To ask if you judge people who have no contact with their families?

[GreenTeacup]

I have been happily married to my DH for 18 years. We have been NC with his family for 5 years. His Dad is a bully who would belittle everyone. His mum would support him doing it. When we realised that our children felt uncomfortable around them, we started to have less contact and after an event at my sons birthday, we cut contact for good. As a result we have NC with DH’s siblings.

On my side I have little contact with my siblings. My DB has always done his own thing and my sister and I are NC. This was my choice after years of lies and gaslighting. She took my memories and claimed them as her own, is a constant victim of life in general and happily lies.

Although I wish we had a big close extended family, we don’t and I have come to terms with my decision.

When I meet new people I don’t like to talk about family and when asked just say that we have never been close.

Just recently I had a new acquaintance state that it was a red flag for her in friendships if that person was NC with several family members. I also read the same on MN about meeting a man who had NC with his family.

Can I have your thoughts?

Going NC with both sets of families in a relationship would to me indicate maybe the issue is you. Especially if you’ve got a trail of NC friends, bosses who hated you/bullied you etc.

I've been NC with my mother and her family for over 30 years and I find myself admiring people who go NC for goods reasons and are able to maintain it because it is actually harder than having limited contact or continuing contact. I believe that we are 'conditioned' to accept that we should treat family that abuse us as if they are decent/loving people who love us and sweep the bad stuff under the carpet.

Yes, I have been judged by others when I reveal that I 'have' no mother & why. I would say that 80% of people recoil from me and the other 20% don't. To the ones who recoil I show them my very prominent scar on my arm from a cigarette burn (mother's lover stubbed his cigarette out on my arm to ensure that I didn't tell my dad of their affair while she watched & encouraged him) and I ask would you remain in contact with someone who did this and would you let them see your children? It makes the recoilers feel uncomfortable and the friendship usually dies at that point. The 20% are the people I keep in my life.

If being NC is best and better for you, your DP and DC's then ignore what the 'recoilers' say. These days I tend to side step the issue with new people and just say that I don't have a mother and they nearly always assume that she died and that I can't talk about it but I'm happy to be truthful if people ask. Being NC is hard work and I would trust a person committed to NC more than people who don't have the will/backbone/balls to maintain it for good reasons.
If you have good reasons (ie not 'flakey' NC as a method of control & drama creation) then you have nothing but my respect and admiration.

I don’t volunteer the information that I am NC with my mother, but I am a very private person. I do think people would want to understand and therefore ask lots of questions. and talking about my family history is very upsetting. I’m not sure if that is judging.

Anyone who “judges” people for being nc with family must be smug, naive and utterly clueless about the existence of physical, emotional and sexual abuse within families.
Victims need support and encouragement with maintaining their nc position, which requires incredible courage and strength, rather than judgement from some ignorant outsider with delusions that all families automatically love each other purely through sharing some DNA.

It's just another one of the shit things that you have to live with if your family are batshit mental. I don't talk about my mum off of Mumsnet but it comes up in normal conversation sometimes, how's your mum, do you get back to visit your family often or whatever. I mean I'd much rather deal with the judgement than actually have my mother back in my life.

My ex partner was like this. He told me that his family were awful and did all these terrible things to him.

It turned out my ex partner was a violent bully with a history of DV. His family had disowned him.

I have compassion. Not judgement

I am old enough and ugly enough to realise that huge suffering precedes NC

IME the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. For me it’s the actively going NC i.e. declaring it to be that way that raises a bit of an eyebrow. I think it’s perfectly possible to just not speak to people rather than to actively avoid any contact with them including refusing to go to family events if they’re there etc.

Also friendships. You often see posts on here saying “should I end the friendship? Do people actively have to end a friendship rather than just let it fizzle out? Yes friends can be toxic but the whole actively ending a friendship just seems all about the drama

And someone who goes NC with all manner of people is the common denominator so it’s not unreasonable to think that perhaps the issue is with the one rather than the many, iyswim. Equally though the same can be said if one person has had several people cut contact with them.

My DP works with a woman and they used to be friends. Her daughter went NC with her a few years ago and the blame was laid at the door of the DD’s bf, the woman was a victim, craving sympathy etc. However as time has gone on it’s become apparent that she has a bit of a habit of falling out with people, not visibly but actively taking against them and some have started to take this on board and cut contact with her accordingly. Recently DP came under fire and I reminded him that he’s not the first. And then said to him that he needs to bear in mind that this woman’s own daughter has cut her off so perhaps she is the issue and not the daughter? The light has begun to dawn. But she will swear till she’s blue in the face that she’s a victim.

Equally however I have a family member who cuts contact with people at the drop of a hat, and claims it’s because they’re all bad people. They’re not. Not that bad that you would actively cut them out of your life. But this person is a bitter individual who wants things their own way always or it’s NC. That’s not healthy either.

