To consider polyamory?

[sweetbutpycho]

Has anyone switched from monogamy? We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual) so are we effectively already that way inclined? We have been together 10 years and have done all sorts of weird and beautiful things together plus come through some real shitty times stronger than ever. I would say I become emotionally attached very easily and since coming of hormonal contraception, my sex drive is finally back (albeit stronger than ever!) and I am now more on par with my husbands.... not that sex is what's important here.

Anyway, any thoughts from those who have made this jump? Or know of people who have? All I know is that I am definitely capable of loving more than one - DH has already pointed this out and vocalised what I've been thinking all along.

My faith makes things difficult however, from extensive research I am coming around to the idea. Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have and are definitely not 'away with the fairies', this is a general consideration to some degree.

The idea that poly ppl "always" talk about it is hilarious.

You are only AWARE of those that talk about it, there's loads more of us out there who never breathe a word except to partners ;)

I have several friends who make it work, only one though that is properly ‘poly’ with the relationship, emotions etc though. The others are more - you can have a random shag if you want to but don’t fall in love, be safe and don’t do it too close to home - arrangements. Seems to work. Honesty seems to be the key, no sneaking around. I’m surprised by how many couples have an ‘understanding’ actually.

@Romany wtf are you teaching? 😳 That monogamy is only for people who have been indoctrinated? Please steer clear of my dd’s uni with that.

IHateUncleJamie

I'm not teaching them anything although I'm a qualified teacher.
I sit in on a friends lecture each week.
However, it is true whether you or anybody else like it or not.
The teacher is an amazing authority (and good friend) writes lts of papers and is well published It's the University Of Manchester and if your dd was doing the course she'd be given this fact.

Phew, she’s not at Manchester.

Off topic, but are you saying that all people in monogamous relationships are indoctrinated? i.e. the only reason my DH and I are faithful to each other is that we’re indoctrinated?

We're certainly indoctrinated in The West to view het monogamy as the default, the reality being its as much a minority practise in context with the rest of human history as anything else.

Being capable of doing so does not mean having the time or the energy for it that would make everything work well. It's important to be realistic, both you and everyone else in your life deserves and needs that. I see in many polyamory groups new people or new couples jumping in and things going to hell in a handbasket fast mostly due to lack of patience or realistic expectations. More people means more complications, more discussions, more everything is required. Love isn't enough, being able to love multiple people alone doesn't make it work. It also needs time, energy, boundaries that are well maintained and well respected, acceptance of other emotions, and a lot of things that day to day life can make it difficult to keep up.

I'm polyamorous and I agree 100% that it should be treated the same when it comes to kids as it would if the parent was single and had a new partner - neither particularly involved in the others' details and do be slow to involve one in the others' daily lives.

Pretty much all the well-working polycules I know involve asexual people and/or affectionate friends/platonic partners who live together or near each other but don't have sexual relationships. In my experience, those coming in expecting a high sex environment end up being the ones who shit hits the fan fastest for or end up giving up and going to swingers' clubs instead. No shame in that, really, but if what you're looking for is threesomes and fun with your returning sex drive, that doesn't automatically equal living a polyamorous lifestyle.

Also, the "time when same-sex relationships was socially frowned upon"...I'm need to point out that people in same-sex relationships, even in the UK, face a shit ton of violence and discrimination just for simply things like walking down the street holding hands. If you're going to be poly - please do not be one of those poly people who acts like people not liking polyamory is exactly the same as homophobia or that homophobia is a thing of the past and people hating on polyamory makes us the new oppressed group with language like we're just being 'true to ourselves'. The comparison doesn't work, it's just led to a bunch of straight guys going on about how oppressed they are because they can't convince they're wives their 'true self' involves trying to fuck more women (spend enough time in any poly group and you'll meet more than a few of those douchecanoes), and does not do polyamorous people any favours. I debate whether or not it's worse than the ones who act like they're more enlightened because of it and act like monogamy is inherently oppressive and repressive as if cultural polygamous practices through history to this day aren't steeped in oppressive power control of men over women as well.

Pretty much all the well-working polycules I know involve asexual people and/or affectionate friends/platonic partners who live together or near each other but don't have sexual relationships.
So having good friends you mean? No big deal, lots of us do.

I didn't say it was a big deal and I personally don't think it is. I tried to be specific on affectionate friends and platonic partners as a way to show what type of friendships I was talking about - most people I know don't kiss their friends or cuddle to that extent or live with or move to live near their friends as the people I'm talking about.

People with platonic partners view them in a similar way that other people do with their partners so calling them a good friend is like calling someone's spouse a good friend - maybe true, but a lot of people would be uncomfortable or get annoyed if that's how anyone referred them much as a friend would likely feel the same if referred to as someone's partner.

