To ask if you judge people who have no contact with their families?

[GreenTeacup]

I have been happily married to my DH for 18 years. We have been NC with his family for 5 years. His Dad is a bully who would belittle everyone. His mum would support him doing it. When we realised that our children felt uncomfortable around them, we started to have less contact and after an event at my sons birthday, we cut contact for good. As a result we have NC with DH’s siblings.

On my side I have little contact with my siblings. My DB has always done his own thing and my sister and I are NC. This was my choice after years of lies and gaslighting. She took my memories and claimed them as her own, is a constant victim of life in general and happily lies.

Although I wish we had a big close extended family, we don’t and I have come to terms with my decision.

When I meet new people I don’t like to talk about family and when asked just say that we have never been close.

Just recently I had a new acquaintance state that it was a red flag for her in friendships if that person was NC with several family members. I also read the same on MN about meeting a man who had NC with his family.

Can I have your thoughts?

Uncomfortable with op being NC with her DH family, feels like OP has made the decision on behalf of her DH, we realised the children were uncomfortable
but it is not my business,
I dont like the thought of going NC with family.

Going NC with family members seems a lot more common on MN than in IRL

I only know 1 person IRL (My DM's best friend) whose is NC with her daughter (the daughter's decision) and I must admit that although she seems lovely I do always wonder what the other side of the story is

I wouldn't see it is a red flag necessarily but would be curious, especially if you & partner are both NC with family members on both sides then it might make me cautious if if just met you

You can fall out with your family but it shouldn't be a forever situation, imo

There's always a backstory to NC, and to assume it is a red flag without investigation indicates your new friend has no idea about boundaries.

This. I am nc with an aunt who made life miserable growing up then crossed a major line, and dp is now going through similar. No one makes the decision lightly and it’s usually the result of a lot of heart ache.

If someone told me that they didn't have much contact with their family, or had gone no contact, I cannot stress enough how much that would not change my opinion of them. We never know the histories and traumas of other people and so judging someone based on going no contact seems highly childish and unreasonable to me.

Also, IMO, it's not 'sad' that people are no contact. If they've made that decision it's likely the best thing for them.

I understand that some families can be toxic, so I wouldn't judge if someone was NC with certain members of their family. However, if someone said that they were NC with both sides of the family, I'd probably wonder whether they were a significant part of the problem. There are usually two sides to every story, and if someone is falling out with people left, right and centre, it's likely that they're at least partly responsible.

I think people who judge or say it's a red flag are very naive and lack the ability to consider that not everyone has had a positive relationship with their family. They must lack emotional intelligence or empathy.

It implies that a victim is to blame for something they had no control over.

I wouldn't judge you, I possibly would judge the person making the ill informed comment...

I would find it odd that someone was NC with several family members on both sides and I might be inclined to think it might be them that has the issue (I'm not referring to you OP, I'm thinking of someone I know who seems to fall out with anyone at the drop of a hat)
I have family members who I don't always get on with, some close members I have little in common with, but I tend to think that if we do disagree we can do so and still maintain some kind of relationship. That might not be right for everyone but it's what I'm comfortable with.

Uncomfortable with op being NC with her DH family, feels like OP has made the decision on behalf of her DH, we realised the children were uncomfortable

DH was never close to them. Relationships improved when we had DC mainly because I believed DC should know their GP. DH wanted to cut contact several times over the years. Only when I saw the effect on DC did I agree to LC and then after the birthday incident The only decision I made was to not support the GP or play pacifier anymore. GP have never tried to speak to DH about it. Despite all this MIL is a lovely woman but is blinded by her DH. If I thought we could have a relationship with her then it would be welcomed but sadly she has made it clear that this is not an option.

With my sister there was no drama from our side. I just stopped responding but abs the attacks have continued over the years, I guess you can call it NC. I tried a brief period of LC with her a couple of years ago but ended up right back there. If by some miracle she contacts me and shows even a little sign of acknowledgment, then I would try and mend our relationship. It is all I have ever wanted. She is not a nasty person but she has to be able to meet me half way and stop attacking.

I'd be worried that you are in your own little family bubble op, but it isnt important what I and other strangers feel

I'd be worried that you are in your own little family bubble op, but it isnt important what I and other strangers feel

Thankfully Both DH and I have several supportive friendships that have lasted over 10 years. We holiday with some and spend Christmas with others so I guess you can say we are as close as some families.

I guess this is just a huge trigger for me. Even though I feel I have come to terms with the situation, I still feel deeply ashamed.

My DM has a few plethora of emotional issues and she's gone NC with many, many, many people. All her siblings, her mother, her neice, and all of her friends one by one. And she goes for long periods not speaking to me, but I'm the only one she seems to miss and get back in touch with after a few months of being outrageously angry.