Going NC with both sets of families in a relationship would to me indicate maybe the issue is you. Especially if you’ve got a trail of NC friends, bosses who hated you/bullied you etc

My therapist said that people who are abused as kids are more likely to be bullied as adults and are likely to end up in a relationship with someone who is a bully or who had a similar upbringing. Lightning does indeed strike twice. A lot of the people who that's happened to are probably quite difficult people as well, like people with borderline personality disorder often have a history like that, no fault of their own. Me myself I'm sort of able to deal with my own issues but I find it hard to be close friends with people so maybe multiple NCs is a good predictor of someone who's not going to be your next best buddy but please try to understand that plenty of us get this drama in our lives without wanting it.

Most of our family are no contact with an Aunt who has narcissistic personality disorder and ruined our lives and abused us for years. The trouble is she’s so charming that people outside of the family think we are liars or very cruel people to have cut her out of our lives. It had genuinely got to the point where it was life or death for some older family members with her. She’s an evil poisonous liar and thief.

But the wider community blame us and so we’ve been ostracised in our town and our religious community with people judging our family very harshly.

I probably would have done before I met DH, because I was young and had not experienced anyone who had cut off family members. All my friends growing up had parents who were still together, my family is small but close. DH was a middle child of 7, and two of his brothers are narcissists. His dad was not very nice to them in many ways. DSS1 went off the rails and robbed DH blind to get money for drugs. DH was very low contact with them all apart from DSS1 and DSS2, who lived with him full time.

Having known what DH had to put up with as a child (physical and sexual abuse) I can understand why he didn't want to keep in touch and risk exposing his kids to that. Some of their life choices are questionable and he only really had contact with one brother and one sister.

When he died, they all turned up in floods of tears of regret and said they wished they were closer, apart from his sister who said she thought they were all hypocrites. One BIL has criticised the funeral arrangements I made because he thought cremation is disgusting and disrespectful. I am completely content never to speak to him again.

And I’d add we don’t volunteer the information about being NC, she does or people ask to be nosey “How is B doing these days?” and we have to say we aren’t in touch.

For me it’s the actively going NC i.e. declaring it to be that way that raises a bit of an eyebrow

I didn’t publicly declare to anyone that I was NC with them. I was actually being jumped between the silent treatment and attacks anyway so it was very minimal.

I think NC gets confused with The Silent treatment which is a method to abuse and control the victim.

But for me, declaring to myself that I was NC was a way to take back my own control. It allowed me to draw a line, think about boundaries and start thinking about my future away from the stress.

Stating NC can be a very powerful step forward for some people.

Judgement wouldn't be the word of use. If someone is no contact with a few family members tahts fair enough. I'm sure there are reasons. But a couple that is no contact with all extended family on both sides does make me wonder a bit if there is something up with the couple. Not a red flag necessarily but I would be a bit cautious.

I'm sure you have your reasons but for someone who is in contact with an average family it is hard to understand cutting ties with everyone.

It's a great privilege to be able to judge people for having NC with family. I'd love for my situation to be different and have a big happy extended family, but I was dealt a different hand in life. Would very much like to be given the benefit of the doubt there, which thankfully I always have been by friends, although I do wonder what my DP's huge, extremely close family think about it.

Name changed.

Absolutely no judgement from me. I am not close to my parents but we send WhatsApp messages and emails to each other, to update on key events. I am in closer contact with my brother, whom I love very much.

Dh has NC with his DB. I have to say our lives are calmer without him in our lives. It causes problems with my Dfil because he feels he has to tread very carefully, and his loyalties become divided. Dh doesn't stop his DF seeing BiL, in fact he denies his existence, and his DN's existence, altogether. I still send DN's birthday cards and Christmas presents, but I never get a response. My feelings are the actions of their father are not their fault, and that their auntie still thinks about them sometimes. Dh knows I still send them stuff. He wonders why I bother. I say I hope that when they are old enough they'll see their father's true character, and they can make their own minds in the future if they want to contact us.

DH has a much less toxic relationship with his best friend and is closer to his friend's kids. A surrogate brother and DN/DNeph. Sometimes creating your own version of "family" is a lot less stressful than putting up with the one given to you to paraphrase Queer Eye

Nope. I wouldn't.

I' don't talk to my cousin and I won't. I try to limit my exposure to my father. It's about protecting myself.

@Foslady
"No-one makes the decision lightly"
Although many/most may think long and hard about it, I know people who have made the decision to go NC for over the most trivial things and with multiple people. It seems to be the default for some.

I have a family member who went NC with another. I know the circumstances and it is extremely trivial. It is, sadly, an easy way out for some as it is harder to grow up and deal with life in a mature way. It then, unfortunately, impacts on extended family and planning their lives too.

Answering the OP, I wouldn't judge without knowing the circumstances but would find it curious if someone is NC with both sides of their family/families. Tbh, I would *secretly" wonder if they were the common denominator.

If people want to judge me for not being in contact with my mother, then judge away, I broke free at long last and I feel proud of myself and much happier x

I am NC with one sister and I wish it wasn’t so. Her behaviour over many years is shocking. She steals and lies there is a huge amount to the story but this next bit is the worst. She ran off with our older sisters DH while our sister was in hospital. I don’t care about the well he made the vows line I will never understand why she stooped so low. They lasted a couple of years. I had NC for three years. I missed her though and then over a period of about ten years I let her back in to my life, we live 250 miles away.

