To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

[SealySal]

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

"if you get pregnant, you won't see me for dust". I never forgot that and it was always in the background until I finally dumped him.

Sounds like you had your straw that broke the camel's back moment

Mine was when ExH said to me 'I'm damn well going to take my marital rights while I still have them.'

"Either we get engaged or we break up"
I was 20, he was 21. At different uni's. He was uncomfortable that I had lots of male friends...he was also f*cking his best mates girlfriend.

He did this hours before I was due to go out with friends because I had said that I was going when he didn't want too.

I really hope that you manage to get back into the interview process. It sounds like this may have been the straw that broke the camel's back. X

It also sounds like he could feel a bit threatened by the idea of you rejoining the workforce.

This^^

He is used to being the breadwinner and feeling somehow cocky because of that, he does not want to lose that feeling.

Beginning of the end for me was when DH revealed sex of baby when we'd agreed to keep it between ourselves, then was born 36 plus 5 so had to stay in for 48 hours as DC premature, DH refused to stay the 2nd night in hospital because bed was uncomfortable, then at 5 days old DC ended up in SCBU for 48 hours DH refused to stay either night (we had a family room) as pillows deflated. Showed he didn't give a crap about me and may needed his support, took me another 5 months to send divorce papers.

Mine was a bit more serious than that, but I can understand if it's the last drop.
Do you think you have true PND or more like Partner Not-good-at-all Depression?

My marriage was the same all the effort none of the care, PND etc.....
You are the old you, but you and your body have done an amazing job by creating and producing 2 beautiful children. So, no matter what your DH says he cannot do that can he? Smart Ass!
How would he know what fashion is? Is he a fashion director, creator, Armani?🤣 No!
I know that his words hurt and crushed you but, take your time, regroup, step outside yourself take an honest look and do whatever you need to to loose the baby weight, perhaps, more walking with the new baby, change your hair and leave the housework, the shit will still be there in the morning! If you can afford to do so, get a cleaner in!
Use some time for YOU.
I spent years doing the same as you, putting everyone first because we as women do. But it's not enough, we need to care for and that's starts with us. It took 9 months to make that child and since you're still feeding, and a few months! So, take it slowly and write every single gain in a journal, for you and only you. Be kind to yourself.
And make that ungrateful husband of yours take a turn with the night feeds, it's his child too!
Sending love and hugs xx

I’ve got PND.

OP, are you getting any help with this? Keep in touch with the recruiter because your reaction to a comment from your husband - withdrawing from the interview process - is rather disproportionate to what he said and only hurts you, not him.

Onwards and upwards it is, keep on the jobsearch OP!

Mine was when I was coming home from a fortnight stay in hospital after a breakdown and he said “It would have been better if you had killed yourself” I left a year later. Good luck getting a great job and a great life you are a strong capable woman.

"Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?"

"It isn’t a comment in isolation that’s upset me. I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment. I can’t imagine actually trying to hurt someone like that."

Your second comment that I've C&P'ed above conformed what I already thought from your first post. That comment of his was the straw that broke the camel's back, the lens that brought everything into focus. The way you describe it as a switch flipping - I know what you mean, I've experienced it too. There's no way you can ever unflip it. It's permanent.

So yes, a sentence can end a marriage. A sentence that verbalises his utter lack of respect for you most certainly can.

He won't realise it until you make it explicit. He sounds as if he thinks he's got you well under the thumb. This is good; it gives you time to make your plans and get your ducks in a row (gather paperwork, take copies of bank statements, payslips etc.).

Me: “Shall I get us a slot back at relate?” (Had lost it in an admin error)
Him: ‘no’
I knew then that he didn’t want to fight for us.

My ex-husband's warm and caring phrase when I said I felt I had no choice but to leave him after a decade of emotional and financial abuse: "I leave you penniless, b**ch." That's exactly what he did for five years unfortunately.

So many but this was the one that made me feel desperate and hopeless. I’d tried to talk to him about me retraining while ds was little so I could get a much better job than the McJobs I had had all my life up till that point. He had a very well paid job so I thought while ds was small was the time to retrain or qualify in something that would give our family much more financial stability. He said “stop going on about retraining! you’ve got a child now, you need to get a little job that fits round him, like cleaning or in a shop”. Nothing wrong with those jobs obviously but I had done them all my life and wanted more and to do better for my child. Then a few days later he signed himself up for a super expensive gym and when I said “well can I join as well?!” He started shouting about he was sick of my money grabbing and it wasn’t fair that he was earning so much and not being able to do anything good without me wanting to grab a piece of it too. I had left my job to have ds at his instigation as he thought “kids should have their Mum at home”. So much more but I think that was really the point where it went beyond repair. Then of course there was the Saga Of The Spinach Bhajee when he told me categorically that he should have more than half of the take away we had ordered as he was a man who needed to eat more and he had paid for it so...

I hate that cunt.

I have not read the whole thread sorry, but when I had pnd after my first I thought my marriage (And life) were over. It wasn't.

Your outfit sounds great. You sound great. Your chap was, as PP have said, having a dig because he felt threatened. You sound worn down by more than one such comment from him and - it would seem you are doing more than your fair share. A comment can speak volumes. The only acceptable thing for him to have said right then would have been: ‘how was the interview?’ Followed by: ‘I’m proud of you, that’s great.’ .

Yes, I know what you mean. I had a conversation with my sister that permanently altered our relationship. She had no idea what she'd said. It wasn't anything particularly bad but as people like to say on here, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. So, YANBU.

What does your husband know about fashion?! The 90s are back, and all the fashionable women at my work are wearing checked jackets; they're everywhere.

It does sound like his comment was designed to undermine you and take your confidence away. You uses to have a high flying job, and you can again. You don't need him swinging like a millstone around your neck.

90s clothes are trendy. Retailers are even advertising their clothes as “90s style”. Your DH has no clue!!

There was a thread recently about one lady wanting to keep her baby and her husband being very much against it, threatening her all the time. I wonder if she is alright.

That last sentence that finished my marriage, said in front of my primary aged son and a dining room full of diners, 'I want to punch my fist right through your face'.

My crime? I had been playing a quiet (muted) word game on my phone with my son to help my him quietly wait for his food. My (ex) husband wouldn't talk to us so I was killing time until our meal arrived.

I can't believe your doing it all on your own - said by a friend.

I have interviewed quite a few people recently, can honestly say that i can't remember what any of them were wearing, and it made no difference at all, what i cared about was their knowledge, their enthusiasm and their confidence - you were awesome at your job before OP, you can be again.

SilverySurfer Memphisblue

Those are both unbelivable comments, hopefully your now well rid of those monsters;!

Spread your legs. Texted to some other woman. The marriage was dead in the water anyway but that was the kick I needed

Not as shitty as yours op (and his comments were v v shity), but I once ended a relationship when he said "They didn't have the Guardian, so I got you the Telegraph". No going back from that

Justaboy yes, it was devastating at the time, and after dropping that little bombshell, he then asked me to drive him to the nearest underground station. He was living in my house and I gave him 24 hours to remove himself and all of his possessions or he would find them in the bin. He said I was being unreasonable.