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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 29/03/2019 21:03

Purple, I wasn't telling you what to post, I was telling you to calm down, because you are starting to come over a bit ridiculous and your response to my innocuous post doesn't change that.

SkaTastic · 29/03/2019 21:04

Oh my goodness you sound so lovely! My parents are absolutely clueless about how much stress me and my husband are under. What a lovely Mum you are.

PurpleDaisies · 29/03/2019 21:05

It isn’t innocuous. Those sorts of assumptions about the lives of people without children are inaccurate and should be challenged.

I am calm.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 21:05

Pathetic that you can’t see people without children can also be busy.

Pathetic you cant understand that all people with children were previously childless. So I know exactly how busy someone can be.

However My home is now twice as big to accommodate a family of five. Far more mess, much more cooking, dishes, laundry.more hoovering. AND we still have to deal with full time work.

I'm going to ignore you now though because youve got a massive bug up your arse.

Justheretogiveaviewfrommyworld · 29/03/2019 21:06

What assumptions did I make about your life?

ReadingInReading · 29/03/2019 21:06

I am baffled by the number of grown adults who would be delighted to have their parent interfere in their domestic lives like this!

Where is your pride and self-respect? How on earth can you accept your MOTHER coming into your home after you have flown the nest and doing basic chores for you? Why bother moving out at all, why not embrace multi-generational living?

OP I know you just want to help and it's tough to see your children facing the hardships of life but infantilising grown up children isn't doing anybody any favours.

Crossfitgirl · 29/03/2019 21:07

I would rather pay a cleaner.
Because then if there are any issues or anything, it's not awkward, you can just get rid of the cleaner.
It's much harder to tell a lovely family member if there's something you don't like / it's not working out etc.
But by all means, it's worth asking them and letting them decide for themselves, just making sure you don't imply you think they need to clean!
I.e. Since you are already looking for a cleaner, how about I offer to do it for you but just as a favour, I like cleaning and it saves you money, so win win, but I won't be offended if you say no...

cupofteaandcake · 29/03/2019 21:15

I'm struggling a bit with this as it seems to be a common theme of mum helping daughter here. I am left wondering how many father's help out and how many pil help with cleaning etc. By offering to help your daughter it seems to me that the implication is that cleaning is her resonsibility. I would hope that by learning to get these chores done quickly and efficiently as a couple will stand them in better sted for the future for example when children may come along.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this so will be happy to be told off!

2018SoFarSoGreat · 29/03/2019 21:16

I think you sound like the loveliest mum. I'd be thrilled! Also would be thrilled to do it, if they'd let me. I quite like cleaning other people's houses. Not my own. That does not have the same sense of achievement at the end.

Would love if my DDIL would let me come help her. She did when in late pregnancy, and it was great to be able to.

Luckyduck88 · 29/03/2019 21:16

This is something my lovely Mum would do for me :)) your daughter is lucky x

cantbebotheredtoday · 29/03/2019 21:16

Aww what a lovely thought. My mum has at times throughout the years when I've been very busy with my DD/college assessments/work etc offered to clean my house for me and I've always taken her up on the offer and been very appreciative.

It's always lovely to walk into your nice clean home after a hectic week and just be able to relax. I think it's a lovely offer and I'm sure your daughter will jump at the idea.

Boysnme · 29/03/2019 21:18

My lovely MIL does this, I know she thinks my house is dirty but I do not care. She offers out of kindness and I say thank you very much.

Ragwort · 29/03/2019 21:21

I'd be horrified if my DM came round to clean my house (unless I was ill, just had a baby or similar). As others have said, where is your self respect in letting your mother do your chores Hmm ? - when my DM retired she was enjoying her retirement, hobbies, meeting friends etc. The thought that she had spare time that she wanted to fill by 'doing my chores' would really sadden me. Fortunately it never happened Grin - and I get on very well with my DM - we do help each other out with small things, but not doing the weekly clean Hmm.

And I think it would have been hideous for my DH to have his MIL round weekly, poking around.

BananaFace5 · 29/03/2019 21:22

I couldnt have my dm or my mil cleaning my house, even worse if its for free!!!
They might feel insukted/babied/invasion of dsil privacy, he might find it hard to say he isnt comfortable with it, also after a while you could very well start to resent it. What if sil or dd leave a big mess every now and then, who pays for the cleaning materials etc etc. Its a lovely thought but it could get complicated

NWQM · 29/03/2019 21:23

Oh I'd have jumped at the help. It would be very kind of you.

Proseccoagain · 29/03/2019 21:24

Just no. I would have hated it, being newly married and would have taken it as a criticism that I couldn't cope. Similarly I would not ever dream of suggesting this to my DD or. DDil. And I would not have wanted anyone in what to us was our first and very personal home.

thebabessavedme · 29/03/2019 21:24

It's a lovely thought, I would leave it as a lovely thought Grin I believe that dd and I are pretty close, I would always help if asked, when dgs was born I was very happy to skivvy for them for a couple of weeks, ie, clean, cook meals, do washing etc - my dm would help me if I was ill, as I would her, however, to me, its just intrusive! a crisis is one thing. Every week though? nah, get a cleaner.

PrinceOfPies · 29/03/2019 21:25

offering to help your daughter it seems to me that the implication is that cleaning is her resonsibility. I would hope that by learning to get these chores done

I tried posting that earlier but I'm exhausted and couldn't word it properly so I deleted it.

Bojangles33 · 29/03/2019 21:31

Oh my god I would be bloody ECSTATIC if my mother offered to do this!

TatianaLarina · 29/03/2019 21:33

God no. If they want a cleaner they can pay for one. Wouldn’t want my mum nosing through my stuff.

Anyway, my mum’s got much better things to do than clean - she has her own cleaner.

Get some hobbies OP.

Amanduh · 29/03/2019 21:35

Yes please!
I think it’s a brilliant offer!

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 29/03/2019 21:35

Definitely ask! My mum used to do stuff like this but without asking. I didn't like it but was young and it felt rude to complain about what was meant as a kindness.

Asking is the key thing I think.

adriennewillfly · 29/03/2019 21:38

Would absolutely hate this. Offer to pay for a cleaner, or bring then frozen home cooked meals to heat up when they get home. But if either my mum or MIL offered to clean, I would hate it.

Flaverings · 29/03/2019 21:53

Quite normal in my social circle.

This is so far from my experience that I'm struggling to get my head around it Grin

ChipSandwich · 29/03/2019 21:55

I'm a mil and I wouldn't do this. I think it's too intrusive. I've occasionally done some washing or ironing when visiting and just my daughter or both of them are there - but only my daughter's. Son in law does his own ironing (fusspot).
My own mil used to come and start cleaning stuff when she visited and I absolutely hated it. One day she came and started cleaning the windows inside. Maybe they needed it but I found it rude without a by your leave. Dodgy territory, I think.

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