Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is taking advantage of our mum (childcare)

68 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:10

I moved down south away from my parents and sister for work. So fully accept that since my sister had children, my parents can help her with childcare and they can't help us due to distance.

My sister recently went back to work after her second maternity and I knew that my mum would be helping her out a little with childcare but I had a chat with her today over Skype and turns out that my mum is looking after her baby DD2 for 3 long days a week, 7.15am - 6pm. Her DD1 is in nursery for 3 days. I was shocked at this tbh, my mum is in her 70s and my dad isn't in the best of health.

I told my sister that she was asking a lot of my mum but she maintains "oh but mum loves doing it" "she loves the children" Hmm and says that i'm just jealous because we pay a fortune in nursery fees. Also her DD1 will be starting school in september and sis happily told me that mum will be helping with the school runs!

I really think my sis is taking advantage of my mum and want to have a chat with mum about it, i don't want my sister to start taking the piss. But not sure if its my place. AIBU?

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 30/03/2019 20:11

Sounds like jealousy to me.

Waveysnail · 30/03/2019 20:12

Not up to you. Its your parents choice

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2019 20:13

You could easily say 'oh dsis told me you're having dc for three days, are you sure you're able for that?'

Treezylover · 30/03/2019 20:14

Yes you are.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 30/03/2019 20:16

None of your business, and yes, you are jealous.

Xyzzzzz · 30/03/2019 20:17

It’s a tough one is your mum in poor health for her 70’s or is she quite active? It does seem like a long day to be fair for anyone to look after a child if not in nursery. But I guess it just depends on circumstances. If she dropped the kids off on her days off then that would be a piss take.

leafy22 · 30/03/2019 20:22

Stay out of it.

WarmCoffee · 30/03/2019 20:26

Jealousy. My mum is nearly in her 70s and her grandchildren are the light of her life and she loves looking after them. She said she’d do it five days a week if I needed her to. Stay out of it. If your mum starts to struggle I’m sure she’ll tell your sister. Seventies is hardly elderly is it?

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:28

Mum is in good health and i know she doesn't stick the kids in front of the tv all day, they are well looked after. I just feel like this is too much to ask of her and i hope my sis hasn't guilt tripped her into it. I worry for my dad, he has health problems but doesn't need constant care but essentially my mum is out of the house from 6am to 7pm because she goes to my sister's house to look after the baby.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 30/03/2019 20:29

I agree that a lot of people take the piss when it comes to parents doing childcare (and I think parents agree when their first grandchild is a baby and have forgotten how knackering toddlers and looking after more than one children is) .

I still think you should keep out of it. It's ultimately up to your mum to tell your sister if she isn't coping.

CalmdownJanet · 30/03/2019 20:33

We're in a similar position, I don't need childcare so definitely not jealous but my brother and his wife have my parents run into the ground using them for childcare and school runs and it makes me so angry, they should be enjoying their retirement but they have two users leeching off them. I have said it, they hate it too but feel trapped, so you have my sympathies op, it's hard to watch

GPatz · 30/03/2019 20:35

How is it jealously if it is geographicaly impossible for OP's DM to provide childcare? If anything, DSIS would have be likely to get less childcare if OP hadn't moved away because she may have likely divided childcare equally between her two DD's.

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:43

as I said I am not jealous I think it is great mum is helping her but I think my sister is taking the piss a bit with the amount of childcare she is requesting.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 30/03/2019 20:43

@GPatz

jealous of

  • DSis closer daily relationship with parents
  • DSis saving hundreds of pounds in child care costs
  • DSis probably having a fair proportions of her house work done as Dm is babysitting in DSis house

Its only recently that families don't collaborate to bring up children - frankly its a maker for how dysfunctional and distanced society has become

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:46

Oh my mum is definitely not doing the housework, she concentrates on the kids 100%

OP posts:
Middlrm · 30/03/2019 20:48

My mum has offered to have mine twice a week when I go back .... in fact she offered before I tried due to affordability... if your mum offers us it taking advantage in that way or taking advantage of a kind offer ? If you want to question it talk to your mum about how she feels

Hellywelly10 · 30/03/2019 20:50

Id stay out of it op.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 20:51

@planspeaking

Yes, I understand what OP could be jealous of, but in this situation, she's moved away and therefore it would not be possible for DM to apply childcare fairly and in knowing this, why is she jealous?

If OP lived near DM and DM did the above for DSIS, but not OP, I could understand a conclusion of jealousy.

Happilyacceptingcookies · 30/03/2019 20:51

I have the same situation with my brother and how wife asking too much of my mum when they had a baby. They wanted mum to see them as much as she saw me and my children (once a week). Mum got more and more tired, it affected her mood and her patience with my children. It took her having a car accident and writing her car off (on the way to brothers house) to accept that she was pushing too hard, having heard it from me so many times before that. And she is in her 60s, younger than your mum OP.

She is your mum is well as your sister's mum, if you think it is affecting her than I would speak up. If you're not jealous, you're not jealous!

Wolfiefan · 30/03/2019 20:51

Your parents are grown ups. They can say no if they don’t want to do it. None of your business.

jacks11 · 30/03/2019 21:05

Personally, I think this is between your mum and your sister. You're entitled to your feelings about what your mum is doing for your sister, but ultimately you get no say in what is right or wrong, or what is fair or unfair. Your mum will have to make the decision about she is and is not able to do for herself.

It does seem like a lot, but if she is willing and able to do it then she is free to do so if she wants. If she isn't able, or doesn't want to, she really has to be the one to make that decision and not you. If you start interfering, how do you think that will play out? Do you think it will all go swimmingly, or do you think it more likely to cause friction between you all? I'd bet on the latter, given that you've already raised it with your sister and she has already disagreed with you.

If you really must, perhaps ask your mum if she is happy with the situation. If she says she is, then leave it at that- even if you view things differently. If she confides she isn't happy, I'd encourage her to talk to your sister- but don't go in all guns blazing with your sister yourself.

WarmCoffee · 30/03/2019 22:02

@Happilyacceptingcookies

I have the same situation with my brother and how wife asking too much of my mum when they had a baby. They wanted mum to see them as much as she saw me and my children (once a week). Mum got more and more tired, it affected her mood and her patience with my children. It took her having a car accident and writing her car off (on the way to brothers house) to accept that she was pushing too hard, having heard it from me so many times before that.

Err, you come across awfully in this post. By “his wife”, do you mean your sister in law? Why is once a week “too much” to see their children, but not too often for her to see your children?

Why shouldn’t your mum see her sons children once a week, like she sees yours? They’re her grandchildren as much as your kids are. “It affected her mood and patience with my children.” So? Are your children more important than your mums other grandchildren somehow? Because they were born first maybe? If it was tiring her, why not see each set of grandchildren every fortnight, and alternate the weeks, so it’s fair? Once a week is hardly that much. Your poor brother....

WarmCoffee · 30/03/2019 22:09

@Happilyacceptingcookies having heard it from me so many times before that.

I can’t quite get over the gall of you going on at your mum that seeing your brothers child, her newborn grandchild, once a week is too much and “pushing too hard”, when she sees your own children that much... Your children are worthwhile, but your brother and his wife producing a grandchild was just taking it too far, eh?

starzig · 30/03/2019 22:10

Why don't you offer your sister money for childcare for dome of the time if you are overly concerned.

EdtheBear · 30/03/2019 22:14

Ok if the eldest is starting school, and is currently in nursery.
How long before the youngest is in nursery?

Your mum may well be considering this to be a short term thing before the little one is off her hands for part of the day too.

By all means ask your mum how she's coping with the days but if she says she's fine then butt out.