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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with the school mums

352 replies

tipsandtricks · 31/03/2019 10:55

Supposedly “naice” area, private school (which may or may not make a difference, I don’t know) and some of the mothers are just not nice people!

They gossip, they show off, they try to manipulate the teachers (and it works with some), they do not discipline their children, they are competitive to the point of making nasty remarks to 4 year olds if they have won a prize and their child hasn’t and they flout the school rules (hair length, uniform, no fighting) because they are paying so “what are they going to do?!” 😕

I don’t know what I was expecting but this is like a group of mean girls who have had children and still think they are in the playground.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 01/04/2019 07:46

Your grammar isn’t brilliant, your etiquette is non existent and you sound rather common

Where on earth did you get that from?

PhilODox · 01/04/2019 09:32

Well, there you have it- "common"

Really, what type of person uses that as an insult?

MindatWork · 01/04/2019 10:02

So based on your last update OP, some of these women have been making horrible remarks directly to you in the playground (or to each other?) that your DC have overheard and you’ve had to explain to them?

That sounds a bit more of an issue the the generic ‘they’re over-competitive and not very nice’ things you’ve said in previous posts.

The use of the word ‘disappointed’ is a bit odd as well - were you expecting better because it’s a private school?

Either way, they sound awful - Id just disengage from it, hide them all on Facebook and ignore.

outpinked · 01/04/2019 10:05

Nothing to do with private school, there’s parents like this in every school unfortunately. I highlight parents because it definitely isn’t only Mother’s.

I tend to avoid it all and get to school just as the bell is going. I have earwigged a few times and it tends to be a lot of vapid conversation that triggers major eye rolling.

MsTSwift · 01/04/2019 10:19

Can you not find the normal parents? There must be some

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:25

My kid is at private school it’s absolutely hilarious because I’m a single mum, alright car and house, no man in sight and I’ve heard they think I’m an escort to pay for it all 😂😂😂
Naturally I’ve started doing the school run in leather pants and a rod stewart T-shirt, alternating with my best Kat slater wrap dress but ffs

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:26

I suppose you do expect more from these people given they are mainly GPs, small business owners locally or high up in the public sector

BertrandRussell · 01/04/2019 10:26

“Can you not find the normal parents?”

Probably not, because—

“Unfortunately most school mums esp PTA are absolute vacuous horrors”
Grin

Filibustering · 01/04/2019 10:28

I suppose you do expect more from these people given they are mainly GPs, small business owners locally or high up in the public sector

Do you have some kind of magical sociological insight into the professional backgrounds of the OP's child's classmates' parents?

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:30

Filibustering - no I’ve just known them for nearly 15 years

Cloudly · 01/04/2019 10:31

I say stay away from them keep your distance and don’t let anyone rope you into joining any groups. I have seen it myself and I personally think some mums have too much time on their hands. Just go and do your thing and go about your day.

Inliverpool1 · 01/04/2019 10:32

Obviously taking about the parents at my sons private school which I strongly suspect would be the usual demographic

ZandathePanda · 01/04/2019 11:10

My kids were at a state primary in a more affluent area. They had the audacity to be bright which didn’t go down well with some of the mums. Some corkers I heard (most after the event cos I tended to chat to the much more easy going dads)....
Quoted about me:
I love it when you turn up because I am not the whitest in the playground.
You really should try putting some fake tan on. You’re so translucent.

And quoted about my kids AngryHmm:
They shouldn’t allow yours to do the harder exam (Level 6 sats) because it makes the other kids sad.
Your child shouldn’t be in the football team because they are the swotty ones. [This mum was best friends with the TA who chose her Dd over my Dd (who scored the goals in the trials) whereas the best friend’s Dd messed about.]
Your child cheated in the running race by running into mine (it was a straight line sprint. race which we all witnessed and saw no one run into anyone - this was for a third place sticker)!
Zanda’s Dd shouldn’t be Mary in the nativity because she doesn’t go to such-and-suchs dance lessons like my daughter (they were 6 years old and Mary didn’t need to dance).
Zanda’s Dd shouldn’t be Mary because she hasn’t got the right hair and we do more for the school.
(Sad face) can’t you go private for secondary?

Those are just a few I can remember. Bizarre. I perhaps should have retaliated but I just looked Confused at them. I did tell all to one of the teachers once and we had a giggle. She said choosing Mary each year was a nightmare but she was toughened to it now!

