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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you judge people who have no contact with their families?

113 replies

GreenTeacup · 29/03/2019 06:32

I have been happily married to my DH for 18 years. We have been NC with his family for 5 years. His Dad is a bully who would belittle everyone. His mum would support him doing it. When we realised that our children felt uncomfortable around them, we started to have less contact and after an event at my sons birthday, we cut contact for good. As a result we have NC with DH’s siblings.

On my side I have little contact with my siblings. My DB has always done his own thing and my sister and I are NC. This was my choice after years of lies and gaslighting. She took my memories and claimed them as her own, is a constant victim of life in general and happily lies.

Although I wish we had a big close extended family, we don’t and I have come to terms with my decision.

When I meet new people I don’t like to talk about family and when asked just say that we have never been close.

Just recently I had a new acquaintance state that it was a red flag for her in friendships if that person was NC with several family members. I also read the same on MN about meeting a man who had NC with his family.

Can I have your thoughts?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 29/03/2019 06:37

I don’t think it’s a red flag when someone has chosen not to speak to their family.
I think when someone says their family don’t speak to them anymore such as your sister would say then I do wonder what’s caused someone’s family to go NC with them. That’s quite different to the person who has decided not to speak to their family.
If someone has made the decision not to speak to their own family I normally assume that there are some very good reasons behind that which means they have taken that decision to protect themselves.

Parly · 29/03/2019 06:38

I don't judge people at all for what sort of relationship they have with their families and don't think you should worry about it either.

Some families live in each other's pockets happily, some tolerate each other and some just don't have a close relationship for whatever reason but it doesn't reflect on you at all.

We get no choice in who our families are and if it so happens we don't like them - there's no need to try and pretend otherwise.

Whoever said they considered it a red flag is not someone I'd give the shiniest shit about not least because we have no idea about someone's history and family dynamics which may be much deeper, darker and far less simple.

Tell them to go and shit. Don't worry or let comments worry you.

You're good

kalooKalayNoWorkToday · 29/03/2019 06:38

I suppose it is in a way. My friend is also nc with her family. It has given her a fair amount of emotional baggage to deal with and she also struggles to maintain friendships. She is very dependent on me for emotional support because I'm all she has.

I would say those are red flags for some people, wouldn't you? Not for me because I've known her pre getting away from her family so I love her to bits no matter what.

Saying that, I'm sure we ALL have red flags of our own for different people.

CurlyRover · 29/03/2019 06:39

I wouldn't judge but then both DP and I are NC with most of our own families. Personally if it's someone I'm close to I'd be curious as to why but I wouldn't push it if they didn't want to talk about it. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for it, some of us have rubbish families 🤷‍♀️

kalooKalayNoWorkToday · 29/03/2019 06:39

Oh and I wouldn't judge or consider it a red flag for me personally. Just trying to see why some might believe that. I don't believe it's a "red flag" for not being friends or dating someone myself.

Iggly · 29/03/2019 06:40

I am NC and yes it would raise a question in my mind if others are. Why?

Because there are two sides to every story!

MissHemsworth · 29/03/2019 06:42

I went NC with my sister a while back & limited contact with my mum. I got ALOT of judgemental comments from people. Tbh it's the last thing you need when you're going through something like that.

TabbyMumz · 29/03/2019 06:42

Entirely your choice and no one else's business. We are nc with parts of my partners family. I must admit though if someone told me they were nc with all their family, ie both sides, I would think that was a little interesting and wonder why.

Auramigraine · 29/03/2019 06:43

Me and my partner similar situation to yours, NC with his family for 5 years. I wouldn’t judge people myself, purely because I have seen the work of OHs family behind closed doors and how they act so different in front of people, they are complete narcissists and they have put me and OH through hell. They continue to do so whenever they can. I had never met a woman who can act so nice to The outside world but so evil to her own flesh and blood, it was frightening. Hell would freeze over before I allowed them any access to my children.

I thought the same as you and thought people would judge, but people my OH have seen who know his family since it has happened, have either said ‘it’s none of my business’ and not held it against him, Or even told my OH their stories of having to cut contact with their families for their well-being. I was very surprised. I don’t talk about it much in real life, not through shame but just I’m a private person as it is.

scaryteacher · 29/03/2019 06:44

I might wonder why they were NC. I am with User above though. We and my bils family, so 7 of us, are all NC with mil, so 4 adults, and 3 GC ( who are all over 23 now). I think that says more about her than us, and might make people wonder why we cut contact.

GuineaPiglet345 · 29/03/2019 06:44

No, since I’ve been working in a job that requires checking people’s backgrounds I’ve found that people being NC with families seems to be a lot more common than I would have first thought.

