To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

[SealySal]

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

@Pineyj it's a Maya Angelou quote.

Phrase that ended my marriage (after a rare night out we needed to go and collect DC from babysitter) he says but why do you need me to come and help?, you do all this stuff on your own all the time.

And I thought yes, you are absolutely fucking right.

Bye

I had been in hospital for a couple of days.. I was in pain and tired. He drove me home (major favour)..... as we pulled up to the house he asked “what are you cooking for dinner tonight?”. He wasn’t joking!

I knew my husband would forever put his demanding, dysfunctional family before me when he woke up on my birthday and the first thing he said was “Don’t forget it’s my sisters birthday in 2 days time, can you get her card and arrange for them to come over at the weekend”. About an hour later he finally remembered it was my birthday.

I love you but I’m not in love with you. Yeah that’s a phrase that can end a marriage. I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that

Oh op. It sounds like you're just sick of doing everything yourself and being put in your place constantly by him.

I guarantee you looked lovely. Get back in the process and ditch him. You deserve someone who says 'well done today, you look amazing.' And then puts dinner on themselves.

I was all dressed up in a new outfit, ready to go to a party. I said laughing "will I turn heads?" and he said "you'll turn fucking stomachs"
He is my X h for many reasons, but that was one of them...

After months of suspicion and only really conversing by text (even in the same house) I asked my now ExH "who is she?"

ExH replied that he'd been OLD for a few weeks and already had a couple of dates. I immediately started putting his clothes in bags and told him to piss off, despite having an 11th month old baby.

"I feed you" - said when I asked him do something to help me with second baby. I'd been the breadwinner with baby no 1, but became the parent on the weekends. When he was the breadwinner, I was the only parent. After I had breastfed 3 babies, he contemptuously referred to me as "saggy tits". I eventually escaped, after years of being stalked and harassed.

My ex said "If you've got cancer you fucking deserve it. Take your fucking lump and fucking die".

I took the kids and left that afternoon.

About a week later, with my son, he told me if I died the kids wouldn't remember me. I never loved them and they never loved me.

He never bothered with them ever again. No child support, no visits, cards or presents.

Vile, abusive, drunken waste of organic matter.

Back when I was working, I was more senior than him (and very independent)

As a PP said -

It also sounds like he could feel a bit threatened by the idea of you rejoining the workforce

100%

I was just wondering whether I’d just heard the phrase that broke my marriage last night. I’ve been very sick for weeks, unable to get well because I can never rest. Kid a chronically bad sleeper. No help at all. Husband always working or too “tired” to help. Spent overnight at the hospital with sick child (zero sleep for me). Just had some significantly bad news I won’t go into more detail about as it may be outing, but bad. Horribly, horribly sick and tired with no end in sight.

Husband has been at me daily since the birth (two years ago) to quit breastfeeding. He blames it for the sleep issues and the fact our child “doesn’t like” him. Doesn’t seem to occur to him it may be his lack of interest in doing any actual caring of our child.

Last night I lay down while H did the bath (his only job takes 10min max), our child threw a tantrum. My fault, apparently, because of breastfeeding. I was lying down because I was feverish. H came storming in and said if I didn’t stop breastfeeding I wouldn’t be “allowed” to (have that 5min) rest ever again.

My son was crying after a traumatic week and just wanted to snuggle and my husband wanted to take that away. There have been many phrases I thought would break the camel’s back, but that one was a doozy on so many levels.

OP I also have PND and am having specialist therapy for traumatic birth. Incidents in life shine a light on dynamics that already existed. You were unsupported before and your unsupported now. Maybe you dont feel ready for big change but I've found planning my return to work really helpful. Its also readjusted the dynamics at home. It's also important to have your own financial security should you split from your DH

I just remembered a comment my H said to me soon after we first met. We had gone on a “romantic” road trip and as I was undressing he noticed the tag in my T-shirt said “S”. He snorted and said I should really be wearing an “XL”. Kept going on about it. I was a size 6 at the time. I remember being a bit confused and wrote it off as him just being drunk and silly, but he’s made plenty of cutting comments since then that are designed to maim.

