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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you judge people who have no contact with their families?

113 replies

GreenTeacup · 29/03/2019 06:32

I have been happily married to my DH for 18 years. We have been NC with his family for 5 years. His Dad is a bully who would belittle everyone. His mum would support him doing it. When we realised that our children felt uncomfortable around them, we started to have less contact and after an event at my sons birthday, we cut contact for good. As a result we have NC with DH’s siblings.

On my side I have little contact with my siblings. My DB has always done his own thing and my sister and I are NC. This was my choice after years of lies and gaslighting. She took my memories and claimed them as her own, is a constant victim of life in general and happily lies.

Although I wish we had a big close extended family, we don’t and I have come to terms with my decision.

When I meet new people I don’t like to talk about family and when asked just say that we have never been close.

Just recently I had a new acquaintance state that it was a red flag for her in friendships if that person was NC with several family members. I also read the same on MN about meeting a man who had NC with his family.

Can I have your thoughts?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 29/03/2019 10:21

It’s not a red flag for me. Every family dynamic is different and none of anyone’s business but that family. I dont understand how it can be a red flag for a friendship, she won’t know and is never likely to know the story behind the reason for nc. I am a great believer in accepting people for who they are, and if I like that great, if I don’t then I won’t be friends

weegiemum · 29/03/2019 10:26

I'm nc with my mother for 12 years now. If people ask about family I tend to talk about "my parents", who are my dad and lovely stepmum. I don't go into the why's and wherefores of why I'm nc in general conversations.

villamariavintrapp · 29/03/2019 10:39

I think I judge people who have no contact with their children..

villamariavintrapp · 29/03/2019 10:40

I mean even as adults, wouldnt judge the children for going NC though

Cordlessdoodle · 29/03/2019 10:45

I would say your friend is waving a big red flag herself.

Lack of understanding or empathy. I would steer clear. She may well expect you to regularly justify to her why you are NC and nag for you to forget it because 'they are family'

thecatsthecats · 29/03/2019 10:54

My half sister is NC with my parents.

It is simplest explained by the fact that both her and my mum were somewhat damaged by her father's emotional and physical abuse. Her teens were rough because of this, and my mum's sister (druggie) enabled my sister to go off the rails a little, which my parents were understandably trying to contain. However, from my own experience I know that they were far from ideal parents of teenagers, and between the two, my sister did not have a great model from either side. It culminated in an increasingly distant and strained relationship to a bust up, followed by neither side having the emotional tools to resolve the situation. My sister is still in contact with my vile aunt, who defrauded my GPs when suffering dementia.

All in all a sad but resolvable situation if anyone had the ability to avoid or resolve it. But they don't, so I don't sweat over it.

On the other side, my husband keeps an eye on his mum for any signs of her trying to make everything about her family, as she has isolated her husband from his, mostly, for no good reason as far as he knows. He doesn't want that for us.

clairemcnam · 29/03/2019 11:00

No I do not judge. My brother and SIL are NC with me. But they literally fall out with everyone they ever come into contact with. I used to agree with them all the time just to keep the peace - they are VERY judgemental about everyone else.
My DP has little contact with his brothers who are both very misogynistic and arrogant and put him down constantly as he is not at all macho.
I think when parents die, it is easy to have little contact with remaining family, as there is nothing keeping you together, unless you actually like each other.

Queenunikitty · 29/03/2019 11:09

I wouldn’t judge. I would love to be more LC and plan to go NC with my sibling once our parents have gone. My sibling is completely toxic and always has been. Recently told everyone that my DC has autism when they don’t. Sibling is a doctor so everyone agrees with them. It has made things very difficult for us as a family. No one can know about other’s family dynamic. I agree with PP, I don’t think this person is a very good friend.

Crabbyandproudofit · 29/03/2019 11:34

Well MN does seem to have lots more NC than I have encountered in real life!

Although DH's family have had some incidents. I was fond of his parents and they treated me very well but they went NC with his a relative after he behaved very badly (not directly to them but they got the fallout including police attention). Later, this same relative disappeared out of our lives for many years - his decision because we had no way to contact him but he knew where we were.

I guess I do judge people a bit, particularly if 'everyone' in their life has treated them badly. Not to say this hasn't happened but simply that their emotional baggage might make a relationship with them more difficult. I also admire people who have been able to maintain relationships with family who have/do not treat them well, so long as it is not damaging to them.

Chipsahoy · 29/03/2019 12:09

I'd see it as a red flag if a new friend judged me on being NC with family, without knowing the situation.
I have my own reasons and create my own boundaries and don't need to explain myself to anyone, if a new friend judges me, then they aren't going to remain my friend.

SpamChaudFroid · 29/03/2019 18:48

I'm NC with my mother, and I'm pretty sure the fault doesn't lie with me. She's cut contact with all 11(!) of her siblings and fallen out with every one of her neighbours because they're either "jealous" or attempting to seduce her, (she's 85).

She was physically abusive to my siblings, (not me for some reason) and extremely EA to all of us, carried on into adulthood, doing things like giving all siblings huge sums of money for Christmas, but leaving one out. Constantly sabotaging mine and siblings' relationships. with each other.