TidyDancer · 29/03/2019 06:45

I think it certainly raises questions but I'm not sure if I would regard it as a red flag. Maybe.

If it's happened several times over for different reasons I suppose I would wonder if maybe my friend was the issue and not their family. But my assumption would be that there was good reason for it as a default.

Becles · 29/03/2019 06:47

People do judge harshly. Look at Meghan markle and all the comments about her, despite lots of evidence of how toxic her family can be.

Tokenjester · 29/03/2019 06:48

I’m not sure that they do judge, but it certainly FEELS like they do! It’s hardly a red flag to others that I’m awful - it just means I don’t get on with my family for reasons that any sane person would agree with!

Suddenrealisation123 · 29/03/2019 06:48

To be honest, from my own experienced, I would be “concerned” that you are nc with a couple of people on both sides. I had an ex friend who was nc with several members of family and then had fallen out with a group of friends. Felt sorry for her,gradually realised she was the problem not her family and friends....

Janecon · 29/03/2019 06:49

I know someone who is NC with her family. She is the most toxic, self obsessed, narcissistic person I've ever met. She's tried - thankfully unsuccessfully so far - to alienate her partner from his children and grandchildren. So, yes, I might judge. There are always 2 sides to every story and it helps to hear both.

NoCauseRebel · 29/03/2019 06:51

I don’t know about red flag, but I do think that there is usually two sides to any story, and I also think that people are often far too quick to claim that they are “NC” with family these days.

There is IMO a huge difference between just not having any contact and actively choosing to go no contact, and I would wonder what the latter is about especially if there is no contact on both sides.

I have a family member who frequently cuts people off for the most ridiculous of reasons and tbh I think it’s them and not the people who they are cutting off who are at fault here.

But I think that actively going 0 contact and making a deal of doing that is often met with a lot of drama from the NC-goer. Serious abuse aside I’m not sure why anyone needs to declare a state of NC, just don’t get in contact with them, but it can be done without making a huge deal of it.

It also sends an interesting message to the DC IMO if they grow up learning to just cut off people who have pissed them off.

Comet456 · 29/03/2019 06:51

What about LC v NC?

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/03/2019 06:53

I have met so many people who are NC with some of the families. It’s very common. People who I viewed as having ‘perfect families’, but when I got to know them I found that they were far from it.

I do judge a bit, yes, as I have seen so many people in MN go NC over very trivial things.

SwimmingKaren · 29/03/2019 06:54

Some people just have rubbish families and it’s a shame. I think being NC with several different family members on each of your sides could possibly make it seem from the outside that you guys are the common denominator iyswim but I wouldn’t think anything of it as above - some people just get unlucky. Did the friend know you didn’t speak to your family when she said that?

WhatshouldIpay · 29/03/2019 06:56

I am NC with my brother and sister, who constitute my only remaining family (but was extremely close to my Mum who brought us up) and have terminated friendships abruptly when a line has been crossed and someone has taken advantage of my good nature once too often.

There's always a backstory to NC, and to assume it is a red flag without investigation indicates your new friend has no idea about boundaries.

Hyacintharehighersincelasttime · 29/03/2019 06:59

I knew someone in RL who didn't have anything to do with her mother, It is sad but other people's families are their business.

Original poster

GreenTeacup · 29/03/2019 06:59

Thank you for your responses.

I had CBT therapy after my sister. The final nail was a prolonged attack from her and I found that I could no longer trust myself or my memories/beliefs. It was a really hard time. She had a baby a while back and I made the decision to remain NC and this didn’t go down well with the rest of my family. We still have contact but it is cordial.

I have had many comments but I find by far the most common is that people assume that it is easy for me. I get “I could never go NC, they are family” comments all the time. I actually think that I am a magnet for people to moan about their families as if I might understand but then I get the backhanded “what can you do, their family” type comments.

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 29/03/2019 07:01

I wouldn’t judge. I’d feel sad that such a situation had come about for them. A good friend is NC with her mother, because she was treated horrendously by her while growing up. She has terrible mental health issues as a result.

Happyspud · 29/03/2019 07:03

No I don’t. And if I’m looking to date someone, I judge them on their own behaviour so having no contact with their family wouldn’t be a red flag but how they speak about it and what they tell me might be. If they said ‘we always just ended up getting into a physical fight’ or ‘they are all total fuckers, never listen to me blah blah blah’ but said with self important arrogance then I’d be clocking that. But I’d be putting it together with how they speak about friends and service staff and how they behave when drunk to see what the overall picture of this person was. If they told me sadly they can’t be around their family for personal reasons, then carefully judged my trustworthiness with bits of information about that over time, I’d see no red flag in that. Possibly the opposite,

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