Mingmoo · 01/04/2019 17:48

My son went to a private school for two terms and I took him out because the other mothers were so unfriendly. The last straw for me was when one mother commented on how well a child had played rugby. The child's mother laughed. 'Him? You must be joking. You must be thinking of someone else. He's hopeless.' He was standing right beside her, and he was eight, and he looked as if his heart had broken. Totally toxic environment. Money is no substitute for manners or kindness.

moofolk · 01/04/2019 17:54

People who send their kids to private school think they are better than other people, or at least would like to believe they are better than other people.

That's why they don't want their kids to go to school with normal kids.

I would not be flabbergasted to find out that they are also not very nice in other ways.

LisaD76 · 01/04/2019 17:58

Well said jacks11, my dd is in a state school and you get good and bad with parents and pupils. Also I don’t think that the parents (not all are rich btw) who pay for private school are all going to be snobby entitled bitches. I did consider private school but thought (maybe mistakenly now) that seeing as I got a good education to secondary level it would be good enough for my dd, so we put our money in our house instead. It’s all about how you prioritise not necessarily about what you have.

MsTSwift · 01/04/2019 17:59

Every time I have intersected with groups of private school parents I am jolly glad I am not one of them. This is entirely anecdotal am sure some are nice

shibumimonkey · 01/04/2019 18:02

A lot of bursaries are gobbled up by the teachers kids too.
Generally a 75 percent discount is given to staff

moon2 · 01/04/2019 18:11

YANBU. There isn’t a stereotype to fit all if one is honest but in my experience, to a degree and I’ve heard it said many a time, that there is a growing pattern these days, at least in and around London of a lot of ‘new money’ for want of a better word attracted to private schools some of whom can be very entitled and more arrogant than some ‘old money’. Old money are expected and tend to live by a code of manners and if you’re lucky a sense of fairplay but then conversely there are some extremely decent and caring people with very polite and humble children and a lovely sense of community from council estates and in state schools and have made the loveliest and most loyal friends. Professionals in private schools tend to be less aggressive but not a rule. We’ve tried it all and I have to say it’s all swings and roundabouts and forking out a small fortune is never any guarantee that things will be as you like it. Others including teachers have said to me that children in private school tend to become more Independent workers and children in state schools tend to be better at teamwork. At the end of the day it’s a question perhaps of what is more important to you that each environment brings and how engaged your child is in making use of what it has to offer. As other posters have said each private school is different depending on its ethos, entry requirements and headmaster/ mistresses attitude and the people it attracts and so on. You might look at others and meet parents at summer fairs and events as well as open days to get a picture.

MmeBoulaye · 01/04/2019 18:15

There are some mums where I live who are just so selfish and infuriating, and devoid of friendly chat and personality, that I find I’m more in contact and see more of friends who live further away. Luckily when we started our child at private school, I found many warm and friendly mums (I’d expected the opposite!) whom I’m more friendly with and are really lovely. (Apart from one who is so ridiculously super-competitive and her boys are testerone-filled dickheads like the dad! That would be a different thread). I find it’s luck of the draw the mix of parents you get when you’re involved in school life and state or private doesn’t have much to do with it.

moon2 · 01/04/2019 18:17

On the bright side by secondary school you don’t see any parents and your kids can catch the coach home and then it won’t make any difference to you. They’ll hardly know who’s who either. It’s so much better.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 01/04/2019 18:19

I would not be flabbergasted to find out that they are also not very nice in other ways

Seriously this applied equally to state school parents.

Although the only person I heard describe someone as common was the mother of a boy who played football with ds, they were loaded, he went to a very expensive prep school and she couldn't cope when we played a match against a team from a rougher part of Basingstoke (apparently rough, I don't actually know the area well enough and saw this week that is something like the 7th most affluent town in the country, so maybe not so rough after all!) .

Actually she may have described them as "so rough" rather than "so common". But the sentiment was the same.

But generally speaking, any financially aspirational parents, whether at state or private school, are going to be a pain in the neck and best off avoiding.

shibumimonkey · 01/04/2019 18:19

My experience of private school is that its one big chumocracy .
There will be some nice ones there but you can spot the 'ambitious' ones a mile off. Awards at our school were mainly given out to the teachers kids and the PTA children. It was farcical and sad.
Our group of 'normal' mums would try to see the funny side but really it just isn't the right environment for some children/mums especially those with a moral compass. It will get even worse as the kids get older ...team selection / scholarships etc

CosyAsAToasty · 01/04/2019 18:27

Hunter wellies, highlights and Barbour jackets....meh.

RomanyQueen1 · 01/04/2019 18:42

I think there are nice and nasty people from all walks of life.
My experience was one of our dc was at a state primary, the parents were in general nice, but several were as you describe.

Then I have one in a private school, I haven't experienced any nasty parents, but a friend at the school has.