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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:22

I would hate this.

Why can't two childless adults tidy after themselves as they go along?

If they had children it might make sense.

BambooB · 29/03/2019 20:23

This is lovely 😍

Mummyshark2018 · 29/03/2019 20:23

I would love it personally! But agree with others that it depends on your relationship and how they would view the offer. If the offer came from nowhere I might be offended (does she think our house is dirty?), but as they've talked about getting a cleaner then it might be ok. However, do you really want to spend your time cleaning someone else's house for free though? What do you have to gain? Sounds like they can afford a cleaner either way.

mumwon · 29/03/2019 20:23

as per previous subject - state you wont clean the bedrooms (ie not invade private space) or re organise cupboards (unless requested!)

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 20:23

Why can't two childless adults tidy after themselves as they go along?

Hmm

Because life is busy and keeping tidy doesn’t mean your floors get cleaned.

OrangeCinnamon · 29/03/2019 20:24

But yes ...Can you be my mum ...mine is rubbish. I do have a lovely MIL though

iloveyorkshirepuds · 29/03/2019 20:24

Yanbu
What a lovely mum you are!

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:25

People saying it's different if it's your morher and not your mil... She IS the dh's mother in law.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:26

Because life is busy and keeping tidy doesn’t mean your floors get cleaned.

Yes, it does for normal people.

sleepylittlebunnies · 29/03/2019 20:26

This sort of help is also quite usual in my social circle too. I suppose we are working class so nobody has much money to spare so families help each other out by doing. I don’t personally know anyone who uses a cleaner or a laundry service.

My parents and PIL did part time childcare when DC were little, still cover a couple of hours early morning once a week when we have shifts that overlap. They do a meal and wash the dishes, fold laundry etc. My mum enjoys ironing so did all our ironing pre DC until youngest started school, will do clothes mending and alterations. DPIL have helped with decorating and gardening. They all helped a bit when DC were born. DMum stocked our freezer with home cooked food. DSIS stayed for a week to help out when DC2 was born. They will all check on the house when we are on holiday and DMum will do a clean, take washing home and stock the fridge with essentials for our return.

If any of them were bored enough to offer to do our cleaning then we wouldn’t take offence and would be happy with the help. None of them are judgemental or nosey and apparently are not that bored.

It is also very normal in our social circle to look after elderly parents and relatives. Either with similar help shopping, cleaning, cooking or with personal care like bathing and dressing. It’s just an accepted norm to take on the care.

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 20:27

Yes, it does for normal people.

It really doesn’t. Do you know what else people have in their lives? I haven’t had one evening at home since Monday. Just because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean no responsibility or busy times.

MattMagnolia · 29/03/2019 20:28

My Dm does this for my sister as they’re both working full time, have young kids and their house is a tip. I’m too far away to help. Dm says she rarely gets thanked and doubts they even notice she’s been there.
It’s great that families help each other but not take the help for granted.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:29

I think it's terribly sad that you have this time to do anything you want and youre going to use it to clean up your son in law's miss fires in the toilet.

If your daughter was 17 and in school fulltime people would say you need to cut the cord and let her be an adult.

She and dh can clean their own home.

Learn a language. Join a club, learn to salsa. Join tinder.

Don't clean their house

Cookit · 29/03/2019 20:29

OK I would find it very weird if my Mum or MIL wanted to do this.

I feel like as an adult it’s my responsibility to clean or to get a cleaner. Having my Mum or MIL as a cleaner would be weird. I also wouldn’t like at all the idea of my Mum or MIL alone in my house that much, tidying away bills and documents and putting away my underwear and things.

SilverySurfer · 29/03/2019 20:29

I agree with PrinceOfPies - how much housework can there be with two adults who are out of the house all day? An hour each over the weekend and the job's done.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:31

Well if you havent been home purple your house shouldn't be dirty, should it.

