To ask what phrase ended your marriage?

[SealySal]

My H recently laughed and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha”

Background: I used to have a senior and very well paid job. After DD1 was born, I decided to be a SAHM (H fully in agreement and he earns a very good income so no financial pressure). Main reason was that where we live the maternity leave entitlement was very short and I would have had to go back after 3 months, leaving a tiny baby with a stranger. Since then, 4 years have passed and we’ve since had another DD. She’s 10 months old.

A month ago, an old recruiter contact got in touch and asked if I would meet them to discuss a potential role. I was quite excited!! I miss my old self.

Through my own fault (eating too much), I’m 3 stone heavier than I used to be. None of my lovely old work clothes fit, so I ordered some work clothes online that would be suitable for an interview (good high street brand, not very expensive) and thought I looked quite nice. I’m ebf at the moment, so I started to pump milk and arranged a babysitter.

After I’d had the meeting (commute into the city), I rushed home, paid the babysitter and got on with feeding the baby, picking up DD1 from nursery, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, getting both DC bathed and to sleep. Over dinner that night, H pointed at my new jacket on the chair and said “You wore that? The 90’s want their jacket back hahaha. People don’t dress like that anymore”.

I’d worn a black shift dress and a black and white check jacket. Both size 14 and fitted well. My heart broke.

I looked at him and thought, I don’t like you. I’ve made my excuses to the recruiter and pulled out of the interview process. I need to try to regroup my thoughts, which is difficult, as I’m exhausted. I’ve done every night shift in forever and I’ve got PND. I know I can get back to my old self and will work towards that.

Is it crazy to think a sentence can end a marriage?

[Also, I know this is a AIBU board and people can sometimes be quite nasty. Someone will definitely say “first time poster”, but I’ve actually been a member since 2013 and this is a new account with a new email address, so that it isn’t linked to shared passwords with H]

@SealySal Back when I was working, I was more senior than him (and very independent). Whilst he seemed proud, there was always an issue where he would constantly (always) turn down any attempts at intimacy if I initiated it. I never felt attractive, even though I knew I was (sorry, I really don’t mean that to sound boastful). I think he was making a subliminal effort to make sure I didn’t get too big for my boots!

OMG! This is like an epiphany moment for me....this is EXACTLY what happened with me and stbxh! I had this thought lurking in my head for years but couldn't quite put it into words - but this is it exactly. I am going to print this off and carry it around to read every time I think I miss the fekker. Thank you.

And I agree what he did was awful - its not just the words, its the fact that he put down something so important to you in a mean and callous way. It actually sounds quite sneering. As others have said, if you ordered the clothes recently, they cannot be that out of sync with today. A black shift dress and a black and white checked jacket sounds totally fine for an interview - I did a quick Google and literally hundreds came up from Ys St laurent to Next to Miss Guided!!

People are thinking one phrase is not enough to end a marriage....maybe better to phrase it as the straw that broke the donkey's back. Maybe you should be saying to him "the 50s called, they want their misogynistic, bullying, self centred, insecure attitude back"! Time for some serious soul searching Sealy.

I wore a dress and jacket combo this morning. I felt great, which is all that matters to me.

I too think he is trying to knock your confidence, sod him!

if you bought the clothes recently from a high street brand I would expect them to be in fashion! Who is your husband Gok Wan? What does he know?

Very hurtful thing to say but maybe it stems from his own insecurities about you going back to work. You would be in your rights to pull him up on it and tell him he was totally out of order, but unless there are other more deep rooted issues with your marriage, I think you are over-reacting.

I just came online to say-

Your husband is obviously an idiot for all of the above reasons laid out above.

But- duh- the nineties are BACK! He has no fashion nous at all. I know that that isn’t the point at all, but please please wear that jacket and dress with aplomb!

He's the idiot here - 90s and 00s clothes are all back in fashion now. I'm nearly 50 (sob) and I keep seeing clothes in the shops now that are exactly what I wore when I was a 20-something career girl.

Bloody hell, I've just got rid of my 90's clothes! To be honest I would never have fitted into them. Look after yourself because it sounds like you'll need too.

@WonkyDonky what your husband said to you would make me leave too. Vicious, contemptuous, and from a nasty nasty place. What a C**T. How could you say that to someone you are supposed to care about?

(Sorry not dismissing the other comments that are descriptions of actual violence but I read WonkyDonky's and just though jeez, that's evil).

