To ask if you judge people who have no contact with their families?

[GreenTeacup]

I have been happily married to my DH for 18 years. We have been NC with his family for 5 years. His Dad is a bully who would belittle everyone. His mum would support him doing it. When we realised that our children felt uncomfortable around them, we started to have less contact and after an event at my sons birthday, we cut contact for good. As a result we have NC with DH’s siblings.

On my side I have little contact with my siblings. My DB has always done his own thing and my sister and I are NC. This was my choice after years of lies and gaslighting. She took my memories and claimed them as her own, is a constant victim of life in general and happily lies.

Although I wish we had a big close extended family, we don’t and I have come to terms with my decision.

When I meet new people I don’t like to talk about family and when asked just say that we have never been close.

Just recently I had a new acquaintance state that it was a red flag for her in friendships if that person was NC with several family members. I also read the same on MN about meeting a man who had NC with his family.

Can I have your thoughts?

I find that people with nice supportive families can’t understand why I would want to be LC/NC with my family. Their experience of family is so different from mine that they can’t comprehend how awful family have to be with you in order for you to cut ties.

I certainly wouldn't judge someone for being NC with their family. On the contrary, I'm judgemental of those that are judgemental towards others!

I'm NC with my father. He abandoned us as kids and treated my DM and his kids atrociously so deserves nothing from anyone. My DH is LC with his parents and NC with his siblings. He got fed up with them being judgemental arse holes!

I've been judged for being no contact with my whole family. Then if people find out why I am no contact they judge me for being part of that family so I can't win either way. I just don't talk about it much.

I don't think so, but generally speaking I am very interested in the back stories.

Dh's father is very low contact with most members of his family (he had 5 siblings and has loads of nephews and nieces) and seems to dislike them generally. Dh's mother is the same, although she gets on well with one of her sisters (but hates her dp) and one of her brothers. She is very low contact with her other 2 siblings.

This is all just accepted in their family history.

And yet they both want to maintain a lot of contact with their 2 sons and feel it is very important for the sons to see each other frequently. But DH and his brother have nothing in common and see each other the bare minimum to keep the parents happy - and will probably lose touch after they die. History repeating itself isn't it?

I think there are some families who soldier on regardless and some who can't wait to get away from each other. It isn't always about extreme abuse or rubbishness. Sometimes it is about learned patterns of behaviour.

I wouldn't judge ...I probably would judge a very 'close' family more because my experience is that all the close families I know are dysfunctional, immature with adult 'children ' unable to function as adults even after having their own children.

I would view someone who with careful consideration and just cause goes nc in a more positive manner than these kidults who are incapable of cutting apron strings.

We have had NC with H’s family for 15 years. I would hope people would not be judgemental on a situation they have no knowledge of.

I have a Low Contact relationship with DM. I couldn't handle her rants on the phone anymore (lived at a physical distance anyway). Everything I did was disaproved of. Gaslighting. Emotional blackmail. I began putting the phone down on her when she got going, and stopped phoning her or feeling guilty about the gaps in phoning. She never phoned regularly anyway.

You wouldn't accept people causing that level of pain in any other aspect of life, and these are the people who are supposed to love you and be a support network.

I can actually be more suspicious of very close knit family with strict routines/ rituals and live in eachothers' pockets with no space for independence. The relentless ritual of Sunday Evening Tea was a major factor in a relative's break-up. Trivial distractions such as close family weddings at a distance were unacceptable reasons to deviate from the ritual
Not a healthy dynamic either.

Being NC on both sides of a family isn't that surprising. Both parties may find solidarity in similar backgrounds. One half going NC may empower the other half. Lower tolerance for poor behaviour

I dread to think of conclusions that people would come to if they knew my entire family had disowned me so I just say that I don't have any!

We only talk family when close,other than vague references.

I would never judge another adult for their family

It depends really. I'd find it a bit odd if all the other family members were in contact, but just one person had nothing to do with them.

However, unless you know the reasons it's unwise to judge.

Your reasons are valid. I'm close with all my family, but I know some people who've told me how awful their parents were and are... and I just think... why do you still even talk to them. I'm suprised they remain in contact.

Really awful stuff...like saying they wish they'd never been born.
Or constant put downs and criticism.... and even being unkind to the grandchildren.

If my parents behaved like that... I wouldn't bother with them.

I'm as-little-contact-as-possible with most of my family. There have been long periods of no contact at all. I'm very honest about how distant it all is but there are some reasons behind the silence that I don't necessarily want people to know (because my family really are jaw-droppingly shite!) but there's more than enough I don't mind talking about for most people to understand. I'll always try to explain but don't ask me to justify. I'm also very very lucky to have a BF with a very similar situation. However I've been very judged by one or two people over the years, but usually those who lacking empathy generally or who treat anything they deem 'not normal' as a contagious disease. Oh to live in a world as a perfect as theirs! Reasons don't have to be red flags.

No I don't judge. I have a difficult relationship and felt the same. Never talked about it and became depressed. When I did I realised many people have similar and no one is in a position to judge.

If I learned you were NC with some family members, in the first instance I wouldn't judge. I would assume your family are difficult. (On some level I know there are two sides to every story, but I tend to be sympathetic to the person in front of me!! If you're the person I know, I'll assume you are the innocent party unless you've given me reason to think otherwise.)

Discovering that there are people on both sides of the family with whom you are NC would make me curious and would plant a seed of doubt as to whether perhaps it might be you or your DP who's difficult, rather than the relatives. I wouldn't judge, but I'd be more open to that possibility IYKWIM.