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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

422 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 30/03/2019 08:35

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

OP posts:
Choccymmm · 30/03/2019 11:03

NO

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/03/2019 11:03

If she knows about the abuse and hasn't reported him and left him, I wouldn't trust her judgement on anything and she would be nowhere near my child

This

You might be the nicest person in the world but the company you keep will always be a factor in how people see you

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 30/03/2019 11:04

You need to message her and tell her exactly that.
You don't trust her with your DD, she protected and enabled a child abuser and has put her financial comfort above the safety and mental well being of her own daughter. You will still visit for your grandad's sake but if she ever mentions sleepovers again you won't and NC starts now.

She needs to hear the truth without the option of interrupting with suicide and heart episodes bullshit.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, I'm even sorrier about your mother's reaction to it and her behaviour. For me that was harder to deal with than the actual abuse I suffered as a child.Thanks

Loolol64 · 30/03/2019 11:05

No way!

Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 11:06

What a terrible situation. I actually can't believe you'd even give her the time of day but that's your decision. You really need to start being honest as to why the kids can't stay with her, or even be alone anywhere with her. If you tell her straight out that it is because she chose to support that monster over her own daughter then it's on her - it's her fault. You have nothing to be guilty about. Saying you are busy etc is just pandering to her. Why then hell are you trying to spare her feelings, when she has thought nothing of yours? I hope you have had counselling if you are involved in survivor groups - please draw on this support and go NC with your mother. Do you really think your kids will respect you for allowing her to have any influence in their lives once they learn about the abuse in years to come? If you feel you cannot go NC for yourself, then do it for your children. They do not need her in their lives at all. Focus on the people who love and respect you and Dh, be that his family or good friends. Let these be the people who influence your children's lives. Well done for getting this far - send the email and go to the police and let this be the start of a new chapter in your life where you are in control - not that sick bastard and not your mother.

wrongnamechange · 30/03/2019 11:07

Definitely not! And six year olds don’t need to go to sleepovers

BeautyWasTheBeast · 30/03/2019 11:18

No way in hell would my DD even be meeting this women nevermind staying alone overnight with her.
She knows what he did to you and she has done nothing about it. I wouldn't trust her not to facetime with him at bathtime, or take pictures of your DD.

Bangingdoors · 30/03/2019 11:19

Op I don't have the adequate words to tell you how sorry I am for what that man and your mother did to you. Don't doubt yourself, cut contact and know that whatever happens to your mother is not your fault. However what happened to you is partly her fault, she didn't keep you safe and just as bad has chose to stay with that horrible disgusting creature and wanted to make him a grand father to your children.
Don't swallow the financial story, nothing would keep any decent person with a paedophile let alone the mother of the victim. She's a self serving individual who doesn't deserve your family in her life.

Dragongirl10 · 30/03/2019 11:25

This reply has been deleted

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NecklessMumster · 30/03/2019 11:25

If it all hinges on keeping quiet for now because of not wanting to upset your grandad who is ill, well he is probably aware things aren't right and he is an adult and he will want to protect your DD so maybe let him know as at the moment you are having to collude by keeping quiet and you shouldn't have to.

Margot33 · 30/03/2019 11:26

I cannot believe you're actually asking this question? ! No. Are you honestly more concerned with hurting someone's feelings than protecting your child??!!! Say no thanks.

CarolDanvers · 30/03/2019 11:27

If you can’t be bothered to read the whole thread Dragon why not make it rule to at least read the two posts previous to yours just to get a tiny inclination that the thread may have more to it than the OP.

Letterkennie · 30/03/2019 11:28

Even if your stepdad was dead and buried, she shouldn’t be allowed near you or your children. She stayed with him for financial reasons? That’s astounding. What a Class A horror she is.

BadPennyNoBiscuit · 30/03/2019 11:28

I am in this position and I went NC with 'the wife'.

If the wife kicks off and upsets the Grandad then its just hard evidence that she is an accomplice who is prepared to harm a sick man to get what she wants.

notacooldad · 30/03/2019 11:28

Not a chance!

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2019 11:29

Op, I'm so sorry about what happened to you and what rhe adults who were supposed to care for you did to you or allowed to let happen to uou.

You of course are right, your child can never ever be near this man, and no your mother won't protect them, she will still protect herself and her own interests.

I really hope you find the Strenght to go no contact with her. Any woman who can stay with a man who sexually abused her child is a monster.

Letterkennie · 30/03/2019 11:29

And I can hardly express how very sad and sorry I am that she let this happen to you. This was HER fault and she’s damaged you to the point that you’re questioning yourself. OP I hope you find happiness. I’d cut her off in a heartbeat.

blueskiesovertheforest · 30/03/2019 11:30

What on earth is going on in an adults head when they "ask to have" a 6 year old they've never met overnight?

I don't mean she's intending abuse at all, but that people who make requests like that must see children as toys or commodities.

Even without any safeguarding concerns, you don't loan children out for relatives' amusement.

ohfourfoxache · 30/03/2019 11:31

Oi - some people on here need to back the fuck off. Op doesn’t need this shit, she needs support.

Sometimes when you’re so conditioned into a way of thinking, you need outsiders to point out even the most obvious things.

So let’s just try to be a bit supportive and lay off on the nastiness yeah?

DialANumber · 30/03/2019 11:42

I so sorry to read your further posts OP.

You have done brilliantly. Dig deep and know you're right and that your instincts are correct. They will guide you.

Itssosunny · 30/03/2019 11:44

My mum if she wanted to see her GC would never say to me give me your children but you can't stay. Considering your SD is a paedophile and your mum is still with him there's a reason why she doesn't want you to come along.

happytobemrsg · 30/03/2019 11:45

Of course not

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/03/2019 11:48

took all my strength to say well MIL is single and not married to a peadophile

That's simply all you need to say. I doubt you will get over any of this if your mother is still in your life in any capacity. A real mother would live homeless in a cardboard box with nothing rather than stay with the man that abused her daughter. She is equally as guilty as him in my eyes. You must be very strong to have come this far.

happytobemrsg · 30/03/2019 11:51

Now I’ve seen your updates OP, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through Flowers

anniehm · 30/03/2019 11:54

Gut reaction is no, but real life is full of grey areas and nuances. Paedophilia also is a broad term eg a 24 year old man who has consensually had a relationship with a mature looking 14 year old who lied about their age is in the same category as a 40 year old who likes 6 year olds!

If the accused person isn't going to be there and there will be another trusted adult at all times it will be safe but a conversation needs to be had with the wife because she is guilty by association