Helping your married dd

[MrsCasares]

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

It really isn’t. Nobody had a gun to your head. It’s a choice made by someone that wants to do it for whatever reason.

There are women all over the country who make a free choice to be a domestic slave. The fact that it’s elective makes it more rather than less depressing.

Absolutely. Have some self respect and get a life there are lots of ways to show your love and support. hate that “woman” seems to mean the person that drudges round for the entire family. Why? We need to get away from that. I would be mortified if my mother even suggested this which she wouldn’t as it would be very weird.

I don't think two adults with no children should need their Mum to come and clean for them. Enjoy your retirement. Or if you want to do something invite them round for dinner on a weekday so you get to enjoy their company.

Why do you assume the OP has no life? Why can’t she enjoy her life doing everything she wants along with helping her family out?

Have you ever thought that some women actually like cleaning. The OP is one of them, she also had a lot of free time, maybe she’s a bit bored even? And would like to give some of her time to help her DD out.

It doesn’t mean she’s destined for drudgery and marigolds.

My DGM decided she would do this for me when I started a job doing 12hr shifts, often doing over 60hrs a week just to keep the roof over my head.

At first I thought it was lovely. Really helpful. We were close and I loved her dearly (shes passed away now)

But then I started coming home to my furniture repositioned, my kitchen cupboards rearranged, new decorative furnishings turning up, things she didn't like of mine thrown away, taking a dislike to my cat and locking his cat flap so he couldn't access his food and water, and going into personal and private things in my bedroom/bathroom and making less-than-subtle comments about certain items.

It was no longer my home, but hers. I became really annoyed and fed up with it. It felt controlling and found myself resenting the cleaning day, rather than appreciating it.

I eventually stopped her coming. I would rather do my own cleaning on my occasional days off than feel like an intruder in my own home.

perhaps couch it as have they found a cleaner because you'd be happy to run the Hoover round if they'd like to save some money.

No. I will not accept anyone “likes” cleaning when there are friends to meet, books to read, badminton to play, walks to go on. Fuck cleaning - live your life and enjoy your retirement. The making and having dinner with your adult children is a lovely suggestion.

This thread shows how different we all are! Personally I’m in the “fuck cleaning” camp but I have met people who genuinely seem to enjoy it. 🤔

I do think we should raise our children to be independent adults and doing their washing, ironing, cleaning etc., for them when they are adults, is bonkers. Step away and allow them to find ways of living that doesn’t include relying on mummy.

MsTSwift you’re being ridiculous. You can’t say that the Op is lying about liking cleaning. Just because you obviously don’t doesn’t mean that some women do!

There is something oddly satisfying regarding cleaning someone else’s house. I don’t do it regularly but sometimes will help out DS/DIL if they’ve been particularly busy and yet I still manage to read, meet friends for lunch, binge watch box sets or nap.

Where are all the fathers lining up to scrub their daughters bogs? They’re not? I am surprised. That’s why it pisses me off.

Totally agree with @MsTSwift
Sure, if your dd has just had a baby or is very unwell, its nice to help. But seriously healthy, childfree, working adults still having mummy come over to do their housework? Pathetic.

Well my DH isn’t retired so he’s at work. Maybe they help out in others ways, I know of different retired couples that help their adult dc around the home, the mum will change the beds, vacuum round while the dad miss the lawn or puts a shelf up or whatever.

Mow not miss

MrsSwift didn’t imply OP was lying about liking cleaning.

But you have to set your sights very low and your range of interests very narrowly that cleaning someone else’s house weekly for free would rank as enjoyable.

More enjoyable than travel, theatre, art, literature, learning a language, a new skill, hobbies, leisure activities, meeting friends, whatever?

It’s a very unimaginative use of time.

That’s kind of proved my point about cleaning though hasn’t it? Cleaning is women’s work. He can put up the odd shelf. Mowing a lawn is a fun and short job.

MsSwift! Autocorrect.

Who are all these dreary retired couples slaving after adult children who’ve left the nest? They don’t seem to be able to let go of their parental roles.

The retired people I know do things like learn to ride, learn Russian, visit countries and places they’ve never been, do an MA, retrain as a relationship therapist, historical voluntary work - and meet interesting new people into the bargain.

@TatianaLarina

I agree. My dc are 8 and 11...like most parents, I do a lot of housework and chores. That's fine. They're children. It's my job.

But seriously, once they're living independently, like hell am I going round to clean their bathroom and pick up their dirty socks!

They can find me on a sun lounger, cocktail in hand!

Why do you assume the OP has no life?

I think it’s down to tunnel vision.

Why can’t she enjoy her life doing everything she wants along with helping her family out?*

They can and do but some people just won’t accept the fact and there’s absolutely no point in prolonging a discussion with them.

Well exactly. I’ll take them out for dinner but will NOT make their beds or scrub their floors

So much exaggeration for added effect.

It’s not all or nothing. You can still have holidays whenever, lie ins, lazy days in front of the tv, impromptu lunches with your mates, read, garden or whatever else you fancy and help out with your adult dc you know.

If you don’t want to do it for whatever reason that’s perfectly fine but don’t dog those who do.

I like cleaning

So much so, that I became a professional housekeeper.

And I love it far more than any of my previous jobs that would be considered far more professional and ambitious.

It's very satisfying to turn someone's home into a space they love and enjoy being in, to help take some of the weight of life of my clients shoulders. I've never been in a job before where my efforts and hard work was so valued and appreciated. It's very rewarding.

However, I won't do it for relatives because of my own experience with my DGM (see above).

I’ll take them out for dinner but will NOT make their beds or scrub their floors

110% agree

It’s not good for the adult children and their mummy has earned a rest.

The emphasis on “helping my daughter” is also wrong. What happened to the DH shaping up?