Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

[GunpowderGelatine]

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

You mother was complicit in your abuse and she is still abusing you by refusing to acknowledge what was done to you and her part in it all.

I am sorry, I hope you find the strength to get away from both of them.

Not a fucking chance.

Are you asking for attention op as this is such a strange question to ask?

@Dragongirl10 yes I love the attention that comes with sharing my story of abuse

Thanks for all the responses, I may move this to relationships it's where I usually post about this. I'm off to meet her now in town, I'll get her away from my grandad and the kids somehow and tell her what I wanted to say last night. She can't expect no consequences to her decisions. And at least when I drop the NC bombshell she's had some sort of pre-cursor to it happening

And I don't see why you need a reason... I would think your the worst mother if you willingly exposed your child like this. I'm actually very angry with this post.

I’m not a fan of sleepovers full stop. I had one as a child and the dad of the child was jailed for abusing boys years later. Nothing happened to me but it made me very wary.

This is so horrible for you. I can't imagine the betrayal you must feel from your mother by her staying with this man. She failed you so much. You are absolutely doing the right thing by going NC. She does not deserve you or her GC. I'm so very sorry for you

By choosing to be with this man, she supports him. He is a paedophile and therefore, in my eyes she's supporting paedophilia.
Never let this woman be alone with your child

I've already had to arrange childcare for DS (2) paying money to put him in nursery when he's usually off because my mum blurted out that she'd take DD to see Dumbo on Monday "just then two". I said then no I'll come too, DS is like a zoo monkey and wouldn't last 14 seconds in the cinema and DH is working so I've had no choice if I want to go along (there is no way in hell shes going to the cinema alone with my mum).

Sorry about what you’ve been through OP, I think that’s all the more reason for not letting your LO stay with her. She supports this man regardless of what happened to you and that isn’t the kind of person I’d want my child to be around.

Good luck today OP. Say your piece and move on. Don't expect a breakthrough or a heartfelt apology, it's more likely she'll bring on the waterworks and try to guilt trip you. Don't give into that. You are the victim,you are in the right. She's the one excusing,protecting and enabling a child abuser,even when it is her own child.

Fuck no.
Hell no.
Absolutely no.

No no no no no no no no.
Never ever EvER in a million fucking years.

I would also stop contact with the wife. There are consequences to staying with a paedophile. No way would I EVER expose my child into that scenerio.

Gun there’s absolutely NO reason for her to go to the cinema AT ALL with that woman.

If you’re going NC anyway, all this time together will only confuse your dd.

Walk away today, send your email, and let that be that.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through OP, and your mother’s ongoing refusal to take it seriously.

No way no how would my child be spending time alone with her or anyone else minimising paedophilia.

I know she’s your Mum regardless of anything else and her histrionics make confrontation difficult, but in the cinema situation I’d have gone grey rock and said no, that isn’t possible. Don’t feel you have to change plans at your expense or elaborate. Tough luck for her if she’d already made arrangements - she made her choice in full knowledge of the facts, these are the consequences.

Please keep in mind that you too are a person worth more respect and care than she gives. You owe her nothing.

I’m so proud of you OP. You’ve shown amazing strength in being able to break ties with this filthy bastard and now you are gaining strength in order to go no contact with your other abuser. Your mother IS abusing you, by minimising what he has done, manipulating you with her ‘healthscares’ and trying to manipulate your child. They are both abusers.

I can't begin to understand the moral code of anyone who sleeps and nurtures a paedophile so it would be a definite no.I recall as a child that there were the dodgy uncles and still wonder why my parents allowed them access to us.Times have changed and your child may one day ask you why they were allowed anywhere near these people.

Why are you even going to the cinema with her? I can't understand you. She knows about the abuse, behaves like nothing had happened, still with him and insisting on having your DD with her without you. Don't you understand that she is planning something? Just say, no to the meetings and go to the police. Your GR is going to fine. Right now he could be abusing another little girl and your mum is into something. Either he is going to be there as well or she would try to make some pictures.

Sorry but no, don’t risk it.

She is likely not a paedophile but if she is married to one she is likely abused by this man; and he may manipulate the direction to gain access to your daughter.

Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

@Gunpowder I think moving this to Relationships would definitely be best if @MNHQ can do that. At least there you might get fewer judgy pants who can’t be bothered to RTFT.

Personally I would cancel the cinema too. As you’re quite rightly going to put your foot down to protect your dd, it’s going to muddy the waters if you let your mother spend more time with dd than absolutely necessary.

READ THE OP’S COMMENTS PEOPLE! FFS!

I think the OP is being given an unnecessarily hard time on here.

It’s very easy to sit on the sidelines and state that no way would you have anything to do with someone who knowingly stayed with a child abuser etc etc, but when that abuse happened to you as a child within the family who are supposedly meant to protect you from such things it can be very difficult to separate the one from the other. That is evidenced by the fact that even the victims of the most horrendous child abuse who are removed from their families still retain feelings of loyalty towards them.

OP has come a long way by even being able to admit that the abuse happened to her and confronting her mother over it. It’s a long journey to undertake even from there.

I can't understand you

I can understand why you don't understand me. It's not normal to have a family dynamic like this. But I think unless you've been through it or understand the overwhelming powers of those who abuse and those who enable abusers, it is hard to see why situations like this develop. It's never black and white

Please don't mention that you intend to tell the police!
Don't give him any warning or chance to make excuses

Good luck OP.

Op, I remember you

Trust yourself. Tell her that after you meet with her today you are going NC.

All these games she has you play (the cinema, the constant chaperoning, her emotional blackmail of you etc) will all stop in one fell swoop. Imagine the weight off your shoulders!

Keep pushing on with your RL support to make this monster face the consequences of his actions.

Good luck