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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is taking advantage of our mum (childcare)

68 replies

mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 20:10

I moved down south away from my parents and sister for work. So fully accept that since my sister had children, my parents can help her with childcare and they can't help us due to distance.

My sister recently went back to work after her second maternity and I knew that my mum would be helping her out a little with childcare but I had a chat with her today over Skype and turns out that my mum is looking after her baby DD2 for 3 long days a week, 7.15am - 6pm. Her DD1 is in nursery for 3 days. I was shocked at this tbh, my mum is in her 70s and my dad isn't in the best of health.

I told my sister that she was asking a lot of my mum but she maintains "oh but mum loves doing it" "she loves the children" Hmm and says that i'm just jealous because we pay a fortune in nursery fees. Also her DD1 will be starting school in september and sis happily told me that mum will be helping with the school runs!

I really think my sis is taking advantage of my mum and want to have a chat with mum about it, i don't want my sister to start taking the piss. But not sure if its my place. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 22:21

Why don't you offer your sister money for childcare for dome of the time if you are overly concerned.

I've heard it all now!! Pay my sister's childcare? I'm too busy paying for my own!

OP posts:
Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 22:22

Your mum may well be considering this to be a short term thing before the little one is off her hands for part of the day too.

Baby is signed up for nursery when he is 2.5. so another 18 months away.

OP posts:
OneDayillSleep · 30/03/2019 22:23

Deffo jealous. If you wanted to “take advantage” and get your share of the free childcare you should have stayed close by.

SpeedyBojangles · 30/03/2019 22:29

My mum does all my childcare, 3 days a week. Two DC in school and a baby. She is in her 50s though and not 70s!

EmperorBallpitine · 30/03/2019 22:32

Yes your sister is taking the piss. IMO it is selfish of people to use their parents as free regular childcare, with no real thought for the impact on their parents health longterm. Looking after toddlers is exhausting, my mum has had to look after my neice a lot recently (in different circumstances) and its really drained her. We are adults and we should be owning our shit not just letting our parents work on our behalf til they drop. It is nonsense that parents have always looked after grandchildren while their daughters worked. This has literally never happened. More likely the older child looked after the younger.
However.... Your mum is an adult and has made her choice. You can stay out of it or say what you think but you'll run the risk of seeming like its just sour grapes talking.

Caterina99 · 30/03/2019 22:32

Stay out of it OP, it’s none of your business and between your mum and sister

That said YANBU to think that’s a lot of work for your mum! I’m a sahm and I want to throw myself off a cliff sometimes by the time DH gets home.

Plus i do get it. We moved far away so no help from grandparents for us. I can’t (and don’t) complain cos of course it was our choice to move. I am jealous though of friends with helpful local grandparents - I can’t help it!

GeriGremlin · 30/03/2019 22:37

Yanbu op

If the grandparents were in their 40 or 50s then this would be no problem at all.

But everyone is retired in their 70s so therefore shouldn't be expected to work a very long day doing a very busy job of caring for a young child!

And away from her husband is also not right if he is unwell.

Did they not have retirement plans?

I am sad about this whole situation. Sad And I feel for you op. Keep in touch with your parents and make sure they are still happy with this scenario going forward.

donajimena · 30/03/2019 22:41

I don't think you sound jealous! I think they are taking the piss.

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 22:43

Sorry meant that baby my sister's DD2 is signed up for nursery when she is 2.5, not he.

My mum is not totally retired, she is freelance doing some light work a couple of mornings a week, she is amazing but also a workaholic. She likes to keep her hand in.

I know the baby DD2 is quite easy, my sister has said that herself and that her older child who is at nursery, is harder work, but still.

i do think she should be free to enjoy some time for herself but she is either with our dad, working, or at my sister's house.

As for someone asking if my sister drops the kids off on weekends etc, no to be fair they don't. I think they have had maybe one date night since the baby was born.

OP posts:
WarmCoffee · 30/03/2019 22:46

Really gross how some people on this thread are acting like healthy people in their 70s are poor helpless souls with no personal autonomy who need protecting from their own decisions. These grandparents may be really excited to look after their grandchildren a few days a week, and think it will bring them joy - thank god they’ve got some random Mumsnetters to tell them they’ll be too tired to look after a child and how sad the situation is...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/03/2019 22:47

I don’t think you sound jealous.
A friend said the same thing to me about her sister taking advantage of her mum for childcare...and my friend doesn’t even have children.
You’re entitled to be concerned about your mum taking on too much.

EmperorBallpitine · 30/03/2019 22:52

But @warmcoffee the dad is not healthy and the mum should be allowed to enjoy her retirement not be her adult child's workhorse. Just because people will do things for you, doesn't mean they should, or that its OK to take advantage of your parents goodwill.

