To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

You can see on this thread how hard some women fight against feminism.

it's not fighting feminism as such, but it's more refusing to be portrayed as a victim simply because we are born female - which is exactly what feminists are supposed to want to avoid!
Some people are in a position of inferiority and are tangled in unhealthy and suppressive relationships, don't blame it on them being female, as a gender we are not fragile little things that need looked after.

My girls have a lot more option and have it much easier than my boys - they can do anything they want, become anything they like.

Yes, some people (both male and female) still perpetuate sexism, usually for their own purposes. But at least the vast majority realize that it is wrong

This comment really interested me, as I think there is a lot of truth in it.
Many people might look at my life situation -I don't bring any money in at the mo other than the odd supply day, I do nearly all the house work and child care sorting (tho my kids are 15 and 13 so it isnt much) I pack everyones bags for holidays, do all the washing irong etc you get the picture. -- and say that I am stuck in the 50's and that I shouldn't be dependent on my other half.

However, to me part of feminism is about choice. At the moment I chose to life my life as I do. If I wanted to I could go back to work full time and my husband would support this fully. But in my mind why would I want to go back to the constraints of teaching and all the crap that goes with it just to call my self an independent feminist woman !

well I am thinking that some women have abused and tortured their own children, so some people really are just scum. It's a bit too easy to blame a patriarchy as an excuse for everything.

How many women torture and abuse children? How many men do so? The numbers are simply not comparable. It isn't that women are always perfect innocent victims, but that on a class scale, through the population, men are always the perpetrators, and excused for becoming so. Yet you persist in thinking that poor men are so misunderstood. Women encounter violence just as much as men - but men feel entitled to spread it around, whereas women are more likely to blame themselves, since our culture spreads that message that women are always to blame everywhere. Gender stereotypes hurt both groups, but men are overall take most of the benefits, and women most of the cons.

Your perspective is indeed fed by what you said in your first post - "because I am surrounded by relatively pleasant people". Look outside: anecdotes are not whole class trends.

I would never have got married with a deeply sexist man and put up with someone not taking care of anything. I work in a so-called male environment, and I am the one who ended up promoted when the men were not. I honestly do not witness all that sexism and unfairness everywhere and that gender battle we are supposed to be locked in.

You understand that there's a difference between what you do personally and what happens in society as a whole don't you? So I'm not in an abusive relationship but I understand that other women are and that two women a week are killed by a partner/ex partner for example. The fact that you're ok doesn't mean that others are.

*However some posters who are suddenly realising they are in some kind of victim role seem to do nothing about it. So of course they will see negative everywhere.

That's what I don't understand. If you are aware of something, why on earth are you not changing it?*

I'm not sure what you mean by this one. Who do you think got you the right to vote? Or got you the right to own property? Or fought for equal pay and the right not be raped in marriage? What makes you think feminists aren't changing things?

Feminisim hasn't ruined your life - being married to a knob has. I got rid of my man-child and immediately felt better about it all!

b0bb1n - It's quite possible to be concerned about the rights of women in Afghanistan, Saudi and Sudan, AND in Britain, you know . I'm lucky to have an interesting and well-paid job, but that doesn't mean that the 26 percent gender pay gap in my workplace is OK. It's not an either/or. In fact, I'd argue that women whose consciousness of sexism has been raised, tend to be more rather than less aware of misogyny elsewhere.

Someone gave the example of Fil’s grumpiness. Well, if that’s your definition of misogyny, I think it’s safe to say there’s nothing much wrong in your world. We can change old men but we can raise our sons to be better, that’s where we should be focusing our energy.

@PBo83

Why would you want someone to 'wake up' to something that they don't believe in them just so they can get annoyed about something that doesn't affect them?

Because it's the real world and you should be aware of injustices and support the fight to fix them. Or am I alone in that view?

he poor victim females concept really annoys me. As a mother, I worry equally about my sons and daughters. It's frankly ridiculous to pretend one gender is more at risk than another. Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?Read about the assaults on both male and female in refugees camps

It's frankly ridiculous to pretend one isn't more at risk. Your daughters will have a 1 in 5 chance of sexual assault.

Your son is unlikely to be stabbed.

Can’t change old men, damn it!

Yes, once you see it you can't unsee it.

For me, it was panel shows... always 3 men and 1 woman. And normally a male host (except QI). Similar problem with race. Winds me up every time.