She came to stay at my house and I treated her to meals and cocktails out and we were having a whale of a time. Then she made a pass at my DH, he told me. I didn’t have it out with her but it affected me horribly. I had really wanted her back in my life. On her return she messaged DH saying it would be funny to msg directly as it would upset Adversecamber22.

The woman has something deeply wrong with her. We had childhoods that were bizarre and abusive. She is now alone as no one will speak to her. She is a parasite who enjoys inflicting pain on others. Even as a small child her behaviour was extreme. She would lie to Mother and could cry on demand. It meant a beating for me. I can see her now laughing silently behind Mother enjoying me pleading my case that I had done nothing wrong. No I don’t judge.

I find people who judge have never experienced a shitty parent/sibling. And bloody lucky for them.

I am LC with my mother and sister. Sister is NC with our father. I have a fantastic relationship with my father.

I have had 'oh, but you only have the one mum' and it makes me SEETHE.

and lots of for all of us who know what it's like.

I'm nc with my mother's family , they treated her appallingly and none of them know how not to lie , she can't let the relationships go but I know I don't have to be involved so that's ok . I never announced to them that I was going nc I just did it .

I think sometimes there is judgement and it's another reason that makes it hard to decide and then maintain NC, because you doubt yourself.

In my family there was/ is a golden child/ scapegoat situation. Guess which one I am, lol. I wasn't that bothered really until we both had children and it was so obvious in many ways that my sister's children were preferred and adored, my son was not treated badly but I had the feeling he was a bit "surplus to requirements". I stepped up my efforts (visits, communication) with my parents but it just showed even more starkly that they weren't really interested. So hurtful, i backed off again but not properly LC at that point.

After many years of trying and multiple miscarriages I finally had our second child in 2014. My sister was jealous that I had a girl and she didn't and refused to see it speak to me. Honestly this is true. My parents would only see my daughter in secret, won't put up photos of her in their house, because golden sister must not be upset at any cost.

I'm now very LC with my parents. See them twice a year, send birthday cards etc. Sometimes I think it's more than they deserve but I can't quite stop. I do love them despite everything. I think they love me too (just not as much as my sister). And yes one of the reasons is that I'm worried about how unreasonable I will look off I cut them off. I've never shaken off my "difficult teenager" image and I think that's how I would look.

Earlier this year I was very stressed (got a promotion at work and struggled with extra workload and responsibilities) and got into the pattern of self destructive behaviours. I had 6 sessions with a fabulous therapist who weren't right back into all the family stuff and concluded:
You're not fucked up, you're just really busy and you have a shit family. (Paraphrasing here!) I can't tell you how validating that was. I had always felt that somehow it was my fault. It isn't. But I'm still worried other people will see it like that.

Sorry for the essay.

I have scan read the thread, because it will be full of anecdotes -much like mine is !

A red flag is massively raised when A Person systematically falls out with other people. I had (past tense) an acquaintance like that , life was always a drama, 'besties' one minute and some imagined fall out the next. She was hard work, really hard work.

I have known people who systematically fall out with every one ... mum, dad, siblings, aunts, cousins and the common denominator is THAT PERSON, its not the family, it's them. I generally find those people tend to be self-obsessed, manipulative and determined to portray themselves as a victim.

A lot is through sibling jealousy - this perception of 'black sheep' . We can all look at our wider circle and see a family where one off spring is horrible, no other word for it (now that may be abusive, violent, manipulative etc) and they love to portray themselves as isolated out from the family -well if you are a druggie, steal from your family, hit your sister etc then that’s going to be the case that no one really trusts you in the house. .

Actually this reminds me of another friend, now acquaintance; she fell out with all her family, every single one, tried to turn sister against sister, get her mother to take sides; she only has one close friend left, her work colleagues keep away ..... but she thinks she is a victim who chose to go NC with her family. As an aside, she used to get rip roaring pissed, cry, break down, wander round drunkenly hanging off everyones husband, telling them her sorry tale of woe, how no one liked or loved her and we all looked at each other and said 'this is why' , and one by one we fell away too. She still is manipulative and poisonous.

honeylulu. Do what’s right for you.

Apart from the fact that you really shouldn’t worry what anyone else thinks, only an absolute idiot would judge you for going NC with your parents after them treating your DC like that.

I understand the complicated nature of despising their behaviour but still ‘loving’ them. I don’t think it is you loving them though, I think it’s a deep seated desire to have your parents love and validate you. If your own parents don’t even love you fully, you MUST be unlovable right? Except that’s not true. Not at all. Some parents are simply the problem, nothing to do with the perfectly lovable ‘child’ but it’s so deep seated it’s hard to get past that. It’s why grief for a parent you’re NC with or were abused by etc is very, very difficult.

Do what’s best for you and screw what anyone else thinks, they’re not you 🌷