To ask if feminism has ruined your life?

[Playtive]

Joining mumsnet coincided with having my first baby. Having my first baby coincided with realising I’d married a deeply sexist man. Ergo a feminist was born.

Long story short he did nothing with our baby. He expected his life to continue as he wanted and it was my job to do all the drudge work.

I had huge resentment and really struggled for the first year of DDs life.

Anywho we’re still together and things marginally improved as she got older, however my resentment will not go away and I think it’s only a matter of time before I eventually leave - even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder.

Everywhere I look now I see inequality, male privilege, overt and covert abuse of women and it’s actually ruining my life somewhat.

I can’t watch a lighthearted television show without noticing sexism. Innocent conversation with female friends/family can give me the rage inside with all the internalised misogyny. Pretty much every conversation with my husband regarding women makes me think he’s an entitled sexist arsehole. Even though I wouldn’t have batted an eye to these seemingly innocuous comments previously and was a very easy going person.

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it? AIBU to just want to watch television in peace?!

You think that all rapists just are born that way, and the way our society sees and treats women has nothing to do with that?

well I am thinking that some women have abused and tortured their own children, so some people really are just scum. It's a bit too easy to blame a patriarchy as an excuse for everything.

@thedisorganisedmum

I completely agree with your posts, you've managed to articulate pretty much what I wanted to say (but possibly better!).

Apart from being scared of being raped, I don't feel I'm treated any differently.

But that's part of the problem. Women do need treating differently from men in some cases - medical needs, menstrual needs, maternity and child-related needs, size and design of everyday objects.

If the default is male and women's specific needs are seen as a minority issue of low importance, that makes it more difficult for women than for men.

For women who genuinely feel there's no issue I feel duty bound to say, please just spend some time thinking and reading about this before you dismiss it entirely. If at that point you still think there's no issue, great. But don't put up barriers to it if you can at all manage it because realising there is an issue when you're 50/60/70/80 is awful - you can't turn back time. I have no interest in strong-arming anyone who really feels that feminists are on the wrong track - everyone's entitled to their own opinion - but if I could encourage one woman not to go blindly into old age with men fucking them over, I'll be happy.

well I am thinking that some women have abused and tortured their own children, so some people really are just scum. It's a bit too easy to blame a patriarchy as an excuse for everything.

98% of sexual offences are perpetrated by men. Do you not look at that statistic and wonder why that is?

It has happened to me, I see it all the time now. It has had some positives though - I've stood up for myself at work in situations I'd have probably accepted in the past. And it has made me grateful I chose my husband as we are equal partners in everything and I probably never thought about it when we first got together. Sorry I know that doesn't help much

I can't get emotional about it.
When i think of what women in other parts of the world have to go through for simply being a woman it makes me thankful that i live in a society where i have choices and rights.

I know what you mean but this just makes it worse for me. I feel so angry and frustrated at the inequality everywhere (and my relationship is pretty happy btw) - but I have friends who are in abusive marriages, or just very unequal ones, who have been coerced to give up careers to raise children, coerced into having children, coerced into having abortions, and even "small" things like street harassment etc. And I agree that we live in this largely free and fair society where our rights are represented in law and we have more power than women in most other areas of the world and yet there's still so little that we can do to change things. So when I then hear about stories of honour killings, and trafficking, and FGM, and I realise that I'm getting so angry over the glass ceiling when women are literally being killed and mutilated globally just for being women, it brings me to a new level of feeling helpless. Because if I can't even fight these small battles in this country with all our choices and rights, how the hell can I help those women? How can anyone? It just feels so overwhelming and hopeless.

Me too (sorry)

And I hate how it pervades everyday life : oh, FIL is just like that, it's his personality, hahaha so frigging hilarious.

No, it's misogyny.

I'm really not trying cause a conflict here but I really, really don't see a lot of the issues I've seen raised in here as issues at all. IMO feminism and seeing reasons to hate men and feel put down as a woman are just inflated first world problems for this society.

There are cultures and countries where women really, really are truly suffering unjustly and are experiencing true prejudice every day for the crime of being a female. But this culture (UK/USA) is not one of them!

I tend to think a large portion of the women here (this culture in general, not aiming this at anybody on MN specifically) who feel so put out by men are making a mountain out of a mole hill, because many have been conditioned to look for 'sexism' everywhere by crap that's shoveled through the media, magazines, etc.

I could go on and on but I won't about some of the issues I feel strongly about, I know it'll just get some unpleasant comments back. It just breaks my heart that there are women across the globe truly suffering as victims of sexism/prejudice, women who are getting 'lawfully' stoned to death for being raped, women who have to walk behind their husband and children in public because they are 'lesser', women who are not allowed to get any kind of an education and having to suffer all the problems that entails - there's too much to write here and it's too awful to even want to write. And we're upset here because a man spreads his legs on the tube? Modern day feminism is a joke. :(

Thanks but I'll decline your Lesson in How to be a Feminist, ta. And I'm quite comfortable with my tendency to get annoyed at opinions different to mine. If women throughout history hadn't got annoyed/angry/pissed off we'd all be in a much worse state.