Two adults can tidy a home on their own.

saraclara · 29/03/2019 20:32

I'd hate it. But I think this is a hugely individual thing, based on the relationship and the personalities. I like my privacy, and my mum iw the last person I'd want in my house rummaging around.

But - if you said to you daughter "you two have so little down time together. Is there anything I can do to help you with the tedious chores?
You're welcome to give me your ironing to do, for instance. I have all the time in the world, and you're so busy" I'm sure she'd be delighted. And you can go from there to find out what would help them most.

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 20:32

Well if you havent been home purple your house shouldn't be dirty, should it.

Of course. Neither of us use the bathroom, the kitchen, walk through the house, slept in the bed, use any cutlery, wear any clothes...,

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 29/03/2019 20:33

You sound lovely OP, BUT I think parents doing this for their adult DC (with the exception of DCs witth illnesses or other additional needs or pregnancy etc.) really cringey and a bit of an indictment on modern parenting to be honest. You said yourself that you worked and still managed to chores etc. so why are DD and her DH not capable of doing the same? Our jobs are to raise functioning adults who can deal with life. Working and house work are part of life, unless you have ££££ or are a member of the RF.

I know a woman who does similar for her DD and son in law, tthey have a baby and the DD just cannot cope with any normal activity, because she's never had to. She's always asking her DPs to sort everything and it's like her, the husband and the child are her parents children, but playing at being grown ups. It's very odd.

OhTheRoses · 29/03/2019 20:36

If my mum offered to do this it would be proof there were unicorns and mermaids. I did once ask her to help when I was ill and the dc were small but she had a hairdresser's apt the next day.

TBF she taught me to expect to subcontract cleaning. If your dd says no op and you really love cleaning £12ph for three hours twice a week if you have a KT postcode?

hen10 · 29/03/2019 20:39

My parents do this for us and we are extremely grateful. We have two DCs, 17 and 15 and we are both out of the house 7-6.30 every day. It frees up our weekend to do stuff other than housework - they clean up, do the washing and sort out the garden in the summer. I make sure there's no underwear to wash (yuk), and they put the clean clothes on the bed, rather than back in the drawers. We've had a few issues when they have expressed exasperation at our untidiness, but we're talked it out and they come voluntarily to help us out. I hope I can do the same for my children when they are older. We come from a working class background and my dad's mum used to do the same for them when I was little and my grandparents looked after us when they were all at work.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:40

Of course. Neither of us use the bathroom, the kitchen, walk through the house, slept in the bed, use any cutlery, wear any clothe

So you were home? If between two adults you can't clean up after yourselves.and run a load of washing that doesn't mean you need another woman to give her free labour. It means you need to act like big kids now. My kids manage it.

Iflyaway · 29/03/2019 20:41

God no!

Find a new passion, take up a hobby, get a life!!

I would be mortified if my mother came in to clean my house, never mind having to make sure my house is "respectable" for outsiders before leaving for work.

If I leave a bunch of papers or clothes strewn around I want them to be there when I come home.

I would be even more embarrassed if it was a MIL.

I would also wonder what the "pay-back" would be down the line. Have her move in with us eventually when needing care?

As my dad used to say "There is no free lunch".

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 20:42

So you were home? If between two adults you can't clean up after yourselves.and run a load of washing that doesn't mean you need another woman to give her free labour.

Read my posts. I never said the op should do this. I said I’d hate my mil/mum to clean for me. I pay a cleaner a good wage.

Do you not wash in the morning? Do you not eat breakfast? Can you not imagine that someone who has been out all evening might come home and eat before bed?

You know nothing about my life. You know nothing about how busy I am.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 20:43

BUT I think parents doing this for their adult DC (with the exception of DCs witth illnesses or other additional needs or pregnancy etc.) really cringey and a bit of an indictment on modern parenting to be hones

My bil used to drop his ironing off at mil's house. I always wondered what his girlfriends thought about it. I couldn't think of anything less attractive tbh!