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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think teacher and possibly school way out of line and WWYD?

339 replies

AstoundedandConfounded · 01/04/2019 10:57

Name changed in case I somehow out myself!

I was mistakenly sent an email by a teacher from DS's school, which said about me "Don't you just wish you could tell her to piss off. It's clear where DS gets it from."

Just to clarify DS is in 6th form and I've emailed the school 3 times in his 6 years, so I'm not an annoying helicopter mother.

I am not happy about any of this, to say the least. I've been in touch with the head, shared the email and said I want to discuss it and received an apology back.

I have a meeting set up for this Thursday and am struggling to know how best to handle it. The issue I originally emailed in about was handled so badly that I think that is still my priority but I'm really hacked off that teachers are bad mouthing me and my DS (who is a good pupil) in emails.

WWYD?

OP posts:
CosISaid · 01/04/2019 17:57

TBH, you yourself are probably better armed with knowledge on what to do here than most of us, but I appreciate that when it's your own child, it's an entirely different ball-game.

I think you should go in hard on this issue.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 18:01

The OP has said that they haven't followed their own procedures (I'm sure she's informed enough to be able to make that statement). I am guessing that her email was her already outlining the parts of the procedures they failed to follow. That the response of two senior members of the school was to bitch IN WRITING about wishing they could just tell her to piss off says a shit load about the school.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 18:02

This reply has been deleted

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Piggywaspushed · 01/04/2019 18:03

I very much doubt your CofE theories are correct... most teachers are pretty liberal in atttiudes.

These teachers will be shitting themselves... being nice is a good idea. You'll win them over and they'll be grateful. They are humans.

I once sent an email by accident to a colleague and it was about her. OOps.

Can I ask... when you email into the school, are you a bit passive aggressive, solicitor speak on them? That may seem a bit over bearing? I am not justifying their response but have you perhaps been a bit of a drain on their patience??

I'm with your DS on the skirts ! I have tried to fight this fight in my school and likewise been tagged 'opinionated'.

I think lots of us would like to know what the issue is that has been so doggedly pursued. But I understand you may not want to share.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 18:05

@Piggywaspushed If you read the OP's recent posts, the issue was the school not following their own procedure while her son was being bullied.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/04/2019 18:07

I get the feeling that not all your DS's teachers find his "justice warrior" as endearing as you do.

I also suspect that the other side to the bullying means that it may not be a clear cut as you like. (I am happy to change my mind if/more information appears).

That being said, you should put nothing in an email that you wouldn't say to someone's face. They are absolute muppets for doing this and should be reprimanded.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2019 18:07

The OP has said that they haven't followed their own procedures (I'm sure she's informed enough to be able to make that statement). I don't doubt it. That wasn't my point.

What OP does NOT know is WHY! That why might explain the shite attitude she has seen. They may have a completely different understanding of the bullying incident/s. Note I am NOT saying they are right, just that they may not see it as OP and her DS do. Once she knows if that is the case OP can then use that information to properly escalate the issue or, if she learns something neww, she can choose to take a different tack.

Knowledge is key!

Piggywaspushed · 01/04/2019 18:15

I missed a page out ... please ignore me if you feel you have answered the points!

Original poster
AstoundedandConfounded · 01/04/2019 18:45

I’m intrigued that some posters think my ‘opinionated ‘ DS must be the author of his own bullying. The bullying itself is all out there and there is no doubt about where responsibility lies and it definitely isn’t with my DS.

What I haven’t got to the bottom of is how the school so massively fucked up, for want of a better term, and that’s what the emails were about.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 01/04/2019 18:49

I just think this is really really poor from the Head of pastoral care.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 18:50

OP - It's MN innit!

Whenever I post about my confident dd I get told that she's probably a bully actually lol.

Mine is also one likely to probably be a pain in the arse - though like your DS, good reports, never going to join Mensa but doing well. She bores me to tears with her opinions on stuff, so no doubt she possibly bores some teachers to tears too. Don't take it personally. I usually avoid posting about dd on here because there are a lot of people who want to take a kick at you unless your child has autism or something.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2019 18:51

I hope that wasn't for me OP as that is NOT what I meant!

As soon as you included bullying in your post I did say I had changed my view and have been trying to help you best use the system to get a good result!