In spite of that it was her decision to cut contact with me. We all received an email a couple of weeks after my father died telling us she wanted no more to do with us because we were disgusting people and had ruined 60 years of her life. However, she must have got bored after a year or so of NC with us, because last xmas she sent my siblings a ridiculously large sum of cash but not me.

She's honestly the worst, most awful cunt I've ever met.

HisBetterHalf · 29/03/2019 18:50

No one knows the history between people and their families so they have no right to judge

CSIblonde · 29/03/2019 18:57

I'd never judge anyone for that. Family relationships can be toxic & best left, just like any other relationship. I'm wary who I tell tho. One ex accused me of "not seeming upset" re being NC. I've had years of therapy & am still on anti d's thanks to my mother. I'd known him a year, he didn't know the full story. I moved on from him as I couldn't see him being understanding if I did elaborate. I just tell people she lives in another country & we have never been close. That seems to end people's interest.

Barbie222 · 29/03/2019 19:01

No, I wouldn't judge in the situation you describe. I do know a few people though who seem to be unable to maintain close relationships with anyone, make new circles of friends then spectacularly fall out, constantly reinvent themselves on Facebook and post vague memes, and in all of those cases the problem is clearly with them. So it would really depend on where you are with the other relationships you have in your life.

BarbarianMum · 29/03/2019 19:02

It would make me wary of you until I knew you well enough to know whether you'd chosen to go nc or were being shunned by everybody because you were the toxic one.

MoneyWhatMoney · 29/03/2019 19:06

If I had just met you and you told me you didn't really see your family, I wouldn't judge.

I have only judged 3 people for being NC.
My mum - she went NC with one of her sisters after a stupid row. It was a tantrum then backfired because they were both stubborn. They didn't speak for over 5 years and only really made up just before my aunt passed away.

MIL - she is nice to me and is a really nice person in a lot of ways but she's quite selfish and cuts people off when they call her on it. I think it's guilt because she knows they're right but she's NC with 2 siblings, one of her children, one grandchild, several long time friends.
I judge because none of the fallings Out are that bad, she just sulks.

DHs ex colleague - she said she was NC with her biological children (2) and her adopted children (2) and her siblings.
She gave me an odd vibe, she was always talking about how ungrateful the children were and it was shameful that they treated her this way.
Turns out her husband sexually abused all 4 children, she knew and purposefully went out 2 nights a week so he could do this.

I judged these people because I got to know them and their reasons. In the main, I don't judge because it doesn't effect me therefore it's none of my business.

Bornfreebutinchains · 29/03/2019 19:26

OP it sounds Very much like my situation.

DH is distant with his family and always has Been. Same belittling from mil and fil.
My side I have distant siblings and I simply have nothing in common with them and they tell me what my childhood was like as though I wasn't present in it!

I have tried with my family over the years and DH has. But interacting didn't bring anything positive.

ForalltheSaints · 29/03/2019 19:33

I don't judge though sometimes feel sad that it has arisen, even in situations where it is the best thing to do.

Yogagirl123 · 29/03/2019 19:37

I would never judge, no one goes NC with family, without very good reason.

Treezylover · 29/03/2019 19:37

I’ve recently become NC with my extended family on one side. To say it has broken my heart would be an understatement, they will never know how much their hurtful accusations have affected me. To think that someone would be suspicious if I said I didn’t speak to them is even more upsetting. People can be really cruel, especially if they form a gang, and it definitely isn’t always justified, or worthy of an eyebrow raise.

Riversguidebook · 29/03/2019 19:40

I only ever think that the family have treated Frederica Blogg so badly the absolute last resort was to go NC with her family, especially when it means Frederica’s children will miss out on relationships with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

That’s quite a life decision to make on their kids behalf, so it won’t have been taken lightly by Frederica (insert a shrug emote).

AnnieMay100 · 29/03/2019 19:40

I wouldn’t feel any reason to avoid trusting the person or assume they are too blame. Lots of people cut contact with family and start afresh, it doesn’t mean theyvdone anything wrong or have something to hide. I have minimal contact with my family due to childhood issues, but as they are the only people in my life I worry about no contact at all as I will be alone. From the outside no family and being divorced would possibly make me look like I have issues, but anyone who made assumptions wouldn’t be welcome in my life anyway. So apart from general curiosity I wouldn’t judge or speculate, she sounds like she’s lived a very sheltered life to have those views.

mindutopia · 29/03/2019 20:11

Not at all, I think it’s incredibly brave actually as it’s very hard for many people to set those boundaries. We were NC with a significant close family member for several years due to their minimising of sexual abuse that their partner perpetrated on a family member. Best decision we could have made and I’m very grateful we did. I wasn’t our fault we had someone so dysfunctional close to us, so certainly can’t blame anyone else!

SunshineCake · 29/03/2019 20:15

I would never judge and I am well aware there is nearly always a very good reason a person stops talking to a relative. If you can't see that or haven't worked it out then you're not very bright.

anniehm · 29/03/2019 20:18

Every family is different. I would somewhat raise an eyebrow to both families being NC as it may indicate the issue is with them not the family but you need to find out why, it could be for unrelated very specific reasons. However my personal experience is that family members (his) who have gone nc with others (not us I might add) did it for trivial reasons we couldn't fathom, you can not agree with family and just be low contact so easily (mil is tolerated 3-4 times a year)