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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 01/04/2019 15:46

These women aren’t put on or have no life, quite the opposite but they’re very close to their DDs and just like to give them a lift in that area

Another post that's all about women's work! CLEANING IS NOT WOMEN'S WORK, EVERYONE WHO LIVES IN THE HOUSE SHOULD CLEAN IT.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 15:48

No need to shout, we are talking about women that help their adult out.

Would you see your adult DD struggling then?

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 15:55

I don’t know any adults who struggle to keep their house clean. Or walk their dogs. Or make casseroles. My family is very close - that’s no justification whatsoever.

one woman works away quite a lot so her mum gives the DH a bit of a hand with meal prep and ironing as he works long hours too

Why on can’t he cook and iron himself? Or get a cleaner to iron. He’s too good for it, but the DM isn’t and it’s not even her house!

formerbabe · 01/04/2019 15:55

one woman works away quite a lot so her mum gives the DH a bit of a hand with meal prep and ironing as he works long hours too

Jesus wept.

How totally pathetic

formerbabe · 01/04/2019 15:58

I don’t know any adults who struggle to keep their house clean. Or walk their dogs. Or make casseroles

I agree. Unless someone is disabled, very unwell or has just had a new baby, I can't see any reason why they can't cope with everyday household chores. Housework has never been so easy...we have washing machines, dishwashers, robot vacuum cleaners, online food shopping, pre prepped food...

formerbabe · 01/04/2019 16:00

Would you see your adult DD struggling then?

I'd be massively concerned if I had a healthy, non disabled adult son/daughter with no children who was struggling with ordinary household tasks.

MillyMollyMandie · 01/04/2019 16:00

I don’t know any adults who struggle to keep their house clean. Or walk their dogs. Or make casseroles.

Yet there are plenty of threads here suggesting plenty of people do.

formerbabe · 01/04/2019 16:03

Yet there are plenty of threads here suggesting plenty of people do

Generally people who have new babies/many children to take care of/illness/depression

MillyMollyMandie · 01/04/2019 16:05

Generally people who have new babies/many children to take care of/illness/depression

And all the rest.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 16:42

How totally pathetic

Not so. If his wife is working away and he’s back late why would he not let his MIL make their evening meal? Sometimes he’s not back till 8pm after picking the dcs from MILs, would you really expect small children to have to wait while their dad sorts dinner?

What’s it to you anyway? Why does it piss you off so much?

formerbabe · 01/04/2019 16:49

Sometimes he’s not back till 8pm after picking the dcs from MILs

So she's looking after his children until well into the evening not to mention cooking and ironing. Blimey, what a total mug. I'd suggest he dips into his pocket and pays for some domestic help if he can't cope...diddums

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 16:54

I don’t know any adults who struggle to keep their house clean. Or walk their dogs. Or make casseroles. My family is very close - that’s no justification whatsoever

It’s not necessarily about them struggling though, the woman I know who walks her DDs dogs does it so she doesn’t have to when she gets home as she’s busy with small children. She doesn’t have her own dog now as it died last year so she enjoys getting out and seeing her old dog walking friends and goes for a coffee along the canal with them. Win win for everyone.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 16:56

This is only when his wife is working away. His MIL wouldn’t have it any other way.

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 17:00

So she's looking after his children until well into the evening not to mention cooking and ironing. Blimey, what a total mug. I'd suggest he dips into his pocket and pays for some domestic help if he can't cope...diddums

Basically this MIL is working long hours for the family, while this man advances her career. She could be could be earning good money, adding to her pension and her care fees in later life. You can bet he’s not going to fork out for her after she’s spent years working for him for free.

I’d expect a working mother who got home at 8 with her kids to have batch cooked food she could heat up ASAP. I’ve no idea why a man couldn’t do that.

ILoveBray · 01/04/2019 17:01

No way. I know you're trying to be nice, but I think it's a terrible idea.

Also, 2 grown adults (without any children) should be able to keep their own home clean, even if they both have full time jobs.

It's part of being a grown up, and I think that doing things like this for your adult children is almost a disservice to them. It doesn't encourage them to stand on their own two feet really, and what you often end up is them having a sense of entitlement because of it.

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 17:01

His MIL wouldn’t have it any other way.

Wtf has it got to do with her? She’s not married to him.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 17:05

His MIL wouldn’t expect her DD to pay for someone to do what she’s doing is she what His MIL wouldn’t have it any other way. is referring to.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2019 17:07

Jesus, is this what it’s come to? She could be out earning money for her care home fees! It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’d do that. I see OP hasn’t been back other than to report her walk by the Med - doesn’t sound very down trodden by drudgery to me.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 17:08

Erm she doesn’t need to earn money! She’s actually very well off!

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 17:14

I strongly suspect that your and my idea of well off is not the same, however it’s irrelevant - she could doing paid, rewarding work rather than skivvying for a man who apparently can’t be arsed to skivvy for himself.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2019 17:18

She could. But she doesn’t want to. How does that affect anyone else?

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 17:19

She could be out earning money for her care home fees! It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’d do that.

That’s fine if you’re so well off you can afford them on your current finances, or you don’t mind ending up in a dump.

I’ve just put my elderly aunt into the most amazing care home - but it’s over a 100 grand a year.

pigsDOfly · 01/04/2019 17:19

I think this thread has gone completely off on a tangent.

The original question was about doing housework for two healthy adults with no children who it appears are unable to cope doing their own housework because they get tired.

Now everyone's posting about women helping out single mothers with children who are working full time, disabled family and so on and so on.

There's a massive difference between someone's mother helping out with childcare and all that that entails when people have no other support, and the OP cleaning the home of a young couple who have no other responsibilities than themselves and the bit of cleaning that a home needs when it's empty most of the time.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2019 17:21

Must be Buckingham Palace then because my parents’ care Home was the best in the county and it was half that. I’m off to Switzerland when the time comes, that’s £8k including cremation.

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 17:23

How does that affect anyone else?

It affects the children - they see that unpaid domestic drudge is what women do, and earning and palming off cooking and ironing onto women is what men do.