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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

202 replies

SealySal · 29/03/2019 13:57

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 02/04/2019 09:59

Said as we were walking back down the aisle "...if you want kids, you can think again..". Arsehole then spent the night in the bar. Prior to the vows, he was the ideal man. It was all just a sick game to him.

That's really bad. Are you still with this guy?

AryaStarkWolf · 02/04/2019 10:00

I remember ex bil saying that if his girlfriend/ wife to be ever got raped he could never go there again too

Disgusting.

Some of these stories are really horrific

BIWI · 02/04/2019 19:03

Said as we were walking back down the aisle "...if you want kids, you can think again..". Arsehole then spent the night in the bar. Prior to the vows, he was the ideal man. It was all just a sick game to him.

Why do men like this bother to get married? That's what I really don't get Confused

SealySal · 16/04/2019 21:55

Update: I thought I’d come back to let you know that I went for the interview. I wore THE jacket (it looked fine). Interview went well. I’m going back to meet the MD next week. A great confidence boost.

Thank you again for all of your support. Much appreciated!!

OP posts:
AlmostAlwyn · 16/04/2019 22:26

That's great news! Well done! Good luck with the meeting next week Flowers

aibutohavethisusername · 16/04/2019 22:28

Well done!

looondonn · 16/04/2019 22:43

Great news

Well done

Melroses · 16/04/2019 23:12
Flowers
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 16/04/2019 23:26

Well done

Numptybean · 16/04/2019 23:28

The last words from my ex (many many years ago) were "I'm going to fucking kill you"

Numptybean · 16/04/2019 23:29

Oh wow op! Great news!! Well done

Babdoc · 16/04/2019 23:40

Excellent, OP! Go, you! I hope your confidence is flying high.
I’m sorry for all the PPs who had abusive marriages. Whatever the sentence that ended them, I hope they are now happier.
The sentence that ended my marriage was: “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.” Spoken by the neurosurgeon outside the CT scan room after DH’s fatal brain haemorrhage. Still miss him and love him after 27 years.

BlackPrism · 16/04/2019 23:57

The 90s are v in right now so he clearly has 0 fashion sense. The 'clueless' (as in the movie) vibe is v 2019.

powershowerforanhour · 17/04/2019 00:20

Well done OP!
Some of these are absolute shockers.
Mine was a boyfriend, not a husband and not quite as bad; wasn't the start or the end of me going off him but I remember it so clearly. I was in my early 20s and had gone to work abroad for a bit.
Couldn't afford mobile calls so bought one of those card thingys, always had to spend ages trying to find a public phone where it would work...difficult, and there was one time when I went a couple of weeks without being able to ring him. Finally got though, clock is ticking on the card. Exchanged pleasantries etc then there was a slight pause and he said , "Now..." in a let's get down to the important stuff tone
"...have you lost any weight?".
W.T.F.???
It took me a few seconds to register what he had said, then the words "Fuck you" shot into my head and I had to bite my lip not to say it.
For context: I was a size 14, he was very overweight, verging on obese with not much apparent awareness of it and zero sign of doing anything about it.
The question was completely out of the blue. Did he hope I had lost weight, as in is he the sort of man who doesn't care what he looks like but wants a perfect girlfriend? Did he hope I hadn't so as not to make him feel bad (he used to shovel in vast quantities of crap food and sort of expect me to do the same)?
I don't know, he carried on talking, oblivious but it was one of a few mini moments of realisation for me that lead to me dumping him.

RiseAndShineyShite · 17/04/2019 00:27

You know I bet that in fact you looked extra beautiful in your jacket that day. And your husband started internally panicking;

"oh no, she looks gorgeous. What if she gets this job, makes more money than me, expects me to do nursery pickup AND cops off with some other bloke in the office who thinks she's hot! Nah - can't be dealing with that!"

So your weak-minded H projected his own insecurities onto you with his scathing put downs in the hope of undermining your confidence enough that you ditched the lovely jacket - or even better, felt too stupid to go for the job. He very nearly succeeded.

He wants you at home, dressed more dowdily and where he can keep an eye on you. He doesn't want to pick up any domestic slack you working might bring him. He also doesn't want any other males seeing your worth and potentially making you realise it too. And he doesn't want a rival to his "hero breadwinner" status. He wants to feel superior to you. These types of men always feel emasculated when their wives have any successes if their own. He should feel proud of you but he's a pathetic little man-baby who can't stand not being top dog for once.

Go get that job OP Thanks - something tells me you might need it in the future to build a life for you and your DD's without him in it, if he doesn't fix up fast...

DeeCeeCherry · 17/04/2019 00:35

If DP said similar to me Id laugh, and banter back, as he'd never say such a thing seriously. & we do comment on each other's clothes sometimes in silly fashion.

If my ex had said it however there'd be a row as he's a nasty fucker who enjoyed putting me down. & actually didnt have much nice to say about women in any event.

So, context. Its never about 'just that comment'.

You can gather your thoughts now OP and quietly go for another position when you look and feel as you'd like to...build your own confidence, do it for yourself. Youve got the neasure of your husband. If you decide to leave him in the future, then that would be a good enough time.

Some of the replies sound as if they're telling you off. A bit brain-battering. Your post would be best in Relationships you can have it moved there if you ask.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/04/2019 00:38

Babdoc 💐

3ChangingForNow · 17/04/2019 01:14

Mine was 'you must have enjoyed getting raped didn't you' when I left the front door unlocked when I was in the house. I had been gang raped previously.

CSIblonde · 17/04/2019 01:31

Was it the straw that broke the camels back OP? Who made him the fashion guru? I know very few men who are up on female fashion let alone male style etc. Was he really fine with you earning again or did he see it as a threat you'd outshine him & be more I dependant? Get back on the interview horse. Your outfit sounds fine to me. You don't need someone putting you down & holding you back. That's no life.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/04/2019 05:03

A comment like that can be the final straw. I left a relationship between his father said if I did something he would like kick my arse, instead of standing up for me my ex said get in line.
I think the outfit you described sounds fine, call the recruiter and re schedule. You will have fun shoppers for new clothes for your new job!

groovergirl · 17/04/2019 05:37

@RiseAndShineyShite Star

SealySal, I'm late to this but want to say congrats on the job interview (in your super chic outfit) and yay for going through to the final round. Tell H that smart tailoring is in, and if he hadn't noticed, well, the 2000s are calling him back ... with tattoos and tatty low-rise jeans with whale-tail undies on display ...

Weenurse · 20/04/2019 01:31

Congratulations on the interview.

ScottishDiblet · 03/05/2019 16:37

Hello! Sorry just wanted to ask for an update and see how it went meeting the MD? Got fingers crossed for you OP. Smile

Nat6999 · 03/05/2019 17:00

"You are having this bitch" as he raped me. Within 2 weeks I had taken our son & left him. The best thing I ever did.

Sewrainbow · 03/05/2019 17:25

Well done you! Really hope it went well and you have the confidence boost you need Flowers