She doesn't know how to work through a disagreement or percieved criticism and boom, they're gone. I wish she could see that it's her reaction and it's not the world out to hurt her.

But there's a far more common situation in that people need to protect themselves from toxic people and family members.

The thing with toxic family members is that those members can be entwined in a larger toxic family dynamic, so it can sometimes be necessary to remove yourself from a whole family section. I would never judge anyone for being no contact with anyone.

I would assume there was a very good reason and they had good self esteem and healthy boundaries to put themselves in that protective position.

My mother's boundary button is definitely malfunctioning but it's how she copes, so I try not to judge her either.

I'd be worried that you are in your own little family bubble op

I don't know why that's a bad thing?

The phrase "fall out with" makes this sound trivial. I was "brought up" by two parents who were badly dysfunctional and abusive, my dad had a real issue with women in particular and made my teenage years an absolute misery while my mother looked on and did nothing and sometimes actively joined in. (She still denies that this is what happened.) Neither of them sought out therapy or counselling, even when I was having a serious breakdown (attempted suicide aged 15) and when both my brothers were in repeatedly breaking the law (non-violent offences, daft things, but an indication of how lost they were, and in effect unparented.) Every now and then my mother would decide that I ought to be her unpaid marriage guidance counsellor and therapist. . .which meant crossing virtually every boundary and telling me all sorts of disturbing stuff about my father, his sexual behaviour, etc etc.. . .In short, I am very low contact with my mother (my father is now dead). She shows no remorse, no understanding, still won't go for any kind of therapy or counselling, and still behaves abusively and with no regard to boundaries.

I belong to a closed group on Fb which discusses these and similar issues and I am yet to read even a single account on there by someone who appears to have gone NC or LC with a family member for reasons that are remotely trivial. People can judge all they like (some of them do) but they have not lived my life.

Going NC is not a decision taken lightly and will have only been taken after years of hurtful and toxic actions, often by people who are supposed to love and care for you. Often it's only when children are involved and start being harmed by toxic behaviours that people decide to go fully NC.

The decision to go NC can be hard and may bring its own problems but is often still the better alternative to remaining in a situation which can affect mental or physical health.

I wouldn't judge. Perhaps it's because I know someone who really ought to cut contact with their abusive family but wont because "famurleee".
But then it's not up to me to police other people's family relationships.

God no, I’m NC with my mum and that’s my choice because she was an abusive parent. Most people who know I am NC worh her knownthe reasons why.
There are a million reasons why someone may feel they have to be NC with thier family and to be honest I judge people who judge people for it!

If I learned someone had NC with family I’d probably think we might have common ground! I’m more suspicious of people who seem controlled by their family while acting like it’s all perfect, to be honest.

I've found that people do judge if you go nc with family or people if they find ojt trying to persuade you to talk to them even though they know nothing of the reasons why.

"but she's your mum! You can't not talk to your mum"
Yes you can if she's a horrible manipulative person!

I suppose it could be a red flag - as in, you are the common denominator so there must be something about you - but you have no way of knowing. Maybe someone is NC because the person abused them as a child, or slept with their husband, or stole something important from them... The list is endless really. Families are very complicated and you have no idea what's happened. I have a complicated family myself so I would reserve judgement unless I had more information, but I don't know that everyone would.

It wouldn't be a red flag for me, but it would raise a question mark, if I hadn't known them long.

That is based on my own (very limited) experience of people who have fallen out with their entire family - it has always been linked with a tendency to fall out with others too.

No it is not, families can be toxic, one has to look after yourself and your own mental health, you would leave or cut yiurself off from an abusive partner, why are families just because you are related. I would judge her and not want her as my friend, HER behaviour would be a big red flag.

No, I'd feel sorry for them perhaps, because of the lack of support. I have challenging family members on both sides so I'd assume theirs were worse. Families are random and I sometimes think it's amazing so many do get on.

Families can be absusive and toxic, if you don't know the background than you cannot judge unless you walked in the persons shoes.

My DH is no contact with his brother. It is actually considerably less stressful and drama filled than when he was in contact. There was no big flounce, just a final straw which meant that DH could no longer tolerate having him in his life or in our DC's life. I know it has massively hurt MIL but DH's relationship with her is superficial at best and I maintain it mostly. However, their relationship is such, directly as a result of how she blatently sided with BIL over the years including in the gin l straw incident and, even though BIL was clearly and undeniably in the wrong, she just couldn't bring herself to stop backing the golden child.

Having said that, DH is in contact with other people, doesn't have issues with friendships and relationships generally and we are aware of other people who have all cut BIL out through entirely unrelated reasons so I am inclined to think BIL is the common denominator rather than DH.