To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I completely agree with everything you've said. Once you see it, it's everywhere, and you can't unsee it. Fighting back against it is like bailing water out of a boat that's about to be crushed by a tidal wave. It's makes me feel helpless with rage. When I try and talk about it to anybody (male or female) I get labelled "obsessive", "divisive", "hysterical", "aggressive", "confrontational", and "sexist". The trigger for me was having children as well. I feel like I've stepped out of the matrix and it's definitely affected my mental health. Debating this in mixed sex groups inevitably leads to me having to say NAMALT every 12 seconds when I and every other woman at the table know damn well that "our" men are as guilty as the rest. They may not be the ones out there raping and killing women, but they aren't doing anything close to their share at home, and they're benefiting from the patriarchy in just about every aspect of their personal and professional lives. But we're still expected to say "present company excepted" and maintain the illusion that it's only "other" men that are the problem. How can we fix the problem if we can't even look it in the eye? Fuck NAMALT. I have yet to meet a man who truly wasn't like that.

@DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner babe that's exactly what feminism is for. It's raising the bar for women so they get even just the same as the minimum treatment afforded to men.

Also think the main issue is being married to a sexist partner.
Would leaving really make your life harder?

The most powerful thing you can do is raise your children differently and live differently.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz

If you want to be a feminist, maybe learn not to get annoyed because someone dare having a different opinion than yours?

It obviously feels more comfortable for you to be on a thread with everybody agreeing with you, but that's life, not everybody does! Even female like me are allowed to point that some of the posts are cringing and embarrassing and that not all women should be put in the same boat, thank you

I agree it isn’t the feminism that’s the direct problem. The continuing (and in some areas increasing) inequality is at fault.

Though I confess, when I was younger, I was angry that feminists had campaigned so hard for women to be allowed / expected to work, but that little provision had been made for those women who also wanted to have children. I felt some envy of the generation before, when there was no expectation of having to do both.

But of course, that too is a fault of sexism, due to a husband who felt babies and houses were women’s work, and male bosses who had little flexibility for women, and even less for men, thus perpetuating the problem.

Do you know something I've noticed though OP, on a more specific point. In my 20s when I got together with my now ex, I had several friends who were married and kept their own names, and I liked it and thought how cool, me and my feminist friends, in lovely modern, equal relationships.

Well, we weren't, were we. Of all those women, only one is still in that relationship and she's become a SAHM (with only one, older child) and the relationship is quite unequal.

The other relationships all foundered through the cheating, laziness, or aggression of the men, including my own. On balance, less feminist women I know, in more traditional marriages, have longer-lasting, seemingly happier relationships. It's not clear if the feminists just have less patience with the men, or if something else is going on, but it seems to me that the men with feminist partners who expected or asked for equality, behaved worse - like they felt a need to assert their dominance and show the women they couldn't be "pushed around" (for example by being asked to do a fair share of housework or childcare). Even if this wasn't conscious behaviour and they see themselves as right-on new men.

I'm wondering what I'm missing here because I genuinely can't see how it's a patriarchal society any more. Apart from being scared of being raped, I don't feel I'm treated any differently.

Seriously, what am I missing?

As I approach 50 I realise that I really do not like men very much anymore. I wish I had a sister or a cousin that I could grow old with. I wish I could join a women commune when I retire. I wish there was a massive island where we could emigrate to, just women, if we wished.

I actually have a nice DH and sons so don't know why I feel this way, but in general I think men are toxic.

Like others have said, it isn't feminism that's ruined my life, it's the thing that's made it a lot better. It's the women around me who don't get feminism or who actively refuse to believe it who suffer and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes for anything. I think in reality no matter how much a woman says 'we're all equal, there's nothing to worry about' at some point in her life she'll realise what nonsense it is and it is devastating for that to happen later in life - realising you've accepted shit for years and years and years and that it's almost too late to do anything about it is just horrific. I've seen both my MIL and my mother have flashes of that realisation but they can't face it and I really don't blame them - it is better for them to deny the fact, for example, that they are both married to misogynists who've drained the life out of them for 30+ years who they're now stuck caring for than to face the fact that they have to look after people who don't have one ounce of real respect for them, who wouldn't return that care in a million years. It's heartbreaking.

Please, whatever you do, try not to waste too much more time with your idiot husband - it is such a shame to waste your love and care on someone who doesn't appreciate it at all.

One thing that really helps me is to have female friends who feel the same way - I know I can mention things to them and they'll just get it, it is such a relief.

I think you notice it more as you get older. Especially after having children. In my experience, I got a phone call from a nurse at my local surgery asking me if the man who had taken dd for her jabs was her father. Then she said, "You will make sure you bring her next time?"

I see sexism at work every day, either from managers or customers. I quietly seethe and give them a look

I feel exactly the sane OP. But the fault is with the sexist society we live in not you being a feminist but yes my life was much less stressful before I took my blinkers off. Having said that at least these days I am more than happy to be single and no longer feel the need to be on the lookout for a man.