The other day he put his arm around me and made a big deal about some alleged fat on my hip, snorting and squeezing it and saying “Uh-oh!!” I’m a size 8. I’ve never been concerned about my weight but the fact he’s trying to knock my confidence is telling.

I’m back at work but I remember he ramped up the comments on my return. Loves to show contempt for my line of work. Acts like it’s bullshit fake work, when I am instead a highly-skilled, highly-educated person in a very high-paced, demanding job. I am totally aware his behaviour stems from his own lack of self-confidence. I also totally don’t care what his reasons are for wanting to cut me down.

So I can see where you’re coming from OP. I bet your husband is a delicate flower like my husband, whose weak little mind is more at ease with making himself feel like a big, important man by cutting you down rather than putting any effort into lifting himself up in less destructive ways. This is his weakness, not yours.

I also bet you looked great.

I have n’t read the whole thread but it’s folly to end a relationship over one comment, maybe it was a joke. Admittedly not very funny, you will have to deal with worse comments at work.

the posters who say your husband does n’t want you to be independent can’t possibly know that.

Spread your legs. Texted to some other woman.

This is shocking. Some of these are absolutely appalling.

Not an ex husband, but a long term ex I was living with “I will never marry you”, after years of stringing me along with “if you just behave I’ll propose” “how can you expect me to propose when you do XYZ” etc etc

On the first anniversary of my mother's death, I wanted to go to the cemetery by myself to lay flowers.
I had taken a day off from my 3 jobs and waited until lunchtime for my (unemployed) husband to get up to mind our 2 young children.
At 1 o clock, I took him a cup of tea (I know) and reminded him what day it was, and that he had promised to mind the kids.
At which point he screamed at me 'It's not about you!'
And I thought, well, if today can't be about me and how I am feeling, when can.
I'm ashamed to say it was another 2 years before I left, and there were many more cutting remarks, but I'll never forget that one.

I would like to see a photo of this outfit btw - it sounds wonderful OP!

tippingpoint14 there used to be support threads on here for women in emotionally abusive relationships, and there were a lot of resources in the OP, which might be helpful for you. Ultimately, the only solution, in my experience, is to leave. This is difficult when you are tired and dealing with work and children, but does free up your brain quite a bit as you are not always processing the ‘did that really just happen? How do I make this better’ thoughts.

My ex was extremely controlling and it took a long time for him to accept the marriage was over. I still get anxiety when he contacts me. But your point about commenting on my weight resonated with me. There were so many other things, and I do not want to think back to them. But when you start to realise, all the comments and undermining, devaluing habits need to be recognised and processed.

Here, I found one - unfortunately they don’t run anymore but you might find the links in the OP useful

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28?pg=1&order=

'You don't need me. She does' OW)
Yeh that's ok then tosser leave me with an hourly commute, huge house to renovate, two young children one who needed to attend a London hospital weekly, a part time uni course on top of full time work. No family support and living in a new city.

Whilst undergoing chemo for breast cancer: "I don't want to be stuck with you and your cancer for years on end."

I am free of cancer now. And free of him. I'm convinced that getting rid of him helped my recovery.

"His comment squashed my confidence and I obviously looked ridiculous walking through the business district like some old relic"

NO you did not. Please don't believe him. You know he's trying to put you down now - what he said doesn't hold any kind of truth.

"Admittedly not very funny, you will have to deal with worse comments at work." Hopefully you won't because that would mean your colleagues verged on being bullies.

" I earn more than you so can spend more" "will you lose weight" (im a size 14) these are just a couple of examples but when its good its good until the next comment/put down

If I'd left me X when he stayed home to watch the racing while I took 3 small children with me to get a breast lump aspirated I would have saved a few years of stress. He showed me he was an uncaring arse and I should have listened.