To consider polyamory?

[sweetbutpycho]

Has anyone switched from monogamy? We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual) so are we effectively already that way inclined? We have been together 10 years and have done all sorts of weird and beautiful things together plus come through some real shitty times stronger than ever. I would say I become emotionally attached very easily and since coming of hormonal contraception, my sex drive is finally back (albeit stronger than ever!) and I am now more on par with my husbands.... not that sex is what's important here.

Anyway, any thoughts from those who have made this jump? Or know of people who have? All I know is that I am definitely capable of loving more than one - DH has already pointed this out and vocalised what I've been thinking all along.

My faith makes things difficult however, from extensive research I am coming around to the idea. Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have and are definitely not 'away with the fairies', this is a general consideration to some degree.

@Anique105 you're assuming poly means lots of different people when in reality it just means more than 2 people in the relationship. So there could for example be 3 people in a long-term relationship.

No revolving doors of partners necessary (nor indeed exclusive to poly lifestyles).

Nor am I 100% clear on what makes it seedy.

Open communication is vital. So it honesty and Reading books like More than Two and The Ethical Slut www.morethantwo.com

And please do not think that both of you dating the same person is the only, or even the best, way to do poly. Or that setting up a bunch of rules will avoid hurt. Poly is not about re-enforcing insecurities, but about growing, tackling jealousy and the insecurities that cause it. If you are going to date together there are things to be aware of, like couple privilege.

www.unicorns-r-us.com

I am curious, OP, if you were to delve into the non-monogamous life, what your partner would think if you decided you wanted to date a men as well as women. I noted your mentioned bisexuality and wondered if perhaps there is little of that "we can both date women, since you like them, and it would be fair" (with an implicit "but I will be the only man"). If there is any of that, even if you don't want to date any men AT THE MOMENT (no one knows what the future will bring), I'd be concerned.

the-orbit.net/brutereason/2016/04/04/one-penis-policies/

Wish you well, OP, if you do decide poly life is for you. It can be very fulfilling if done in a way that respects all parties!

You’ll get little send on mn, the idea is Taken as a personal affront.
Try lovingmore, lots of info and personal experience there.

Just because the OP is carefully considering something thats not heterosexual monogamy people hahe piled on to say its going to be detrimental to the children to meet new partners too quickly (cos we never see that in the one man plus one woman model do we!) and that its self indulgent nonsense.

I don’t think “poly” relationships are self-indulgent bullshit because they’re not monogamous or heterosexual.

I think they’re self-indulgent bullshit based on the reasons I see given on here and elsewhere by people in those relationships.

@cantbearsed1 there's a lot of people on this thread who say it's attention seeking, but I'm not sure why. Anything unconventional draws attention, does that mean we all have to stay in narrow boxes? Eg I've had some very interesting hairstyles in the past which I was told was attention seeking, but it was just my job at the time!

I think those who are poly will also talk about it more because they probably feel the need to justify why they're out with two partners - because other people will notice and judge and ask questions. So is it a product of them being 'attention seeking' or is it a product of other people being judgemental?

And I'd like to reiterate because I feel my first post will get lost that I'm NOT poly, but I can't understand why it's such a problem for so many people.

Because the people I know who are poly seem to be partly attracted to it because it is "forbidden." If it was the norm, they would not be interested.

Also agree with this. I think difficulties in dealing with intimacy are common in poly relationships. Also very common for woman just to be with other women, and not other men.

Myself and loads of people I know tried this in our 20s. I rapidly came to the conclusion that it is for people who are not actually that committed to one another, are afraid of committing to other people, are actually very shallow in their relationships, and deep down are not very happy or secure people who use sex as a way to make themselves more 'interesting'. Or self-indulgent attention seeking as others have put it above!

And yes your kids will be affected by this.

My only experience of poly relationships is the documentary Louis Theroux did last year. It seemed like in most of those poly relationships there was one partner who wanted more in terms of sex so was in a second relationship and their original partners though agreeing to it were only agreeing as they couldn't bear losing their husband/ wife. It just seemed very sad and not at all an equal and completely loving situation for all involved.

I also felt sorry for the kids involved as they were far to aware of their parents sex lives which doesn't seem healthy.

On TV programmes about it the women always seem like unhappy people pretending to be happy. They can't really relax and be themselves but always have to bear in mind that if they're not careful the man might decide he prefers the other woman

There are some disgusting, assumptive and judgemental posts on here that clearly demonstrate a complete lack of understanding about what poly actually looks like in real life to most people who practice it.

We as a society generally are okay with friends that don't fulfil all of our needs - we probably all have or have had friends who better suit different situations - the party animal, the confidant, the cheerleader, the really checker, the one who is good for parenting advice, the one who is free for coffee meets at the same time as you, the long distance hardly ever speak but when we do it's for hours one... they're all people who are valuable to have as friends, and they all meet different needs of ours. Then we (as a society) say oh, but a partner, you really can only have one of those who has to be compatible with all of your needs.

