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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 31/03/2019 09:24

Once a week is actually quite a lot - if OP spent that time working on say her French she’d be quite proficient by the end of the year. Alternatively she could be earning money to have more to spend on her preferred activities.

TatianaLarina · 31/03/2019 09:24

They can find me on a sun lounger, cocktail in hand!

Hell yeah Wine

MsTSwift · 31/03/2019 09:29

Anecdotally both my own mother and mil are heading in the opposite direction to the op - their cooking efforts scaled right back, mums contribution to Christmas was a packet of bread sauce and a pint of milk which handed to me Grin mil served us shove in the oven chips and fish. Both excellent cooks. Get the impression they are both totally “over” housework and cooking. It’s good to see after all their years of effort.

unexpectedgifts · 31/03/2019 09:38

My lovely mum used to do this every Friday for me when I was in my early 20's. She is a treasure.

My husband and I worked long hours and I was away for two separate nights during the week too.

I arrived home at 7pm on a Friday and didn't have to start cleaning.

She is my star and always will be.

That was 30 years ago now!

Aveeno2017 · 31/03/2019 09:38

Here we go women telling other women to get some "self respect" and "get a life" just because OP offered to help clean her daughter's house!!

bumblingbovine49 · 31/03/2019 09:45

Why the hell is cooking a meal.for your adult children or maybe doing some gardening ok but not doing some cleaning? I loathe cooking and would.much rather clean the kitchen or the house in some way do would offer that as help rather than bring round a meal.. how is that drudgery if it is my choice of what help I prefer to offer?

Op you sound lovely. Offer and be prepared to accept if they refuse.

Flaverings · 31/03/2019 09:52

Why the hell is cooking a meal.for your adult children or maybe doing some gardening ok but not doing some cleaning?

For the same reason as I would invite friends around for a meal, but I wouldn't pop around to clean their bathroom.

Flaverings · 31/03/2019 09:52

It's about respect - respect for myself (that I'm adult and capable of running my own life) and respect for my parents (that they're not there to clean up after me).

reallybadidea · 31/03/2019 09:57

Have you ever thought that some women actually like cleaning.

Lots of women do say that they enjoy cleaning. Oddly though, you rarely hear men saying the same thing. Maybe a love of mopping is a recessive trait found on the X chromosome?

formerbabe · 31/03/2019 10:06

I think when most women say they love cleaning...what they actually mean is they love having a clean house. The actual act of cleaning is not what they enjoy. Very few vastly wealthy people clean their own homes.

GreatDuckCookery · 31/03/2019 10:09

I think when most women say they love cleaning...what they actually mean is they love having a clean house

No, it means that they love cleaning. If they didn’t they’d get a cleaner.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 31/03/2019 10:12

Isn’t it funny that most women would chew their own arm off before having their MiL come and clean their house but men don’t seem to give a shiny shit, other than, hey! Free women’s labour, again!

Frankly it’s embarrasing. Nice to help out on the odd occasion but I’d be mortified if my mum was reduced to cleaning up after me. She’s done enough of that when I was a kid.

Redwinestillfine · 31/03/2019 10:19

I would offer just be careful how you phrase it, give them an out and if they accept agree rules upfront eg do they want you to do while house/ stay out of certain rooms etc. You sound lovely op.

MariaNovella · 31/03/2019 10:37

I’d be mortified if my mum was reduced to cleaning up after me... and my DH.

Indeed. A bit of respect!

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 10:44

I guess it depends on how you view cleaners - my cleaners (not my mum) are very valued & respected, not degraded in any way at all.

It's not a degrading job so confused by those comments - it's an essential job that needs done & a mum doing it to help out her family would be a god send for many people, definitely not any kind of sign of disrespect unless that's how you view cleaners generally.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 31/03/2019 10:48

I’ve thought about this and read the thread and although I think it’s a kind offer I would still judge the adults who accepted it.

I’m in a minority’s though, so crack on!

MariaNovella · 31/03/2019 11:09

The disrespect is in allowing your mother to do your and your DH’s dirty work unpaid.

PrinceOfPies · 31/03/2019 11:13

Oldowlgirl.

They are doing a JOB. Presumably you are paying them for work.

Letting someone clean your toilets in their freetime for NO money because you want your free time to be spent on you and your dh would be degrading yes.

The ops daughter doesn't have children. Two adults ( if they accept this offer) are saying their free time is more valuable than the OPs.

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 11:46

We'll have to agree to disagree @PrinceOfPies as I don't see it that way at all. The mum enjoys cleaning & wants to help her DD. Whether her DD wants that help or not is a different matter but if she does, it certainly isn't a sign of disrespect to her mum.

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 11:57

Yes it is. And a sign that she and her H can’t manage their own life.

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 12:03

Again, have to agree to disagree - having someone else do your cleaning is not a sign that people can't manage their own lives - how bizarre Confused

Loopytiles · 31/03/2019 12:08

If you earn enough to pay a cleaner, fair enough. But adults relying on a parent to clean the toilet weekly is different. Domestic work is a normal part of adult life.

Bravelurker · 31/03/2019 12:41

I would rather be intruded by my DM for free, than a stranger. But that's just me Smile.

oldowlgirl · 31/03/2019 12:56

I'm with you @Bravelurker Grin

pigsDOfly · 31/03/2019 13:03

I'm retired too and tbh it wouldn't occur to me to offer to clean either of my adult DD's homes.

One of my DD's has three small DC and though I have offered to run the hoover round if she needs me too she's never taken me up on it; she's an adult and I get the very strong impression that she feels she and her DH are capable of cleaning their own house.

My other DD works long hours and has a very full on hobby that takes up masses of her time.

She'd think I had lost the plot if I offered to clean her house and most definitely wouldn't accept the offer. The idea of her mother cleaning up her mess after her would never occur to her. I think she'd think of it as treating me as some sort of servant and me looking on her as some sort of incapable child, and she most definitely would not bite my hand off if I offered. Again, like her sister, she's an adult and is capable of managing her own life and housework.