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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you let your child sleep over at this persons house? [Trigger warning added by MNHQ: mentions of child abuse]

422 replies

GunpowderGelatine · 30/03/2019 08:35

Say you have a very close family member who is knowingly married to a peadophile. He has never been arrested, charged or convicted but only because his victim has never gone to the police, but the wife is aware of the accusations and you are 100% certain they're true.

Say your DD (6) has purposefully never met this man for this reason, but the wife visits from time to time but she has never looked after your DD alone.

If the wife - who again is very closely related to you - of the accused paedophile asked if she could have your DD overnight where she's staying nearby, what would you say? You don't suspect this woman of abuse yourself and and she is staying at another family members nearby, which is where the sleepover would happen? And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

I ask because I am in this situation and without giving details (though I've posted before about this man) I need to know if I'm making the right decision in what I've decided about the sleepover

OP posts:
ElektraUnchained · 30/03/2019 09:40

Flowers OP.

You have been so strong and will continue to be.

CoraPirbright · 30/03/2019 09:42

No way. Even if she assures you that her husband will not be there, I would bet a pound to a penny that the arrangements will change and he will appear.

youknowmedontyou · 30/03/2019 09:43

Goodness are you me? Same situation and (children now adults) I said NO!

nevernotstruggling · 30/03/2019 09:45

No. And that wife wouldn't be in my life either. Or anyone who is pushy about contact.

I have a dd who is 6. She is looked after by 5 people ever which includes her parents. I don't let other people have her just to please them.

Mememeplease · 30/03/2019 09:46

took all my strength to say well MIL is single and not married to a peadophile.
Then that's what you say. Because actually that's the crux of the matter.

It's just a natural consequence of her actions. Don't feel guilty at speaking a truth.

I should imagine that there hasn't been much urgency going to the police if he's been living abroad for so long. Maybe that's why they moved abroad in the first place. Maybe you could report it over there. Just in case there are other reports and they can join the dots?

museumum · 30/03/2019 09:50

No. You 100% cannot trust her judgement on anything now due to her decision to stay with him. She is showing every day that she makes bad decisions.

Waterfallgirl · 30/03/2019 09:50

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Your DM has let you down and is trying to manipulate you as she knows she has enabled this man all your life. The whispering in your DD ear makes me think she knows your DD is at an age where she can be manipulated too. Very calculating . You are at a place where you are ready to report this man. Do it please.Go NC with your DM. Then you are free of both of them Flowers.

polarpig · 30/03/2019 09:53

Surely you don't need to ask? Nobody in their right mind would have any doubt about refusing immediately.

Orangeday · 30/03/2019 09:53

I’m sorry your mother didn’t protect you as she should have. You are doing the right thing. You sound like a very good mum and granddaughter.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 30/03/2019 09:57

You're doing amazingly Gunpowder Flowers Your DD has the mum now that you needed back then. Sadly, the thing that cared for you isn't a mum.

Zoflorabore · 30/03/2019 09:59

I'm sorry but what on earth possessed you to even ask the question??

As soon as I read the word paedophile that was enough to make the decision.

Harebel · 30/03/2019 10:00

OP you poor thing for what you've been through, your story is very similar to mine and I've cut contact with my mums husband who abused me. To this day my mum cannot discuss it as she cannot face the truth or reality and she's still with him "saving face". I cannot even explain to my other siblings why I don't visit. It's been really tough.

All power to you to stay strong for your DD and yourself. She's your child and you don't have to explain to your mum or give into manipulation why your daughter will not be staying over with her EVER. Thanks

Zoflorabore · 30/03/2019 10:00

So sorry op I hadn't read the full thread Flowers

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/03/2019 10:01

Hell no!

Could you live with yourself if anything happened??

VerbenaGirl · 30/03/2019 10:04

No. No. No. If she knows this and stays with him, she is complicit. You can not risk your child’s safety.

CharminglyGawky · 30/03/2019 10:07

Stick to your guns OP you are protecting your child and doing a good job of it!

I'd want to say - No, you failed to protect me and you won't even admit it so why would I ever trust you with DD?

ohfourfoxache · 30/03/2019 10:09

Holy shit Sad

I remember you. Stay strong, you can do this.

When is she leaving again?

juneau · 30/03/2019 10:10

Please say to her what you wanted to last night, but couldn't because others would overhear. Please keep your DD safe and never let her go to this woman on her own. And please send that email you've been drafting once she's left again. She is an utterly toxic individual and you've tried and tried to get her to listen. She has chosen him and his abuse (and his money), over doing the right thing by you, her DD. She does not deserve to be in your life or that of your DC. And you're right, whatever she does (or pretends to do) after she receives that email is not your fault. It's her own, 100%.

Moondancer73 · 30/03/2019 10:11

Not only would I never let the child sleep over, or be anywhere near these people I'd be reporting this man to the police. Why aren't you doing that?

KathyS901 · 30/03/2019 10:12

UGH! 100 x NO! She shouldn't even be allowed to see your daughter - she is essentially condoning the behaviour of her disgusting paedophile husband. And you seeing her and having her in your daughter's life is just shocking!!! If she can happily be married to a paedoohile how can you be sure about her at all? I'm absolutely horrified by this. If anyone I knew was married to or even associating with a paedoohile that would be the last I'd see them, and they would NEVER see my children. Please be more responsible!!! How could you even consider this?!!!

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2019 10:15

@Moondancer73

Did you read the OP's updates? She has explained why and what she is going to do.

KathyS901 · 30/03/2019 10:15

God I've just read your other posts - absolutely horrific. For the sake of your daughter and for your stepdads potential other victims, please cut your mother out of your life and report him to the police.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2019 10:16

@KathyS901

Please be more responsible!!! How could you even consider this?!!!

She hasn't. Please read her updates. Perhaps with a little more empathy for what she has been through.

Playtive · 30/03/2019 10:20

So sorry to hear what that monster put you through OP Flowers

Stand firm with your mother, how she choses to behave after you tell her is not your fault nor your problem. It’s time to put yourself first because she certainly doesn’t. She should be ashamed of herself staying married to that despicable excuse of a human.

You sound like a wonderful mother - I’d send that email and focus on your own family. Xx

NunoGoncalves · 30/03/2019 10:20

Is this the simplest WWYD ever?

I would say no.

And, wether your answer is yes or no, what is the reason?

Er... because she's married to a paedophile???

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