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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister is taking advantage of our mum (childcare)

68 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:10

I moved down south away from my parents and sister for work. So fully accept that since my sister had children, my parents can help her with childcare and they can't help us due to distance.

My sister recently went back to work after her second maternity and I knew that my mum would be helping her out a little with childcare but I had a chat with her today over Skype and turns out that my mum is looking after her baby DD2 for 3 long days a week, 7.15am - 6pm. Her DD1 is in nursery for 3 days. I was shocked at this tbh, my mum is in her 70s and my dad isn't in the best of health.

I told my sister that she was asking a lot of my mum but she maintains "oh but mum loves doing it" "she loves the children" and says that i'm just jealous because we pay a fortune in nursery fees. Also her DD1 will be starting school in september and sis happily told me that mum will be helping with the school runs!

I really think my sis is taking advantage of my mum and want to have a chat with mum about it, i don't want my sister to start taking the piss. But not sure if its my place. AIBU?

OP posts:

Tavannach · 31/03/2019 03:29

Just keep quietly checking that it's not getting too.much for your mum, and if it does I think let your sister know that your mum should go part-time. Not good for the kids to have an exhausted carer.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 31/03/2019 03:42

YABU. This is none of your business.

Your parents are adults; they would say no if they didn’t want to. As it happens they have repeatedly told you they are happy with the arrangement, so I’m not sure why you’re trying to insinuate anything else.

WarmthAndDepth · 31/03/2019 03:46

My mum is in her 70s. Fit and well. Lives nearby. Loves my 2 DC (8 and 5).
But I would never in a million years presume upon her time like your sister does. DP and I took huge cuts in hours and salaries and scraped by during the pre-school years, as it would have felt cheeky to actually expect her to perform an essential childcare service for us. She adores the DC and sees them loads, but in a social, hanging out capacity, when she feels like it.
Now school age, she does 2 hours of weekly childcare for me; one school drop off and one pick up, a short walking distance away. I am very aware of how lucky I am to have her close at hand, and of the awesome favour she is doing me. When my work recently required another early start, I booked breakfast club for the rest of the year, as I hate the idea of my mum ever feeling tied into an agreement on a morning when she'd rather be pottering around in the garden. She's had a lifetime of caring, commitments and being dependable. Now I want her to own every moment of her retirement and spend it as she pleases.
A pp suggested some families don't have any other choice but to rely on their parents for childcare. Surely, as a working parent, you consider your return to work as part of organising your work and finances before having kids?
What is needed is a complete overhaul and reform of childcare in this country, moving towards a northern European model.

Fridasrage · 31/03/2019 05:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2019 05:23

Its only recently that families don't collaborate to bring up children - frankly its a maker for how dysfunctional and distanced society has become

What do you mean by recently? I am old and when I grew up hardly any married women worked so no need for the grandparents to do the babysitting.

But yes, don't worry about your mum, OP. Us old people still have tongues in our heads and should, by this stage, have learnt to say no to unreasonable requests.

OwlBeThere · 31/03/2019 05:24

I think you are being highly patronising to your mother actually, she’s a grown woman with a brain of her own who has made a decision to do something.
It’s literally none of your business.

OwlBeThere · 31/03/2019 05:26

@WarmthandDepth....there is no ‘presuming’ from what OP has said. Her mother offered to help out.

Oct18mummy · 31/03/2019 05:54

My parents also help sister with childcare I think they offered and if it’s too much for them they need to say.

I get super annoyed as when my parents ask for favours there is tumbleweed from my sisters side! It goes both ways she should help them and if you are far away maybe she is helping them or not as in my case!

cloudymelonade · 31/03/2019 06:02

YABU. Your DM is an adult and I'd be willing to put money on her loving getting so much time with grandchildren. My DM would jump at the chance to do three days a week!

