the lack of cups of tea, expecting me to be the one getting up with the kids when they were little, and so on.

I'd make drinks all the time, and he expected that I'd do it to the point of expecting a fucking medal if he actually made me one.

That information about the languages of love is fine as far as it goes, a bloke who doesn't do cards, presents, etc, will show love in other ways, if he's a decent bloke. But if the bloke is selfish, then none of those languages will fit.

Italiangreyhound · 03/04/2019 21:46

FriarTuck I don't disagree that making one's needs known is key. But I also think that people should be aware that their partner has needs without always having to spell it out. Remembering one's spouse's birthday is pretty basic, surely.

lily2403 · 03/04/2019 21:50

I can’t even imagine forgetting the person you love and live with birthday...it smacks of not giving a shit

Sweetbabycheezits · 03/04/2019 21:56

I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, yes, it would be nice if OPs husband remembered all on his own and did something thoughtful without being prompted, but some people just aren't that way inclined, but it doesn't mean they don't care at all.
I am also firmly in the camp where you make it known that birthdays are important and you want a bit of fuss/nice gift/meal out, etc.
My DH remembers the date of my birthday, but he panics with gifts...he feels like he isn't good at it. I always make gift suggestions, and I also tell him how I'd like to spend the day, and it always turns out lovely. My birthday is the only day I request a special fuss...not bothered about any other holiday, and we typically agree to only do chocolates or small things for Christmas so we can spend the majority on the dcs.

RoboticSealpup · 03/04/2019 21:57

My DH is very romantic, thoughtful and generous but he's not very good at buying presents so I normally tell him vaguely what kind of thing I want for my birthday/Christmas/mother's day and he selects something along those lines so it's still kind of a surprise.

whatwouldyoubelikeat28 · 03/04/2019 23:49

Why set yourself up to fail? Ask for what you want from the world.

Original poster
Gradiva · 04/04/2019 08:12

Well he is either planning a special surprise or really has no idea as has mentioned nothing. Clearly the date is just not in his head... even though it’s the end of the tax year and he joked early on he’d never forget it because of that.
I think (as some posters has inferred) that we have some big issues. This is not a woman with a great relationship trying to trip up her husband on something she knows he is rubbish at. It is a woman with many issues in her relationship looking for firm grievances to wave in the air at him. His “oh you know I’m rubbish at this or that” response is just not good enough. When I’m old and ill I want him to care. These “little things” are sorely missing from our relationship. He does lots or good things but I really want to feel special and to have some romantic gestures. He is demanding and sulky and I often feel like walking on eggshells and constantly struggling to please him and everyone and me last. I’m not reminding him but if he does remember today it will be because he sees the odd coloured envelope in the post or his mother tells him.
As mumsnet has taught me...I have a DH problem. I do need to raise my expectations. I have been an emotional doormat. I’ve allowed him to not need to do much by never complaining to avoid arguementw. I guess that’s what I mean about “training”. My self esteem has been low and my previous relationships unhealthy. But I want to change things - not to feel like a princess but to feel loved.
I’ve tried treating him how I want to be treated but after 6 years I have seen that achieves nothing.
Rant/ramble over.
Have a lovely day anyone that reads this and enjoy all that is good in your life!
P.s Footner looks very weird but effective, will definitely try it and the reviews suggest using it before the sandle season begins. Thanks for the tip xx

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 04/04/2019 08:34

OP, so basically you have a not-decent DH, pretty much as I'd suspected.

Quite frankly, if you're walking on eggshells around him, trying to please him, nothing you say or do is going to work. The reason you don't get those little signs of caring are because he isn't bothered.

If you're having multiple issues, take a good look at the relationship and decide if you want to stay with him.

This was always about more than just the birthday, I saw that from the start.

Disturbedone · 04/04/2019 09:27

I would organise a night out with the girls and tell him just that on Friday. If he asks why you're off out, tell him it's your birthday as you walk out the door 😘