My main point there wasn't that that was a big deal, but that the stereotype that polyamorous relationships are best suited for those with high sex drives or whose main interest is threesomes and such hasn't matched my experience being in poly groups for many years. Those who come into because they want more sex, like threesomes or from the kink communities tend to be the ones that end up having the most problems in their private lives and within poly communities. I've lost track of the amount of times I've had people go on about how they thought the poly community would be more open minded and excited to try new things when they don't find the sex partners they want. There are spaces for people who want that and it's not really a poly meet-up.

Really, I think more of the stable polyamorous relationships are based on good affectionate friendships, but socially I think it is hard for people seeking those because it's hard enough for people trying to make more friends and there currently isn't really a socially acceptable way of trying to look for and develop that affectionately so people come to polyamorous communities. Some people make it a big deal of it, but I think more people are just trying to get on with things and find the relationships they want.

So you're considering this as you come off contraception? You're looking, selfishly, to build in a degree of instability to your children's family environment.

I'm struggling to understand how 'threesomes' (essentially straying outside the confines of a marriage) are OK but polyamory would be a no-no from a faith point of view? I'm not being judgmental - as long as it's legal and acceptable for both partners then fine but it just seems a bit strange to have threesomes but find polyamory taboo from a faith perspective.

IHateUncleJamie

Not directly no, but the reason we have monogamous relationships is due to the church. It's just been handed down by generations. It became the norm because of intervention from the church, and at times the government via the church and Royalty.
before this we were merrily dancing round the maypole, worshipping the penis and then running off into the woods men would abstain from sex for 9 days and then people would shag who they liked. Conception was very high during this time.
This is an example of more recent history not the ancients
The Victorians used to use vibrators for medicinal purposes. They believed that women were hysterical, not sexually aroused and the doctors would masterbate the women.
The history of sex is so interesting. I'm just looking to broaden my knowledge, so to speak.

@RomanyQueen Fair enough.

What about monogamous animals though? Pretty sure that’s nothing to do with religion!

I'm not sure about animals, except for the Ancient Egyptians, but that's a whole different thread.

but the reason we have monogamous relationships is due to the church.

That may or may not have been the historical root. Most people are monogamous these days because shagging other people - especially when you’re married and have children - just doesn’t have the same appeal.

We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual)

Right, so another woman has joined you and your husband in bed. What about another man? Ask your husband if he's prepared to accept another man in bed with the pair of you. Something tells me he'll be less keen.

I watched the Louis Theroux doc on polyamory recently. I came to the conclusion that in every polyamorous set-up there was always one person calling the shots and coercing the other/s. Some people were clearly not entirely happy or comfortable with it but were steamrollered by a partner who whined about needing to be properly fulfilled. Obviously the fear of losing them altogether or being made to feel like a clingy, boring prude was the driver to making some of them agree to go along with it.

Also, some of them were plainly dealing with mental health issues, autism and personality disorders. From what I've seen and read so far, I think it's actually pretty rare for a polygamous group to consist ENTIRELY of well balanced, emotionally stable and mentally healthy people where the consent is genuinely mutual and there is no emotional blackmail or coercion on any side and where there is no religious cult at the heart of it.

It was a pretty fucked up and confusing environment for the children as well.

Family

Speak for yourself
I don't think OP is coming back, I hope she reads the comments if not.

It’s a bit tacky. A lot tacky, in fact.

I used to know quite a lot of people who claim to be poly (I do a hobby that attracts a lot of hippies and it seems to go with the territory for some reason). Despite them going on and on all the time about how it's more natural than monogamy none of them seemed very happy relationship-wise. In fact one of them said to me he did find it very difficult but he was incapable of being faithful to anyone so it seemed like the best option for him.

In fact one of them said to me he did find it very difficult but he was incapable of being faithful to anyone so it seemed like the best option for him.

No self-control. How deeply unattractive.

but the reason we have monogamous relationships is due to the church

Bullshit. You will find throughout history plenty of acceptance of men having multiple partners and propagating their sperm everywhere- but women? No, not so much. In fact, apart from a few obscure tribes, not at all really.

Men have always been concerned that their children, their heirs are their own.

No self-control. How deeply unattractive

I went on a date with him

He didn't tell me he was poly til after, and then I went on Facebook and saw all the photos of him with his long term girlfriend. I asked him why he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend before our date and he said "I thought you'd have said no"

According to some scientific research no, men havent 'always' been concerned with this. But it is very much the profuct if an agrarian society and monogamous marriage helps achieve it. As for animals, read 'sex at dawn' for the physical clues that humans do not conform to those species.

Whoever said that monogamy exists because sex outside it doesnt appeal is off their rocker andshould read more of the relationships board

Louix theroux docu, which wants dramatic tele fodder, is not a good basis to form a judgement, and the toxic behaviour describes can be found easily in mono relationships.

Just playing catch up!

@Hazeintheclouds the definition of 'tacky' is very broad indeed. I fail to see how it applies to a relationship though