Perhaps you can argue there aren't as many female comedians (although that's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy when you give male comedians more TV time), but there's no reason 'non-comedian' guests can't be female half the time... I'm looking at you Have I Got News For You >:P

Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?
Read about the assaults on both male and female in refugees camps?
Committed by who exactly?
Would that be men by any chance.

TheDailyCarbuncle

I am not looking down at the rights I have been given because others fight for them. I don't understand why, if you know you are in an unhealthy situation and know you have options, you chose not to do anything - and instead put a negative filter on everything around you.
Others in not unhealthy situation don't see things with the same filters.

What I don't accept is the idea that women need to be protected because they are fragile. Children are fragile, women can stand on their own 2 feet just as men can.

Give me decent birth unit instead of these horrendous ghastly communal wards for example, yes, sometimes we must be treated differently (or should be). But for many things, no, we are not victim surrounded by dangerous men.

Because it's the real world and you should be aware of injustices and support the fight to fix them. Or am I alone in that view?

Yes but nobody is going to campaign of 'support the fight' to fix something they don't recognise as a problem.

Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?

Wuh? Who is carrying out those stabbings?

What has that got to do with whether feminism is needed or not?

Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?

It's just occurred to me to wonder why the stabbings and increase in knife crime are getting so much official attention... while the ongoing huge levels of rape and sexual harassment are not. Par for the course, ain't it, nothing to see here.

Who said women need to be protected because they are fragile? I've never heard that said by any feminist.

PBo83
Why would you want someone to 'wake up' to something that they don't believe in them just so they can get annoyed about something that doesn't affect them?

Because what happens to other people matters. Or at least it should if you give a shit about anyone other than yourself.

if not fragile, at least at risk.

I used to think there was no problem etc but I have had a gradual awakening. I moved to another European country where sexism is rife. It is unbelievable. I got involved with a local man and was with him for five years.
He really opened my eyes. He made out that he wasn't sexist and that he was for equality etc but all of a sudden he turned and expected me to do all of the housework, to make his meals, to tend to his every need, to have sex with him when he wanted to but leave him alone if he was tired after his long working day (er... I also work but anyway...). Then he said I wouldn't be a good wife, acceptable to his family because I had "funny ideas". He wanted a pretty, young wife who could cook and clean for him and accept the fact that he wanted to be out all the time with his mates, drinking after work.

He also visited brothels which many men around here do. The women really are under the thumb. Their role is to look pretty and get qualified as a carer, nurse, shop assistant etc (I have absolutely nothing against any of these roles at all before anyone has a go at me). Other less "feminine" jobs would be unacceptable. In the valley where I live young women do not go on to university as a rule. Those that do, do not come back.
Once a woman has found a man and they have had children, married and built a house (or converted part of a house to live with their parents), the woman stays at home or works part time and raises the children etc. The man works - and like my ex, does very little at home and spends a lot of time drinking (and a large proportion also regularly go to the brothels).

This experience has opened my eyes to all kinds of everyday sexism which I was never aware of. It has really shocked me but now I can see things in my own life that happened which were connected with this.

I am at the stage now where I think that I never want to be with a man ever again. I am not prepared to give up my freedom and independence to run after someone who thinks he is better than me because he has a penis.

Women don't need to be protected because they are 'fragile'. They need to be protected because of the way that men act towards them.

By the way its a very strange viewpoint to have, that because you have never experienced violence, harassment, discrimination in the workplace, that you think women have equality and feminism is not longer needed.

@thedisorganisedmum - I have also witnessed women who complain about gender pay gap when they are refusing to do the same job! I have witnessed women complaining about less promotion, pay rise or bonuses, but refusing to do the same hours - and have the same results - as their colleagues.

Certainly, you have women (and men) not willing to do what is required to get promoted. However, in many environments, what is required is impossible to achieve without support from a spouse/partner, if there are children involved. Many men are able to commit to the long hours, travel etc because their partner is picking up the slack on the family front.

If women don't have the same support, they have 2 choices - pick up the slack or pay someone to do so. For most people, paying someone is not feasible so the woman picks up the slack.

Barbie I agree

the disorganised mum
If you think that feminism is all about women playing the fragile victim because they are surrounded by dangerous men. I would suggest that your feminism is extraordinarily different to other feminists

The next time I'm asked "why do we still need feminism ?" this thread will provide an excellent example.