I'm wondering what I'm missing here because I genuinely can't see how it's a patriarchal society any more. Apart from being scared of being raped, I don't feel I'm treated any differently.

Isn't being afraid of being raped enough? I mean there is a lot more to choose from but even if it was 'just' rape it would still be too much surely?

Totally agree with carbuncle - yes seeing misogyny everywhere can be depressing, but when I see the shit women put up with from men while denying there's a problem and still trying to man-please, I'd much, MUCH rather be where I am. I'm free. I don't mind if men don't approve of me. I can see clearly and I know what I'm dealing with, and I know I don't need a man to make me happy (in fact, I know it would almost certainly be a PITA).

It's not feminism that ruins our lives it's sexism. Feminism is the fucking solution, not the problem.

I can't get emotional about it.
When i think of what women in other parts of the world have to go through for simply being a woman it makes me thankful that i live in a society where i have choices and rights.

I'm wondering what I'm missing here because I genuinely can't see how it's a patriarchal society any more. Apart from being scared of being raped, I don't feel I'm treated any differently.

I agree and being raped isn't anything to do with a patriarchal, it's to do with some people being scum.

I'm actually really grateful you started this thread because nobody else I've spoken to IRL seems to get what I'm talking about and I was starting to wonder if I had PPD or something that was warping my perception of the world. I just had a daughter a few months ago and feel scared out of my mind at the thought of the things that men have done to me in my life being done to her in the future. I'm afraid for my son as well, for the toxic masculinity that may get pushed upon him, for the male violence he may experience, but that fear is most visceral with regards to my daughter.

@thedisorganisedmum - I don't see anywhere near as many examples of male privilege and misogyny as some MN posters do.

Look in many workplaces and you will see a gender pay gap. I work in academia and it's not that I am paid less than a male on the same grade, it is that many more females are on temporary contracts than male. It is that women are less likely to be promoted beyond a certain level, partly because we tend to be asked to take on the pastoral roles, which are not rewarded, while men are left with more time to work on funding proposals and research, which are rewarded.

The poor victim females concept really annoys me. As a mother, I worry equally about my sons and daughters. It's frankly ridiculous to pretend one gender is more at risk than another. Seen how many stabbings we are witnessing in London at the moment?

Of course you (and pretty much every parent) worries about both sexes. However, sexism and misogyny is about so much more than who is going to get attacked in a dark alley at night.

I find it easier to be female than male in our society!

Fair play to you. However, it is not easier for many women, particularly if they work in a traditionally patriarchal environment.

I'm wondering what I'm missing here because I genuinely can't see how it's a patriarchal society any more. Apart from being scared of being raped, I don't feel I'm treated any differently.

I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks that!

I usually get called a troll if I do write it.

I agree and being raped isn't anything to do with a patriarchal, it's to do with some people being scum.

And you think that 'some people being scum' is in no way linked to patriarchy?

You think that a young man whose own father called the sexual assault he carried out '20 minutes of action' was born evil, beyond help and, even if he had been brought up differently, would have still assaulted a woman behind some bins?

You think that all rapists just are born that way, and the way our society sees and treats women has nothing to do with that?

Look in many workplaces and you will see a gender pay gap.

I am not pretending it doesn't exist in some places.

I have also witnessed women who complain about gender pay gap when they are refusing to do the same job! I have witnessed women complaining about less promotion, pay rise or bonuses, but refusing to do the same hours - and have the same results - as their colleagues.

In some cases, it really has nothing to do with gender, but some women weaken the argument by calling the poor woman victim card as an excuse.

I remember when the things mentioned in this thread were considered the norm, even by women. I remember a friend being turned down for a promotion because 'You don't need the money, your husband earns enough. XX has a family to support'. Can you imagine someone getting away with that reason today? I can't. But it was considered perfectly reasonable. I remember being told to 'Oh calm down, it's a compliment' when I was touched inappropriately by a male coworker. I had no recourse because 'men will be men'.

Yes, some people (both male and female) still perpetuate sexism, usually for their own purposes. But at least the vast majority realize that it is wrong.

If you are angry, channel that anger. Get out and DO something. Vote, challenge, protest, boycott. And raise the next generation to respect the rights of all people.

Reading some of the replies, I wonder if those posters jump into a discussion of poverty and how to fund food banks by announcing they get 3 square meals a day so don't see a problem?

Look on the BBC news app for, say, a month and write down all the stories of male violence against women. See what you find. Think about what it tells you.

2 women a week are murdered by their partner or ex partner in this country.

We literally don't even notice it, even when we see it every day.

When women take against women for being pro-women, I get quite distressed. Why? Why would you knowingly kick someone who lives in the same world as a woman like you do, just to score right-on points with the original kicker?

If it's ignorance, it's just about forgivable. I'll take the beating knowing I'm standing up for her even though she doesn't see it yet.
If it's deliberate, then it's unconscionable.