And I'm also pretty comfortable being on threads where people don't agree with me. as you pony out that's life.

I've only had my eyes opened recently to how massively important and still needed feminism is and one of the wonderful things is that being one means fighting for women you don't know, whose opinions you may not agree with. So in a weird way you and I occasionally share a boat

I think to disagree that male violence is a huge problem is naive though.

You're right. You can't escape society, but you can escape your marriage. And frankly if your husband is that bad then either you need to have a very strong conversation with him. Or you know, you could leave him. Not all men are sexist pigs. He's not going to be a great role model for your kids.

It just feels so overwhelming and hopeless.

^^

This also.

To the point where I'm starting to think I should start using my 'féminine wiles' again

But even if you never heard of feminism you would still have noticed these things and recognised they weren't right! It happens to a lot of women as they get older and the real physical realities of being a woman begin to come into play... it's easy to ignore when you are a young woman (I know there are plenty of young feminists too btw)
I got all my hours dropped when I fell unexpectedly pregnant as I was on a zero hours contract, essentially fired without being fired... then it really became apparent how the system is geared up to support the careers and lives of men not women... and how it's just routinely ignored
From that point on i get more switched on about feminism and why its needed.
It is like your eyes suddenly open and you cant just close them again..
But it's not feminism to blame because you would still be pissed off when you first started to see these things only without feminism youd have a harder job expressing it and protesting it.

Gaah should read *point out. I've no idea if you own horses

TheDailyCarbuncle
I understand your point, but I am wondering if some posters are reacting completely the wrong way.

I would never have got married with a deeply sexist man and put up with someone not taking care of anything. I work in a so-called male environment, and I am the one who ended up promoted when the men were not. I honestly do not witness all that sexism and unfairness everywhere and that gender battle we are supposed to be locked in.

However some posters who are suddenly realising they are in some kind of victim role seem to do nothing about it. So of course they will see negative everywhere.

That's what I don't understand. If you are aware of something, why on earth are you not changing it?

I tend to think a large portion of the women here (this culture in general, not aiming this at anybody on MN specifically) who feel so put out by men are making a mountain out of a mole hill

Yeah, I mean, what's two murdered women a week eh?

What's 80,000 rapes a year?

Women have it much worse in other countries so we should be bloody grateful that only 2 of us a week are being murdered and however many more are being beaten to a pulp, raped and generally treated like shit on the regular, by the people who are supposed to love and respect us. Why bother trying to do anything to change it, I guess boys will be boys and all that?

Bloody women always being so hysterical and making mountains out of molehills.

Jesus

Agree. Once you see it you can't unsee it. And you wonder how on earth you managed to miss it before.

So many women have internalised misogyny. I used to be one of them and I'm not sure what the answer is. You can see on this thread how hard some women fight against feminism. I hate it but I do understand it.

Knowing about sexism isn't what is ruining your life, sexism is. Your husband sounds like a bit of an arse tbh.

even though leaving would undoubtedly make mine and my child’s life harder Why would you do that?

Just leaving this here if no-one else has.

Shocked by the posters claiming not to notice it. If you are privileged enough to feel that way, then it's not about you. How about looking outside of your own bubble. Btw - it does affect you, and your daughters and your friends. Wake up!

@b0bb1n - you seem to be implying that UK/US feminists don't care about 'real' injustices and only get upset about men spreading their legs on the tube. If that's what you are implying then it's worth being aware that misogynists are the ones who've made you believe that that's what western feminism is about - you've fallen for their bullshit basically. What better way to defeat feminism than to make women themselves think it's pointless and worries about the wrong things. What surprises me is that otherwise intelligent women go along with it and come back to actual feminists to inform them of how they're doing feminism wrong! I mean it's a genius move on the part of misogynists, and very very effective, but please don't be fooled by it any more. If someone is trying to tell you that women are wrong to fight for basic respect think for a second about what they might be trying to achieve by telling you that. Think about what their agenda might be and whether they are actually on your side.

Shocked by the posters claiming not to notice it. If you are privileged enough to feel that way, then it's not about you. How about looking outside of your own bubble. Btw - it does affect you, and your daughters and your friends. Wake up!

Why would you want someone to 'wake up' to something that they don't believe in them just so they can get annoyed about something that doesn't affect them?

daily

That is a perfect summary. Excellent post.

*Sorry, that last post was terribly written, hope it makes sense. (the first 'them' shouldn't be there)