Mine is ending due to "I wish you were dead" in front of our 4 year old.

Sounds like a perfect normal thing to wear to me to.

He was just being horrible and trying to put you down.

If I were you I'd try to get back in touch with the recruiter.

'The problem with women is you know your rights these days. If you didn't know your rights you'd be happy'

One sentence can absolutele end a marriage - or signal the moment of a single realisation about the person you’ve ended up with. I remember the first time I did exactly the same thing you did and just had one stunning but very simple realisation of ‘I don’t like you’ about my ex husband. I was shocked but it was the start of a path of very clear thinking. We didn’t split for a very long time afterwards but it was the best thing all round x

He worked shifts. I'm self employed and looked after kids and worked around his shifts and his sleep. Nightmare trying to fit in enough hours at work.

He got offered a 4 week course meaning he would work 9-5. Didn't discuss it with me, just announced it one day. When I asked how I was meant to do any work, his reply...
"Dunno. You'll figure it out" and promptly fell asleep.

I figured I'd be better off without someone so self centred and selfish. It took a few months, but I'm so much happier and have a new dp who is genuinely supportive of my work.

County court setting,

Judge: I reckonn a half a million pounds will be the sum!.

Me: "How fucking much;!"

'The problem with women is you know your rights these days. If you didn't know your rights you'd be happy'

Fucking hell, really?

'You're so selfish. Why can't you be happy for your friend? It's not all about you.'

For context, I had just had a miscarriage that put me in hospital. It still wasn't actually complete at the time. A friend phoned to say they were pregnant and I cried. Then he said that to me.

I have mentally left the relationship but not physically summoned the courage to go as worried about the effect on DCs.

"I need all the wardrobe space in the bedroom so you'll have to find somewhere else to hang your stuff".
Said to me on the day we moved into our new house to "make a fresh start".

You know... you need to get your mojo back, what is putting you down is that you sacrificed everything for him, from a career that was a big part of your identity to your financial independence for an arse who seeks to put you down the moment you try to regain it. You have just realised he is not worthy of such sacrifice.

Weeomen are trained either by example or expectation that it is our role to support our husbands and sacrifice ourselves in the alter of the family even if we are better positioned to provide for that family not only financially but emotionally.

The good news OP is that allyour self esteem many start to come back very soon and you may even realise that your PND it is not so but the unhappiness created by having to put up with someone who puts you down, one way or another, all the time.

@AryaStarkWolf

Yes really.

Said because I hadn't done his washing. He wasn't working. Wasn't helping in the house. I paid for everything. Told him to do his own washing, he said he'd been 'too lenient' with me, and then the bullshit about me knowing my rights. Took me 3 months to get ready to leave.

Controlling, abusive, misogynistic arsehole. Still trying to put myself back together 2 years later. Its a hard thing to realise you've been abused by the man you love for 15 years. And an upward climb getting free. But so worthwhile, even on the hardest days.

oooerrmissus that's so heartless, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry you're still stuck with this man. I hope you find the strength to leave

jessicawessica Really?? I assume you're not still with this guy, what did you say to that? bloody hell

he said he'd been 'too lenient' with me

omg reading that has me raging, who the hell does he think he is?? I'm so glad you left

OP, how did your husband react when you told him you'd pulled out of the interview process?

The comment he made was nothing to do with women's fashion and everything to do with put-down and belittling you, OP.

I felt a definite switch flip in my head though as soon as I’d processed H’s comment.

I had exactly this switch flipping phenomenon with a long term relationship and the comment was careless, insensitive and designed to cut deep. I've never felt so liberated than when I span on my (kitten)heels and walked away!

Get back on the interview circui, you can do it - and if the H can't cope with your success, then get shot!

OP, the reason he made those comments was because if jealousy. He is fine with you as a SAHM and it suits him. Now you want to change the family routine. You have become excited about this interview like new you. So instead of encouragement he told you something to make you feel down.
Good luck with the future job interview!

OP, you're financially dependant on him. He feels important and in control. You go to work and he isn't above you anymore.

Not the words you expect from someone who is supposed to love and support you. Good luck with the interview.

Mine was from a long-term live in partner: 'I'm leaving because I've found someone who can give me what you can't - children.' This from a man who knew from early in the relationship that I couldn't have children and who swore he had zero interest in having any. That hurt.