I'm not poly, but I can see how it makes sense to be, and how much you have to grow and develop as a human and in your primary relationship to be able to handle it. Monogamy can be just as much of a front to hide unhealthy behaviours as poly can be; it's just more socially acceptable.

you have to grow and develop as a human and in your primary relationship to be able to handle it
Sorry but this is bullshit. What you really mean is that you have to deal with jealousy and get to spend less time with your partner.
Most people I know with kids don't feel they get enough time already to spend with their partner. If you have more than 1 partner and kids either:

• you don't spend enough time with your kids
• or you spend even less time with your partner
• or you spend time with both or more of your partners together and hardly any 1-1

Time is a finite resource.

I know a couple who were together for years and then suddenly became a "three". In this case the new person was male and they all were very happy together (I don't know or want to know the intimate details). Eventually the woman died and the two men continue to live in the house they all shared.

Lees you can't compare friends to lovers! What a crock of shit.

Your partner is your partner. It's not the same as a friend. You have to have more trust and more loyalty to sleep with someone. We don't shag our mates in general.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup thank you for your answer! This is really reassuring and I myself have faced the same struggles you mentioned.

@FamilyOfAliens ???

@Bleary3000 I'm glad you are out there! And thank you for your response, it's good to hear where it has worked  Also, I've noticed Mumsnet may not have been the best place to come with this but I always thought they were quite liberal compared to NetMums.... I also agree with you in terms of poly being criticised for the very things that traditional relationships deal with.

@PissOffPeppa some of the things you've said have already happened and I coped surprisingly well. I guess it's the same with anything, there will always be risks. Thank you for your response and questions. My faith has always been something which I struggle to reconcile with my true self but through hours upon hours of research and intimate study, I finally feel at peace with it now I would say....

@Serin wow, that's probably the best example of it working as planned I've ever heard - amazing!

@OzziePopPop you sound in a very similar situation to myself. I'm happy to talk with you about this if you'd like - perhaps we can help each other.

@Hersheys I'm amazed how yourself and a couple others just KNOW I'm attention seeking mindboggles. Amazing given the fact you don't know anything about me or my life other than a small post on here 

@Babysleeeeeeep you do know I won't be flaunting this about right? And how is this any different to many strange family set ups out there?! Showing kids how strong love can be is hardly a bad thing but you are entitled to your views.

@Sunkisses Thank you for your response but trust me, I have done a lot of growing up over my life - I'm quite happy with where I stand right now.

@Steeve Thank you for your response. I have been on FetLife before but found it very full on and extremely explicit which wasn't really my thing but thank you anyway!

@chestylarue52 I agree!

@Anique105 where on Earth did you get the idea it would be a revolving door?! For some poly people that may well be true but it certainly wouldn't be the case for me.

@cantbearsed1 I have never spoken to anyone about it other than my DH so I for one am definitely not attention seeking

@MunaZaldrizoti thank you so much for those resources and your helpful post 

@Lockheart I completely agree with your statements about attention seeking vs judgmental attitudes

Thank you for all of your responses, even the judgemental ones. I just feel life is to short to not be your true self. I don't know, I haven't made a decision yet but I'm not going to cut the idea off just because it's societally frowned upon. There was a time when same-sex relationships were too.

Op are you both considering another woman or another man?

How can you honestly say this won't affect your kids?

Horses for courses IMO but I’m still confused about what exactly you want - and why, OP.

If it’s more love you want and sex isn’t the driving force, having children and/or getting a pet is probably going to be much easier and better for your relationship in the long run.

If you want sex with women as well as your DH because you’re bi, then that is something only you and your DH can decide on. How does he honestly feel about it? Would he have other relationships as well?

I have a friend who has had an open relationship while being married but tbh I think it was much more driven by his wife and after a while, he became quite unhappy with the situation. I asked at the time why they had actually got married and made marriage vows and he couldn’t really answer. I think he thought it would be fine but was quite jealous in the event.

So it really depends on your motives deep down and how this might pan out if one or both of you falls in love with someone else.

I can see polyamory is great for older people. As it stands I've only got one carer when I need it in my twilight years. If I have relationships with more then there'll be more people to wipe my arse.

No advice from me except a big fucking no.

Pushing that aside, did anyone else watch Big Love on Sky Atlantic around 6/7 yrs ago?

That was all about a (fictional) polyamous family. It was so fucked up it's stayed with me ever since.

I would hate to be a child growing up in a household like that. Deeply selfish.

KC225

Attention seeking in my opinion. If you feel you can live more than one and it doesn't have to be your husband maybe consider a pet.

Haha

I haven't RTFT but OP there is a great book about different ways of being in relationships. It's called The Ethical Slut. Basically whether these arrangements work or not boils down to respect and communication but there's a lot to reflect on in the book that you may not have considered.

The Philpotts.

If it's what you want OP, then go for it. You won't find much support as most people not just on here are indoctrinated by the church.
Quite funny really as fewer people are religious these days and of course religion is hypocritical on the whole idea of monogamy.
How many wives did Moses have, how promiscuous were the ancient leaders of the world.
As for wedding vows, well, as stated, the church don't even believe in them.

I watched the Louis Theroux programme on polyamory. The people featured seemed to be pretentious narcissists with their heartbroken partners desperately trying to pretend they were cool with it. I came away feeling irritated with the former and sorry for the latter. No one came out of it well.