Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
Flaverings · 31/03/2019 13:41

I would rather be intruded by my DM for free, than a stranger. But that's just me

Wow.

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 14:10

Again, like her sister, she's an adult and is capable of managing her own life and housework

and that's exactly what we want for our grown up children, isn't it?

BowStreetStunner · 31/03/2019 15:38

Personally, I would love it cannot imagine why anyone would be offended by such a kind gesture my Mum helps my sister a lot doing the cleaning and even washing as she works long hours and has two small children I do not have any but I would bite her hand off if she offered to clean my flat although she did when I was very ill. Make the offer explain you just want to help and give them more time I suspect she will be touched by the gesture.

ElizabethMountbatten · 31/03/2019 15:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

BowStreetStunner · 31/03/2019 15:41

Just shocked at how many people would be offended but I guess we are all different I am not domesticated and have no problem letting anyone do the housework as I resent anytime I have to spend cleaning it is such a waste of time!

purpleme12 · 31/03/2019 15:48

But it depends what kind of relationship you've got really doesn't it. I would think my mum was criticising me cos that's what I think she does a lot of the time so it's not just a one off thing

Hazlenutpie · 31/03/2019 15:51

Just shocked at how many people would be offended

I'm more shocked at how many would take advantage of their mother. Just remember your mum has worked hard all her life and is now retired. FFS let your mum enjoy her retirement.

Soontobe60 · 31/03/2019 17:34

I look after my DGS one day a week at his house. The cleaner comes round whilst I'm there so does the dog walker. The shopping isn't delivered and I put it away, as well as doing a bit of laundry if there's any to do.
I love it, my DD also loves it. My son in law often works from home on the day I'm there. He pops out of his office for a brew and a chat over lunch time.

pigsDOfly · 31/03/2019 17:44

BowStreetStunner So you feel housework it such a waste of your time but clearly doing your housework would not be a waste of someone else's time.

Okay if you're paying them but otherwise not okay.

Wond3rment · 31/03/2019 20:24

For me, it would be an absolute no. My DM and DMIL would help out at any time and have in the past but never with housekeeping. DH and I are adults, thankfully fully capable of looking after ourselves.

We were married for years before having children, working every hour available building our careers and guess what? We paid a cleaner.

Interestingly, we are watching a mess unfold with my MIL and SIL which started out so innocently. My DMIL is a generous, kind lady who is full of energy. She would happily clean our house and all her childrens’ houses, over the years DH and his siblings have kindly declined and encouraged her to enjoy her good health. DH’s youngest sister, however, has accepted all offers of support from the moment she married. To make a long story bearable, DH and his other siblings are now trying to understand how to intervene. My poor DMIL is run into the ground - cleaning, cooking and caring for 3 under 4. She is 70, absolutely exchausted. Rather than enjoying her GCs, she refers to how hard they are to look after and all that she has to do. SIL is in fact a lovely person - while we all feel she is taking advantage I think the reality is that she is completely dependent on her DM and either doesn’t know how or doesn’t believe she can do it herself.

Of course, I am not suggesting this is your future OP but I know DMIL would not have thought it was her future either.

happymum12345 · 31/03/2019 20:59

Yes! What a kind thing to offer!

onthenaughtystepagain · 31/03/2019 23:25

The only problem is it may imply that you think that their home is dirty

I don't think it does, it's acknowledging that two very busy people don't have enough time for cleaning etc., I offer to do ironing.
As an extra thought, I wonder if those who are keen would be as keen were it the MIL making the generous offer???

buckeejit · 01/04/2019 00:05

I would love that- so kind BUT.... agree what your willing to do & ask them what they'd like you to avoid. I know dh wouldn't want my mum in our bedroom & best to have clear rules at the start so you respect each other's boundaries.

cestlavielife · 01/04/2019 08:46

He will cry and cry
Then he will threaten and get angry.
He will Try other tactics
Ignore all of it.

PH03b3 · 01/04/2019 09:37

Word it like this and if i was your daughter i would be so grateful!!

29/03/2019 19:38 MrsCasares

No I won’t push it. They just look so tired working those hours, and I can remember what it’s like working full time then having to do the cleaning

MsTSwift · 01/04/2019 10:22

That’s why you hire a cleaner. Not being beholden to anyone, feeling guilty or soaking up the well deserved retirement of someone you love. Worth every penny.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 10:34

You don’t have to feel guilty or beholden to someone just because they offer to clean your house. Nor is it an implication that their house is dirty. Some people can’t afford a cleaner but are still very busy with work or whatever. If either party is ok with this arrangement what’s it to anyone else?!

MsTSwift · 01/04/2019 13:59

I would feel both guilty and beholden if anyone cleaned my house for free on a regular basis. As would most other reasonable people I would imagine.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 14:13

That’s your opinion which you’re entitled to. Doesn’t make it right however, which shows in many of the responses on this thread.

MsTSwift · 01/04/2019 14:17

Of course it’s just my opinion didn’t say it was right surely that’s obvious? I would definitely judge a friend who let her mum clean her house regularly though. Never known this to happen in real life - find the whole situation quite unbelievable tbh

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 14:26

I’m surprised you’ve never heard of anyone doing this for their dc tbh. I can think of about 8 people off the top of my head who help out in some form or another from going over once a week while her DD is at work who cleans the kitchen and bathroom, changes the beds, irons and gets some shopping in, another one who goes over everyday to walk the dogs, washes the breakfast pots and sometimes puts stuff in the slow cooker and one who will go and one who go and tidy round and hoover the lounge, the others do a variation of the things mentioned.

These women aren’t put on or have no life, quite the opposite but they’re very close to their DDs and just like to give them a lift in that area.

purpleme12 · 01/04/2019 14:49

I'm not surprised. I don't know anyone's parents who do this when their children have moved out

MillyMollyMandie · 01/04/2019 15:14

These women aren’t put on or have no life, quite the opposite but they’re very close to their DDs and just like to give them a lift in that area

I turn my hand to whatever comes up for all of my lot and I don’t begrudge them a minute of my time. We’re a family who helps each other out and if any of them needed help they know they can also ask each other. I have a lovely life full of children and grandchildren but it doesn’t stop me doing anything. I’ll even go to the cinema in the morning on my own if I want to see a particular film and in a few days I’m going on my second holiday in 3 months. The school run I normally do for two of my grandchilren twice a day will be done by their aunty instead. My children will also make sure their severely disabled brother who’ll be at home with his care team will have two visits a day whilst I’m away.

Each to their own when it comes to family.

TatianaLarina · 01/04/2019 15:39

These women aren’t put on or have no life, quite the opposite but they’re very close to their DDs and just like to give them a lift in that area.

They basically can’t let go of parenting their adult kids. I don’t know anyone whose parents do this.

GreatDuckCookery · 01/04/2019 15:45

They basically can’t let go of parenting their adult kids

That’s really not true in the people I know who help their adult dc. They are just very close family like Milly describes. There’s lots of different reasons why some of the people I know help out, one woman works away quite a lot so her mum gives the DH a bit of a hand with meal prep and ironing as he works long hours too, another one is a single parent with no other support so her mum does her food shopping and picks the dc up from school, feeds them and tidied up for her. These two are very appreciative of the support they get and I know their mums don’t mind at all.