If you pin them to their policy then they won't have any wriggle room. You can then escalate the matter using the policy as your guide! But you MUST let them outline what it is they have been doing, give some explanation of why they have not followed it... or you won't have anything specific to nail them to!

Ask the questions, make notes, in front of them. Put them on their mettle and make them take you seriously. That the HoPC will already know she has fucked upo will just keep them on the back foot., or (if they really are arrogant) they will be on the attack - which would be more griste to your mill!

ifeellikeanidiot · 01/04/2019 18:51

It's perfectly possible for most of his teachers to like him most of the time, but still some to find him a bit annoying occasionally.

I'm guessing that the tone with which you wrote your original email is a bit of a match for ds's more annoying side. You should def post your original email, just so we can see Wink

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 18:58

Curious - you posted this:

They may have a completely different understanding of the bullying incident/s. Note I am NOT saying they are right, just that they may not see it as OP and her DS do.

What is that if not suggesting that her ds wasn't bullied?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2019 19:02

Oh please! It doesn't say that, I didn't think that when I wrote it. Even the bit you quoted, say that I wasn't saying they were right!

I said, quite clearly, that they, the school, may not understand the bullying incident/s as OP and her DS do. I also said, in the same post, that there may be other issues underlying it that OP does not know about.

OP has her understanding, the school have theirs. OPs needs to know what that is before she can get this sorted to her satisfaction!

Gone4Good · 01/04/2019 19:13

I'd be worried the teacher took it out on your son via his grades.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 19:19

I think it's clear the OP has an understanding as she has already stated that it's documented.
But keep banging on that the school didn't follow procedure because he wasn't actually bullied etc.
Just because he's a confident kid doesn't mean he's exempt from bullying - in fact, they are frequently targets!

Piggywaspushed · 01/04/2019 19:20

Neither of these teachers teach the child, so not likely! An unlikely thing to do anyway. Just because they send to each other an ill advised email, does not make them vengeful.

Piggywaspushed · 01/04/2019 19:21

Sorry, that was for gone !

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/04/2019 19:22

CosISaid

But keep banging on that the school didn't follow procedure because he wasn't actually bullied etc.

that hasn't been said what has been said is that it may not be as clear cut as the OP (or there posters) think.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 19:24

I totally agree with with others. I suspect they dont see the "bullying" as clear cut as the OP does. Dont go in all guns blazing, at least you have forewarning about what they are really thinking. You aren't going in blind

"You haven't followed your own bullying policy" isnt a great position to be going in on. Firstly if they dont view their policy as being applicable in the first place you have no discussion point, you need to know your point of appeal but be very careful because that it's the nuclear option. Secondly it isnt really a solution , Its punitive not resolution based. Punitive is going to be harder to sell unless the case is totally clear cut.

Go in prepared to listen. I suspect what you will here will not be to your liking. Separate what is your opinion, their opinion, and "facts". Only correct facts where you have evidence to do so. Highlight differences of opinion.

Be ready to end the conversation if it becomes clear there is going to be an achieveable solution that home and school agree with. Or you get upset. End the meeting be highlighting any points of agreement, aknowledging there "there are points we arent going to agree on" but i dont think were going to achieve any more at this meeting today. Lets go away and see how things go

Look at the bigger picture. Is this one incident in an otherwise positive school career or is it something you really should be going nuclear over now.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 19:25

The OP has said that it is clear-cut. The bullying happened. What didn't happen is the school following their policy and what did happen is two senior school members bitching about the OP and her son.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 19:30

The OP has stated The bullying itself is all out there and there is no doubt about where responsibility lies and it definitely isn’t with my DS.

Why you're all now suggesting that that is not the case is a bit of a mystery.

CosISaid · 01/04/2019 19:33

@GreenEggsHamandChips
If
A: my dd was bullied
B: the school didn't follow their anti-bullying policy
C: the involved people in the school emailed each other to say 'wouldn't you love to tell her to piss off - I can see where her dd gets it'

Then yes, I'd be going nuclear.

GreenEggsHamandChips · 01/04/2019 19:34

Does the OP have aknowledgement from the school that it was clear cut? Did the school investigate. Were there injuries?

The phrase bullying and clear cut are thrown about way too easily. It can be my child has told me this happened and this is clearly bullying. It can mean it was caught on CCTV and 3 other students confirmed it.