ThriftyMcThrifty · 31/03/2019 06:06

Your mum probably does like it, I’m sure it’s much better than sitting around. I live overseas and my mum pines for my kids. Luckily my cousins are more than happy to use her for free childcare, she has little kids round there two full days, does the school run three times a week, and has them for overnights. I don’t resent it at all, I’m glad my two cousins are there to fill her house with family, or I couldn’t cope with the guilt of living away.

MandyFl0ss · 31/03/2019 06:12

Sorry but you do sound jealous
Mind your own business and give your mother some credit for her capability to making her own decision without you telling her what is or isn't too much for her.

ghostpop · 31/03/2019 07:51

Hmm whilst is IS none of your business, I do think grandparents sometimes get overexcited and take on too much, 3 long days is a lot! I feel knackered looking after my own kids and I'm 35 . Then they are stuck in an awkward position where they feel guilty for cutting back or whatever. I think it's important for your sister to keep in tune with how they're coping and if they're struggling etc and make it easy for them to be honest.

jacks11 · 31/03/2019 10:18

some people on this thread are acting like healthy people in their 70s are poor helpless souls with no personal autonomy who need protecting from their own decisions.

I have to agree with this. OP's DM is, presumably, able to express her opinions and make decisions for herself and her ability to do so should be respected. It's a bit patronising to think we, or OP, know better than OPs mum does when it comes to what she is willing and able to do.

I do think it should go both ways though- OP's Sister should, when the time comes, help her parents out. Presumably she will have to do more than OP as she is local and OP is not.

From my own experience, my sibling was very jealous about the childcare my DM provided (they lived too far away for DM to do much fo them) but 100% happy that I shoulder all of the additional help my parents need. I actually don't mind as I'm happy to help my parents if and when they need it. BUT, the point is that they begrudge the help I was given but don't seem to bat an eyelid that I'm doing all the support for our parents. I also don't believe for a second that had our parents done more childcare for them that DB/SIL would have lifted so much as a finger.

Redwinestillfine · 31/03/2019 10:22

Your DM sounds lovely and I don't think it's taking advantage at all. Your DM and dsis are both adults, trust them to have had the conversations around what is too much etc.

cuppycakey · 31/03/2019 10:31

YABVU

It really isn't your business and you do sound jealous. There is no evidence that your mother finds this arrangement difficult.

I am wondering if she finds it difficult being at home with your father all day every day and getting away to your sisters three days a week is a blessed relief?

If you are worried, ask your mum if she finds it hard.

OKBobble · 31/03/2019 10:39

Your mother a fit healthy woman who still works freeland has offered and your sister accepted her help.

I suspect that same mother would be able to speak up for herself if it is wqs not working out.

It really is a underlying envy you have of your sister's postion of having free childcare, less hassle over childcare and potentially her kids having a closer relationship. You chose to move away presumably for good reason so I would concentrate on why you did that (to presumably better yoir life) than think about what might have been fornyou had you stayed local.

Fluffymullet · 31/03/2019 12:21

I think the replies on here are quite harsh. Neither parents help out with our kids due to distance and their health so I'm speaking objectively. I speak to grandparents at playgroups who look after their grandchildren and they all say how hard it is and it takes a lot out of them. Thats not to say they dont want to but certainly some feel obliged. There are also dynamics in some families where a childcare set up has been set up for the first grandchild and then it is expected that future grandchildren ( and future grandchildren of different children)will also have the same set up. This might not be possible due to age, health, logistics ( e.g car size) and that's where it gets complicated and the grandparents seem to not want to have the discussions with their children.

Happilyacceptingcookies · 31/03/2019 20:06

warmcoffee

Don't want to hijack this thread as I'm not the OP! But yes, you're right that what I have written sounds wrong. I forgot to write the conclusion, that I asked my mum if she wants to see my DCs once every fortnight instead of weekly, so that she is only driving to my house or DB's house every week. Interestingly he wasn't happy with that arrangement but it works for her, and I drive to her house with the DCs every other week so she can still see them every week. Hope that makes it clearer, I will read my posts to make sure they make sense in future!

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