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 22:52

Sorry to drip feed but I know that my mum volunteered childcare help to my sister. We were over when she was saying "I'm definitely going to help when you go back to work". I just didn't realise that it was going to be 3 long days, I thought it would be something like 2-3 mornings. I wonder if my mum realised what she was signing up for

OP posts:
Maryjoxk · 30/03/2019 22:53

I’d just ignore it OP. If you make an issue of it, it’ll reflect badly on you and make you appear jealous even if you’re not. It’s up to your mum and she’s obviously happy enough and if it works for her and your sister, what’s wrong with that? It takes a village!

Original poster
mistletoeandwine86 · 30/03/2019 22:54

And i know that my mum loves looking after them because she has told me so herself BUT again 3 long days??

OP posts:
GeriGremlin · 30/03/2019 22:56

Did they not have any retirement plans? Travel, hobbies etc.

Being restricted to a nanny job commitment is a huge taker of time.

plinkyblonk · 30/03/2019 22:56

Tbh I don't think some people have a choice when it comes to using family for help with childcare. Nurseries are ridiculously expensive, I'd have loved to put my LO into nursery but found with a circumstantial change in mine and DH job situation we had to use his mum to watch her.

I felt sooo guilty I ended up changing my hours to work nights 2 nights a week so my LO could go to playgroup so she only goes to granny's 1 half day a week.

The government should be supporting working families more Regards childcare so we can return to work without the added pressure financially or the guilt trip of using grandparents to help.

glasshalfsomething · 30/03/2019 23:07

Its only recently that families don't collaborate to bring up children - frankly its a maker for how dysfunctional and distanced society has become

What nonsense. Moving away from family has occurred for centuries, albeit not as common as now (but we have such a stronger travel capability now also). I'm pretty confident it's not at the root of a dysfunctional society!

MyNewBearTotoro · 30/03/2019 23:17

It sounds like you are underestimating/ patronising your mother and her ability to judge what she can and can’t cope with. Has she ever expressed anything to make you think 3 days with an easy baby is too much? 70 isn’t particularly elderly! My grandparents were still fostering babies who lived with them full time in their early 70s - that was 24/7 and they were perfectly capable.

It sounds like deep down you are jealous but instead of admitting it to yourself you are dressing it up as fake concern for your mother and her ability to cope, even though you admit yourself she’s someone who enjoys work and keeping busy and volunteered to have the baby herself.

Purpleartichoke · 30/03/2019 23:18

They are taking advantage. Only your mother can put a stop to it though. 3 full days a week is ridiculous. She deserves to enjoy her retirement.

WarmCoffee · 30/03/2019 23:24

@EmperorBallpitine But @warmcoffee the dad is not healthy and the mum should be allowed to enjoy her retirement not be her adult child's workhorse.

I know I can only talk from my own experience, but there is literally nothing my mum enjoys more than looking after her grandchildren. I think it’s pretty common for grandparents to enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. Saying “the mum should be able to enjoy her retirement” is so, so patronising. If she wasn’t enjoying it, a. she wouldn’t have offered with the second one having done it with the first one and b. she could say it HERSELF, because she’s a grown woman.

If you said to my mum (or my MIL in fact!) that they shouldn’t look after my child while I’m at work because they should “enjoy their retirement” and “not be a workhorse” they’d absolutely laugh you out the room.

The fact is, OPs mum is an adult with her own voice, so is the sister, and OP doesn’t need to be involved. If she was 85, maybe, but she’s in her 70s! Do you know any women in their 70s? So patronising.

PregnantSea · 31/03/2019 00:25

Sorry but you do sound very jealous. Unless your mum is suffering from dementia and isn't able to make decisions for herself then stay out of it.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 31/03/2019 02:20

My exdp’s mum had ds 3 days one week and two days the other. My mum then Done the opposite. So we had childcare 5 days a week. Come the weekends BOTH of them were always asking could he sleep down and they would take him out the following day. They were in their late 60’s and early 70’s. Honestly it gave them a second wind. They loved it. So maybe your mum has offered because she wants too, because she enjoys it, because it makes her happy. We were always worried about it being too much, but always had a stern talking to whenever we mentioned it. They were both upset when he started nursery then school, as they seen him less often.

Don’t project your feeling into it.

maddening · 31/03/2019 02:30

With your ddad in Ill health I am sure that your dsis will shoulder more of any help with your parents being the one that has stayed local, - swings and roundabouts etc

Cecedrake8989 · 31/03/2019 03:09

I don't think it sounds like a problem. It's only three days a week and if your mum didnt want to she would presumably not have agreed to it? I wouldn't get involved